View Full Version : Community-building outside of church
I am not a religious person, so I don't ever intend to get involved with any church. However, I do really love the tight, active and welcoming communities that churches build.
Are there any types of secular organisations that you could recommend that generate the same type of community cohesion?
I'm technically a member of a local community organisation, but their meetings and events are sporadic and normally only held for a specific purpose (yearly street parties and halloween parties, for example).
awakenedsoul
7-18-12, 4:26pm
I find that I'm meeting really spiritual people through Fiber Arts groups and knitting classes. We seem to have a lot in common. They are interested in yoga, Chinese medicine, self healing, and organic gardening. I may join a group of people here who grow rare fruits, too. I usually get along well with other gardeners. Oh, and volunteering is another good way to meet like minded people. I volunteered to plant the vegetable garden at our local elementary school, and the women there were very open and friendly.
Sorry, I know you said secular, but I haven't met people that way recently.
fidgiegirl
7-18-12, 5:18pm
I am also seeking something similar. There is something about churches that (for better or worse) makes people commit for the long haul. It's hard to get that in a volunteer group ...
I have often thought that to achieve such a group, I'd have to create it myself. And I don't really take any community-building actions to speak of. Once in a while I volunteer for girl scouts, but it's not the same. It's been bugging me, and I've been thinking of doing things like trying to invite friends or family to dinner once a week, or put nice little notes on neighbor's houses when we notice a nice improvement, etc. but I just haven't!
We are interested In becoming involved with animal service, I.e. therapy dogs, but not sure you find people-community there, either.
Looking forward to others' thoughts ...
I think if you get involved in whatever interests you, a community appears. Over the past few years I have signed up for classes, events and volunteer activities involving native plants, birding and tree-related things. I find that many of the same people show up at each and that slowly a community of sorts has evolved wherein we all share the same purpose of celebrating and promoting the natural world. Eventually, things like pot-lucks and social gatherings increase.
Good post. And you're right. It's a lot easier when you're associated with a church--I'm not either.
There's something about people when they belong to a church. They're committed for the long haul. Good, bad or ugly.
I will sound like a broken record here but to keep it brief: my neighborhood has all of the social stuff you are looking for in a community.
For instance, just last night, there was a neighborhood alert about a dropped off pitbull dog, dumped in our park. On my evening walk I encountered several people who had responded to one neighbor's EGroups post to come and help catch the doggie. I knew everyone in the group, they had come from all 4 corners of the 'nabe. This is just one example of hundreds of activities that go on here regularly: planned, spur of the moment, etc.
It's a wonderful place to live. We are not exactly unique in St. Louis in this regard but we have the strongest social structure of any other neighborhood.
I think if you get involved in whatever interests you, a community appears. Over the past few years I have signed up for classes, events and volunteer activities involving native plants, birding and tree-related things. I find that many of the same people show up at each and that slowly a community of sorts has evolved wherein we all share the same purpose of celebrating and promoting the natural world. Eventually, things like pot-lucks and social gatherings increase.
I agree strongly with this. Outside of our neighborhood activites, I belong to a few hobby groups and each one grows into a little community. The people who circle the Missouri Botanical Gardens seem to pop up a lot in my life. I guess that is our place of worship and the being we pay homage to is cultivated Mother Nature.
Good topic, Mira. I was just thinking of this same thing. I attended a funeral last month for an elderly man that was very well attended. One reason for the big crowd was his being a military veteran, and also a member of a good-size church. I was impressed with the caring, kindness and overall camaraderie among the church members.
I'm not a church member or a vet, so have to look elsewhere for this. I have some cherished long-time friends, and recently I've made new friends through some meet-up groups, and that's been fun, so that's one option. We'll see if it goes to the next level.
I agree about pursuing your own special interests with outside groups and see what develops naturally. I also think it's especially important as one gets older because it's easy to have your world shrink (friends moving away, family and/or friends dying, etc.) so you have to make a conscious effort to have mixed age groups in your world.
try2bfrugal
7-19-12, 12:01am
Most of the people we know that have a lot of friends just belong a a bunch of civic, volunteer or hobby clubs like a boating club, archery, rock collecting, bridge group, Rotary club, Moose Lodge, Soroptimists, the Sierra Club, art appreciation, book clubs or do volunteer work. We are not exactly role models for community and social involvement, but we have started joining a number of hobby groups and have been building up more of a social network this way.
