teens and taking away driving

[Zoe Girl]

I think I have to take away driving from my 17 yo. She is spending the week at dad's house and last night was family dinner night with everyone. The first thing she says is that she needs to tell me she got in an accident and that means a ticket. We have had so many issues, and I will admit some of them are worse because I lost track of paying one ticket and printing out a new insurance card, but still she has had 2 tickets in a year of driving and has no job besides some babysitting to pay me for the first one, who knows what this will cost.

Meanwhile the car is older and needs to handled gently, the accident caused minor damage that I do not have to fix, and my new job allows me to take her brother to school (a major reason I needed her to drive). So I am thinking I need to just park the car, see if I can lower the insurance coverage to 'almost never drives' and wait until she pays off these tickets and has a job to cover her insurance costs before I let her drive. I do want her to keep a license and be covered to drive in case of emergency and all. I just cannot afford that every time she gets behind the wheel of the car it is a liability to me. Her dad does not have an extra vehicle and does not cover her on insurance so I have done all of this on a muuuuch lower income. My boyfriend tells me I should be really proud of that. I am, just scary to have a kid drive!

[goldensmom]

You've got yourself quite a situation there. I never had reason to take my child's drivers license or limit their driving privileges but my father took my license away from me once for a month for sassing him. I didn't mind much because I didn't have a car, didn't have a job to drive to, rode the bus to school and just didn't have much use for one before I turned 18 and at that point was was responsible for myself.

[Reyes]

It sounds like she can't afford to drive as she has no way of paying for the expenses (including tickets and repairs). I see no problem with telling her she cannot drive your car since she cannot afford to do so (and in addition to that she is driving irresponsibly).

I see no problem with her dad not paying for the auto insurance. Some people believe that a teen driver should pay their own insurance as a way of learning responsibility and the costs of driving a vehicle. Others want to cover that expense. No right or wrong, just a different perspective.

[bae]

My parents would not allow me to get my license and drive until I could pay for the insurance increase, gasoline, and my share of maintenance on the vehicle. I didn't get my license until I was 20.

[Zoe Girl]

I agree it depends a lot on the situation. My parents paid for all that early on because we lived waaay out in the mountains and they needed another driver to help with my younger siblings. That was the same deal for me with my girls until we moved downtown and don't need to depend on the car so much. I figure if her dad wants her to do things then it is his turn to provide a car, I have done that for the 2 girls the last 3 years after all to help with each other, younger brother, etc.

[lhamo]

I think you are right (and perfectly within your rights) to draw the line here. Driving is a privilege, not a right. I lived in a rural area as a teen, and needed a car to get to school and my job, but I had to pay for gas and insurance (the car never needed much work so repairs weren't too much of an issue).

I think you also might want to start being a little tougher on your kids in general, expecting them to step up to the plate more. It simply isn't fair for them to keep draining you of so much money and life energy. Maybe the job transition is a good point to do that. Have a family meeting and say "look, some things have got to change around here" and tell everyone they are expected to take on a higher level of responsibility and accountability.

Good luck with it...

lhamo

[loosechickens]

boy, my kids both got afterschool jobs at 16 and paid all those kinds of expenses for themselves. At 17, she should be able to figure out a way to earn enough to cover her own gas expenses, any tickets she might get, (any increase in your insurance premiums such tickets might cause), etc.

Driving is a privilege, not a right and she should be bearing the expense of a ticket herself, no matter what. If you have to pay it, she should make regular payments to you to pay it back. why should YOU pay for HER bad decisions?

Nope....I'm with bae on this. Kids live up OR down to our expectations of them. If we expect them to be irresponsible, they usually are, and if we expect them to be responsible and give them the skills they need to learn how, they live up to that as well.

It's not that teenagers wouldn't usually take whatever they could get, but it's our job to turn out responsible adults, not to indulge them and assist them in not taking responsibility for their lives.

I'd yank the driving privileges until she figures out how to get the costs of her driving for her own purposes under her control. If you need her to drive for family business, i.e., take a younger sibling somewhere, run errands for the family, etc., that's a different story, but for her to just use that car to go out with her friends......for those purposes, she needs to be coming up with a way to cover the costs of that. And most certainly, to pay for her own traffic tickets.

