Um... hi. Is there a support group? An introduction.

[lavachickie]

*standing* Um.... hi? My name is Amy and... I'm a recovering consumer. I don't even know why I'm here really; I mean I know, but I don't know... what to do, really. *sits down*

Here's the rub; I DO KNOW WHAT TO DO. But I find myself inexplicably drawn to old habits, easy ways, and choices which may be good in the moment but are, across the board, against the goals I would say I hold, and my very condition (fiscal, physical, mental). So I'm looking for some areas to call home where I can focus more on making the changes and progress I wish to make, amidst those who hold the similar goals highly.

The calendar says I am 40 but I truly believe there's been a grave error. I do not look, feel, nor act "like" 40... and that's bad in some ways. I am married to my best friend and we've been together 23 years total (do the math on that one)... again there must be some mistake, it doesn't feel that way. :) I have a good job in a good company, but it doesn't inspire me. I have a nice modest home filled with a lot of great things, and we like to explore and experience new things as often as we can. My husband is self employed, and has been for almost 20 years, a source of joy and stress. We do not have children, but we do have two dogs who we without a doubt spoil and treat like children. :|(

I'm looking to focus on simplicity to get more out of less. Because pursuing more does NOT bring one more, I have found; the returns are quite diminishing, in fact, which is very draining, and frustrating. I have a number of personal and existential issues to tackle at the same time, but I feel many of the answers I seek are found within the space created by weeding out things and reducing life to the most important basics.

Anyway, there you go. :) I've been reading posts for a few weeks, signed up earlier this week, and look forward to learning more.

[Float On]

Welcome lavachickie.
My advice is baby steps. Is your husband on board for slowing down and being more simple too?

[kitten]

I'm in a similar place to you, lavachickie. Your life sounds enviable though, as you've described it. I'd be interested to know what it is that's driving you to reassess?

Right now I'm under emotional stress, hating my job, questioning my life goals, unable to concentrate, pursuing creative projects but feeling blocked, never have enough time - and I'm self-medicating by shopping. So humiliating, especially since I spend SO MUCH TIME thinking about simple living and trying to be more of a minimalist. I don't know why I'm doing the opposite right now.

Anyway, it's a journey for sure! You took the first step! You'll have fun here, and you'll find inspiration :)

[lhamo]

Welcome, lavachickie -- I hope you will find a supportive community here that will give you lots of encouragement as you explore the changes you feel you want/need to make. None of us are perfect and we all deal with stress in different ways. You guys shop. I ate the ice cream that SHOULD have been at least two servings of dessert for three people last night. Yeah, probably about 3000 calories worth.... Anyway, one of the great things about the SLN forums is that when we do crazy stuff like that we can come here and deconstruct it, and see what strategies others have for dealing with similar situations. If you're unhappy with some aspect of your life and want to make a change but don't quite know how, there are many, many people here who have dealt with similar issues and we tend to be rather opinionated so you can be sure to get input from lots of different perspectives. We don't have all the answers, but we enjoy trying to explore options together. So hope you stick around. Post your dilemmas and see what people have to say. And prepare for a fun and exciting journey.

lhamo

[mtnlaurel]

Welcome lavachickie! I just love reading these boards and working things out with like-minded folks. I have been struggling with many personal issues lately and have found solace in all different areas of the boards.
I am grateful to all the people that are so open with themselves here --- it helps me to examine my life as well.

[lavachickie]

Thanks for the great welcome, all.

Kitten, the big issues are a history of racking up consumer debt, then buckling down to pay it down. I've done this, big time, three times in my life. I want it to stop. There is some small business debt in there too, but not much, and the balance is one half of my yearly income, one quarter of our household income! So paying this one off will take some time... but I never, ever want it to happen again. And if I don't make changes in my home, habits and mind... I know it will. (Not a penny of that debt, was really necessary. Most was... frivolous. One indulgence after another, and with every single one I said, "Just this one thing, then we'll buckle down, pay it off and...")

And my job... it's a good job, I'm happy to have it. But it isn't work that enriches me beyond the paycheck, and it doesn't feel like a good way to spend 40 hours of my week. Having a job and wanting a better one is a luxury in and of itself.

I am well read on social issues and feel very strongly about living a humane and giving life. Yet there are times when I'm compelled to go to McDonalds. WTF? And while I'll feel guilty after doing so... I'll do it again. There's something wrong with that picture! While I rant against corporate greed, our artificial food system, and animal cruelty... I give them money. That has to stop.

The good news in that in the past few months we've made some really great changes that have gotten us on track. We use Mint.com (mainly because Quicken for Mac has gone south) and both look at and talk about the finances at least once a week. We don't argue, we just plan and execute. I've always handled the finances, and our main problem is that neither of us can say no to the other; we want them to have what they want! But I've asked him to say NO if it doesn't fit within our current fiscal reality. Cash based variable spending.

