The territorial side of motherhood/homemaking...

[Mrs-M]

Zoebird and I, were talking about just this, in another forum thread topic, and curiosity got the better of me, prompting me to ask you all, how do you feel about exuding your sense of pride (capable handiness) when it comes to taking charge and doing everything that falls under the category of "your job"?

Do you insist on doing everything yourself (like me)? Or... are you open to allowing others to step-in and help-out? If you do allow others to help/pitch-in, does it create a psychological sense of failure in your mind, making you feel as though you are incapable/inadequate?

Thought this would make for an interesting conversation...

P.S. Got to run! It's suppertime! Will be back later to discuss more.

[herbgeek]

With cooking, I tend to do it all myself, because (blushing as I admit this) I think I do it better than anyone else, so someone "helping" me just aggravates me because it isn't to my standards. I do of course welcome help graciously when offered, but most people aren't at the same level with cooking. Now cleaning is a different story. I'm not a cleaner. I do enough to keep the bugs away. I really love it when people offer to CLEAN my kitchen! :laff:

[leslieann]

We are working through this question in our home. I was married and raised three kids while doing much of the traditionally female stuff: grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, gardening. Now I live with my DBF and his daughter and I have found myself taking all of that on without really reflecting on it (I should point out that we both work, and in my marriage, we also both worked). DBF says he's uncomfortable with me doing the cooking all the time but is unlikely to jump in if I am already doing it. So I am trying to let go of feeling solely responsible for keeping us provisioned, keeping meals coming, and managing the cleaning. It is hard to let go but I realize that it is my thinking that is keeping me in this rut. In other words, DBF is willing to share but I have to be able to see the chores as just chores that each of us can do, without attaching my identity to the work.

So as usual, I find myself to be a work in progress. I let go somewhat in the last month and we've run out of a number of things...but nobody died and we just made do. So maybe it really is okay to NOT be "in charge" of the household.

Nice questions to think about...

Edited to add: I should add that DBF has been cooking more and spontaneously offered to make the list and go shopping. So if I can avoid jumping in, the work still gets done and I don't have to do all of it. Pretty good deal!

[Mrs-M]

Blushing, not required, Herbgeek! LOL! P.S. However, seeing how we are on the topic of blushing, please allow me to blush along with you! :)

Leslieann. I've loosened-up on the reins (somewhat) as compared to my early family days/years. Absolutely everything related to domesticities, was "out of bounds" to all, other than myself. All things domestic home-front, aside from maintenance, was my baby, and I let it be known. Now, I appreciate a little help (here and there), but still pride myself with taking charge and showing my stuff! LMAO!

One event that really caused me to recoil and reassess my abilities/capabilities, was when the boys (our two youngest) became part of the family. One day (shortly after settling the babies in) my mom and SIL, dropped-by (unannounced). I remember I was burping the youngest, and with no explanation, my mom plucked the little one from my arms, and my SIL went for the toddler. It was then I realized how dead on my feet I really was, and being as stubborn as I was/am, I disregarded how exhausted I truly was, even though my mom had picked-up on it weeks earlier.

Now, I tend to view help and intervention, as love, which has helped me breakaway from my old stodgy ways. I still have a ways to go to reach that point and stage of "comfortable release", but it's coming, and as with most milestones and victories, "good things take time".

Good on you, Herbgeek and Leslieann, for tempting balance and comfort.