I am between membership in a church.
I happened to tell a couple of friends about one of The Great Courses that I was ordering and they were really interested. So I invited them to listen to the audio CD with me. We rotated between houses and the group grew to 6. Then some from that group with added new-to-me friends wanted to walk the local old rail lines which had been beautifully converted into hiking trails. I now do that with a wider circle of friends as time permits twice weekly.
What about a coffee group once a week with just one friend and then add slowly?
Gardenarian
7-19-12, 11:59am
I belong to many groups - Friends of the Library, local environmental groups, several homeschooling support groups. But none of these provide the weekly socializing, bonding, and support that a church would offer. We are none of us committed to each other, and may leave the group at any time. I would love to have the support that is offered by a church, but there is no church in our town that I feel I could be a part of (we only have the one Catholic church.)
I'm trying to start an ongoing game night with my neighbors - all great people - but the scheduling is hard. My hope is that by playing cards or Scrabble once week we will become closer-knit and feel more like a family.
I have actually considered trying to start a church in my town, because it seems a non-denominational spiritual center is really needed.
The Lions Club and Eagles are popular in our town, and do tremendous work - but not my particular cup of tea.
We of course have some close groups within our church -- a weekly meditation group in people's homes or sometimes at church, a twice-a-month spiritual-discussion group at church, twice-a-month lunches out, and other spontaneous things. Also church-business meetings, committees and the like, and a group involved in planning interfaith services/activities.
We are also involved in starting a cohousing community in Boise and have become good friends with the others who are also working on this. We definitely plan to live in an intentional COMMUNITY with these people. Unfortunately, we have made no attempt to build community in our current neighborhood, and no one else has either. To make excuses ... we're retired and are just about the only ones home all day. And when they come home from work they go inside and that's the last you see of them, even on weekends. Only one family has kids, so not even any kids playing. And, we're often gone as well, to one of our church-related groups during the day and often in the evening. Yes, we could just invite someone over for dinner or the like, but just haven't ...
goldensmom
7-19-12, 5:47pm
Excellent topic. I read the OP when I got home from Wednesday church last night. At the service I observed people who’d been attending/committed to that church for their whole lives, some were second and third generations. They key is commitment. I’ve been in and out of groups throughout my lifetime depending on my interests which come and go, wax and wane and I think this is common. My only constant is church.
Now to the OP regarding groups aside from a church….I really don’t know of any group/organization that will provide the tight, community you are looking for aside from a church/spiritual group because usually the commitment to that type of organization is what I call ‘soul-deep’ and members have a sense of ‘stick-to-it-ness’ often lacking in a common interest focused group. The groups already mentioned will provide social interaction if your expectations for a strong commitment are not too high because peoples interests fluctuate and they will come and go. I like to organize so if I were to want a group that would at least try to meet the needs I find important, I’d find a kindred spirit, brain storm and start a group.
Mira - I haven't read all the responses yet but if it hasn't been mentioned already, check out the Meet Up groups in your area. Around here (biggish city) there are literally thousands of meet up groups with a VERY wide array of interests. Many people build tight communities in Meet up groups based on shared interests. www.meetup.com
Thank you so much everyone. It is comforting to know that there are others out there looking for the same thing. I think part of the problem in this neighbourhood is that it's expansive and very densely populated in a city, which, weirdly, makes it a bit more difficult for a strong community to form. Everyone keeps to themselves.
Maybe this is the wrong attitude, but I've kind of resigned myself to not being part of a tight community until we move to a quieter area, populated with houses instead of multi-residence apartment blocks. Everything feels so isolated here, dispersed and individualistic.
I'm going to try and be more active in the community organisation I mentioned though - their Halloween party is coming up soon.
I've been to Meetup.com groups before but never really stuck around. It felt like the too many people to get to know at once for me. Maybe most of the problem is ME!
Tussiemussies
9-29-12, 4:13pm
Do also have this issue, it has been very hard to make any new friends where we live now. I just looked up the meetup groups in my area and there is no knitting/crochet which I would be interested in.
In our neighborhood no one speaks to each other --the truth!
Would like to at least have a few friends...