We've gone through the house at least once and "thinned." Found items we don't need/use and passed them on to a better life through eBay, Craigslist, the posting board at my work, or just give-a-way. Makes things feel a little more Zen. :)

Enough, though, I will share more in the right threads as time goes on. :)

Thanks again, all.

[razz]

Welcome lavachickie!

If you are a shopping addict (I just recently found out that this is a proper addiction creating a dopamine rush according to MRI researchers), can you approach the problem as you would wish a drug addict or alcoholic might? It is a solo trip and cannot be dependent on your partner or your partner depending on you any more than an alcoholic can depend on someone else controlling his/her craving.

What is your version of 'reaching the bottom"? Where do you hope to never return? Can you take charge of your thinking without looking for support from your partner each time you are thinking about buying?
If you don't have these questions answered first, you are as vulnerable to relapse as you would be for any other addiction if this is, in fact, what you are dealing with.
Hope that this helps and doesn't sound unkind.

[lucas]

Welcome lavachickie!

It's great to have you here in the forum.I'm also a 'recovering' shopping addict... I'm finding the forums extremely helpful, and I'm also setting up a new Skype-based support group for spending addicts... I've been in 12-step fellowship for some years, dealing with a more 'conventional' addiction, but I've only started to tackle my consumer addiction recently.... Send me a message if you like - my email is simplysolvent@gmail.com - and I'll tell you about the support group... I hope you're keeping well!

Hugs,
Lucas

[ApatheticNoMore]

Welcome.


I am well read on social issues and feel very strongly about living a humane and giving life. Yet there are times when I'm compelled to go to McDonalds. WTF? And while I'll feel guilty after doing so... I'll do it again. There's something wrong with that picture! While I rant against corporate greed, our artificial food system, and animal cruelty... I give them money. That has to stop.

is it the taste (I don't think you can be really informed what is in that food and have it taste very good anymore - last article I posted on the food system the taste is probably all just two drops of a chemical flavoring the whole food anyway - and the rest is cardboard or something like that :). Really maybe read MORE about the food system and you probably won't eat it), the convenience, the socialization?

Detach from media if you haven't. Some people seem unaffected by it and that's fine, but if you're a shopping addict you shouldn't be browsing ads (maybe not even for coupons), watching t.v. commercials, and so on. I detach from it because I regard it as a toxic culture, but I realize I have very strong opinons on this, puritanical and fanatical even, but I really do think so much of it is toxic mind programming (the ads, etc.). Maybe attach to simple living media (I mean books written about the joys of simple things - nature, hobbies, etc. I'm an introvert though so some people need something less sedate - then adventerous hobbies! Much to do in the world that isn't that costly).

I'm one of those more likely to abuse food when I'm unhappy than shopping personally though :\

[kitten]

Good advice above! I was thinking too that you might want to try the Personal Finance forum on here - discussions about debt, methods for restructuring your thinking about money, programs like Dave Ramsey's, etc.

[SteveinMN]

Welcome, lavachickie! I think you'll find you're among kindred spirits here.


my job... it's a good job, I'm happy to have it. But it isn't work that enriches me beyond the paycheck, and it doesn't feel like a good way to spend 40 hours of my week. Having a job and wanting a better one is a luxury in and of itself.

I am well read on social issues and feel very strongly about living a humane and giving life. Yet there are times when I'm compelled to go to McDonalds. WTF? And while I'll feel guilty after doing so... I'll do it again. There's something wrong with that picture! While I rant against corporate greed, our artificial food system, and animal cruelty... I give them money. That has to stop.
I could have written those paragraphs!

The one piece of advice I would offer at this point is to not be too hard on yourself. You've had a couple of decades to do things the old way; you're not going to turn the ship around overnight. Establishing intent is a great first action. Taking steps in the direction you want is good, too. But don't beat yourself up over occasionally lurching off to the side as you march forward. If, over time, you find yourself picking up an item and then putting it down and not buying it, good for you -- it will make it easier to do next time. If you notice that the last monthly McDonald's run was three months ago, you're on the right track.

Even from the short time I've been here, this group is a great bunch of folks. We've all stumbled along the way, so we have some empathy in these areas. I hope you'll stick around for a long time.

[cjones]

Welcome, lavachickie!I'm a newcomer too--I haven't introduced myself yet, but your intro inspires me to post one of myself. Your description of getting into debt, paying it off, rinse and repeat is familiar from my own life. One thing I'm trying now is a strategy I read about in the book Stuff. The book is about hoarders, and I am not a hoarder and I am not assuming that you are a hoarder. However, the book has invaluable advice about how to control those desperate cravings for new things. One I like is the suggestion to predict how upset you will be if you DON'T buy the thing. Then wait 30 minutes and rate your real distress in comparison to what you predicted. It's almost always way less. Then repeat, adding to your "wait" time. You're not just denying yourself the purchase outright, you're just waiting and rating your emotions. According to the book, people find that their craving and their distres at NOT giving in to it disappears much more quickly than they predict. I have found this also to work well for me when I use the technique--ah, there's the rub! WHEN I use it!

Stay in touch, you will find lots of support here.