Natural consequences......nature's teacher. Both my kids grew up to thank me, and both grew up to be great people. But I never lost sight of the fact that I wasn't there to make their lives easier, I was there to make sure that when they arrived at their majority, they had the skills, self discipline and everything else they needed to make adult, responsible decisions and manage their lives well.

[Gina]

2 tickets in one year seems like a lot. Think how many infractions she might have committed and didn't get caught...

If there are no real negative consequences to her (aka paying her own tickets and essentially getting nothing in return, or taking away her driving) it might take her longer to become a responsible, safe driver.

From strictly a practical standpoint, do you really want her to be driving with others in your car? If anyone is injured while she is driving, you would be liable. With already 2 tickets, the cost could be far greater than merely the cost of more tickets or increased insurance.

[loosechickens]

Well, I think that two tickets in a year is a lot, because I've been driving now for more than 50 years and haven't even had ONE. At her present rate of two per year, she could amass a hundred in the same fifty years.

Nope......Aunt Nancy's Boot Camp would be my method, hahahahaha.

[Gina]

Well, I think that two tickets in a year is a lot, because I've been driving now for more than 50 years and haven't even had ONE.Are you addressing my last comment? I said I thought two already is a lot. I haven't been driving as long as you, LC, but after several decades, I also have not gotten one.

I have a friend whose young daughter used to get tickets too, and failed to learn... In my opinion, that was an indication she was not a safe driver. She was lucky however - when she finally went through the intersection without stopping and had her accident, she didn't seriously hurt herself or anyone else. The authorities did what her folks wouldn't - they took away her license for a long period of time. And she finally had to pay the money herself. She of course was driving one of her parent's cars - it got totaled. They were lucky they didn't get sued and lose everything.

[loosechickens]

No, Gina....not referencing your particular post, only that if she's only been driving a year and has amassed two tickets already, that doesn't bode well for her future. And, if it were my child, I'd take that very, very seriously, as Zoe Girl seems to be doing.

Just the fact that the daughter doesn't seem to understand that many, many people have their entire driving careers without even ONE ticket, and doesn't seem to realize that two her first year, plus an accident is no kind of record anyone would want to have, means that she really needs to get caught up short here, so that she realizes it is serious.

edited to add: I think I'm really being tough on this, not just because I see so many kids and young people who have never had to assume responsibility for their own actions, but when you're talking about a new driver, with two tickets and an accident (which I'm assuming must have been her fault, since she's the one being ticketed), it's not just "adult behavior" that's at risk, but her very life.

A vehicle is a dangerous object in the hands of someone who doesn't grasp just how dangerous inattentive, careless or nondefensive driving can be. Both for herself, and all those around her when she's driving. It's serious business. JMHO

[Zoe Girl]

oh you all just made me glad she has no relationship with her paternal grandfather. He was getting a ticket every year or two forever. It must be harder when your hobbie is racing cars to drive the speed limit, no accidents just speeding.

Tam is not a horrible driver, her first ticket was driving 30 mph but she didn't see the school sign. Still serious and she needs to learn there is no wiggle room for missing a sign. I sent an email to my insurance guy, my BIL, to get some quotes on what insurance is for me alone and what the costs are for the kids. I haven;t heard back yet but that will be informative to show her.

Does anyone else have this thing with teens that they really think you are just making stuff up like the need to brush teeth or wake up for a job on time or do school work or wash dishes? Things that are just what you need to do in life. I guess I am wondering because some of you know what my long term marriage was like and i can't find the balance between 'all teens do this to some extent' and 'my kids were trained by example to hold me responsible for too much by being raised watching an abusive relationship'. I already have been working with an excellent counselor now and then and she did say that the lack of respect issue is partially because they were shown that as an example and pretty much trained in it. My oldest is making some real progress lately but she was the brunt of dad's stuff for many years herself. I just so much want us all to be healthy now.

[chanterelle]

Sorry, but the time to learn that there is no wiggle room for missing a sign, is before you get your license.
After a year and 2 tickets this 17 year old is not responsible enough to keep driving without alot more work on her part.
Missing a school zone sign can have serious consequences for someone else beyound how much your insurance fees are going to rise.


[chanterelle...formerly earlyretiree]

[Mrs-M]

At an age where the driver cannot pay for maintenance or repairs or insurance of the vehicle being driven, then driving privileges should be reserved only for special times or occasions. Being restrictive in this area IMO is a good thing.