HappyHiker
9-29-12, 4:31pm
Love this topic...we all need "community." Though I belong to several women's groups, after a while, they mostly devolve into talk about kids, grandkids and medical issues...a little of that goes a long way for me.
I've been kicking round the idea of starting a Sunday Salon...saw this concept posted in a town 12 hours from me and found it appealing. I t took place at a local restaurant and went from noon to 2 PM. They brought local experts and thought leaders to address the group. The one I saw posted was on the topic of Art and how it contributes to the community. Had I lived in that town, you'd find me there...
I hunger for substantive discussion and talk and shared activities. So my suggestion is to attend events and investigate groups that speak to your spirit and soul and be brazen and approach others who seem to be on your wave-length.
And I hope to take my own advice and do the same...maybe we can attract and adopt kindred spirits and create our heart groups...
Let us know how it goes.
Tussiemussies
9-29-12, 4:40pm
Happy Hiker, I also don't want to be in a group where the main discussion is about ailments, gossip and politics. That is one reason I have not pursued looking things up on meet- up until now...your Sunday Salon sounds like a fantastic idea. .:)
Love this thread. I actually took a class at church, over the weekend. We spoke about community and how it parallels with an individuals feeling of 'happiness'. I'll write below that I really prefer to be by myself the majority of the time. With that said, I *feel* a strong sense of community (and that is because of my church), and personality wired, just don't need the direct interactions as often as maybe others do.
Personally, the area that we live in, while it contributes to our lifestyle in many positive ways. It also is a detractor that high consumption, more surface friendships just exist. People want to weed out what your husband 'does', how much money your household makes. Superficiality. Kids have to be in the *right* sport, parents even have to wear the *right* things, drive the *right* cars, go to the *right* places on vacation. It's pretty exhausting with where I am today, to even be around those kind of conversations without inside screaming and looking for an escape. Still, we have found some really nice people that we consider friends. I think one part of the process in simplifying, which we've found over the years.. is quality over quanitity. If you apply this to most aspects of your life, I think it will help. And that includes the number of friends that you have, though, acquantances.. Those people have a place in your life, too. I really enjoy chit chatting with the bagger at Publix. He's the retired aviator that knows all about what my husband does for a living, he also bikes 20 miles a day and is in his 70s, he's witty and fun to talk with. And I think, 'man, I want to be that energetic and fun when I'm his age!' Those are the type of folks I mean that I really don't 'know' but enjoy.
So, I would say:
If you bike, go bike.
If you like to go to a park, go to a park.
If you like free festivals, go to the free festivals.
etc. etc.
The friends will come through those avenues of like minded interests. It may take a little while, so be patient. You may find some diversity in that, too. There may be the nice, new friend that really likes to go to the library with her thermos of coffee and sit with new books she's checked out at the adjacent park. You guys could start a reading group, enjoy your coffee, and talk about what you're reading. But maybe she loathes biking or whatever other simple activities you enjoy. So, she can be your library friend that maybe you'll invite out for other things. Maybe she'll say yes, maybe it's not her thing.. You'll see.
Variety is the spice of life. So, just be open to little interactions. As time goes on, you're expanding your 'community'.
I struggle with this, as it's not how I'm wired. I can feel comfort because I'm on a forum with like minded people. However, in real world, I'm incredibly introverted until I get to know someone. And I'll be honest, I actually really enjoy being to myself. So, I do have to nudge myself when I meet someone that I realize vibes with my lifestyle, that passes my 'gut check' (because I also have that working against me). This week, met a friend with her kids. That's the only outing that I've had with friends all week. And I'm really fine with that. Whereas, I have friends that really have a stronger need to plan things at least every other day and on the weekend, when I'd rather just be with my family. During the week, when the kids are in school, I really want to take care of my household, bike, run errands, etc. but if a friend calls (or if it's been a while since I've seen them), I'll call and invite. Usually for tea or coffee. :) So far, haven't come across a friend that's game for a 5 mile bike ride on an errands route with a stop for lunch. However, when I do go by myself, there's usually the waitress there that works in the outdoor seating. She knows that I have Rheumatoid, always loves to ask what errands I'm running that day. So, we talk about that type of stuff.. Or I sometimes have a funny story with something that I biked past. She lives in the next city over, doesn't bike, so she gets a kick out just the novelty (I guess) of my hauling my sack with packages for the post office and whatever I may haul from the grocer on the way back.
Anyhow, hope that gives you reassurance if the bonafide 'friends' that you may be seeking, don't come quickly. :)
awakenedsoul
10-18-12, 4:04pm
Welcome, SimplyL, great post! I'm having the same problem. When I was younger, I felt like I had a built in social life with work. I've tried a few of knitting groups here, but only found one so far where I feel comfortable. The first one the women were very cliquey and critized new people's knitting. ("That's terrible.") I'm a beginning knitter, and I don't want to have to deal with that. The other one is also very tight knit. (No pun intended.) They don't even speak to new people, and they glare at you and give you dirty looks. It's really weird. There were some nice people there, too. I tried to just focus on them. One woman was very friendly, but she spent the whole time obsessing over her kids. It kind of drained me.
I've been starting to travel more. I realized that location makes a big difference when it comes to the type of people you meet. Although this area is great for me on a financial level, socially, it's very challenging.
Cohousing & integrating cohousing principles into one's neighborhhod. Shared meals, to start with! Try organizing a Community Kitchen.
I get it, awakened. That is so horrible to try new things and experience a snub. And dirty looks - what on Earth is that about? How welcoming. :( I can not stand cliques. With my husband being in the military, it's as though you have this 'built in social circle'. This group of other spouses that are now your new best friends, simply for the fact that your husband and their husband work together. In many other jobs, your interaction with a spouse is reserved for that annual Christmas party.
Like your experience with built in friends via work, I found that with my work colleagues, they talked about work. With the spouses, they talked about the military (or worse - about one another, well, whichever one was not present at the time). So one thing that I appreciate now, is that A) my friends all come from different life experiences B) they all do not know one another **I really recommend the peace that comes from having a few friends that are not part of one big circle. There's no gossip, you can speak openly without something even accidently coming out to a mutual friend, and you get to enjoy bonafide 1:1 coffee or tea without someone extra popping in. This notoriously happened with my military spouse friends and career friends. I do still have military spouse friends, however, I'm older - do not participate in the structured group activities. In fact, most of us have full lives outside of what our husband's do for a living, careers, busy full time homemakers, other interests, so it's just relaxing to have them near if you need them to vent. Yet, it does not define the basis of our friendships.
I really love reading that you're traveling also! We've been able to meet so many people, along the way, through our moves. We had a neighbor who was from Germany and her husband was part of the Army Band. They both performed and it was so much fun on a Friday night. We also had friends who were 3x's stationed in Okinawa, Japan. The cultural diversity that comes from traveling abroad or at least being in a hub of people that come from different parts of the world, is really fun!
awakenedsoul
10-18-12, 10:38pm
Thanks, SimplyL. I reconnected with a massage therapist from Denmark yesterday, and noticed right away how comfortable I feel with him and most Western Europeans. We both have the ballet background, and I enjoyed hearing about his life here. He's been very successful. It's just a different energy. More of a spiritual and artistic connection.
I also was chatting with a man from India who lives around the corner. We both have rescued abused dogs from the shelter. He's really nice, and told me that he and his wife would like me to come to dinner. They also want to come see my garden. So, I'll give them some fresh veggies and go enjoy their company. They seem very friendly and kind. I guess dog walking is a good way to meet people! I met another nice woman today that way...I had run into her once at Costco. Turns out she lives nearby...
katieb12
10-20-12, 12:04am
I belong to a women's discussion group which meets once a month, in the evening. We met just last night and our topic was - COMMUNITY. ;) Interestingly, the group evolved from a library program I organized about three years ago. There were around 10 of us, and we met once a week for 6 or 8 weeks (can't remember exactly). We used the Northwest Earth Institute's Voluntary Simplicity booklet.
http://www.nwei.org/discussion_courses/course-offerings/voluntary-simplicity
When the formal program was over, we decided to continue to meet, and have been doing so ever since. So it's a group that is like-minded and although we have revealed a lot about ourselves and become friendly, we have also tried to maintain our purpose to discuss VS issues. What a godsend to be able to talk with others about this stuff. I no longer feel like a freak!
Great topic. I have been thinking about this for some time, too. I do envy religious organizations' almost-instant sense of community. It is very difficult to find like-minded people.
Have you heard of the Sunday Assembly? It's a 'church' for non-believers, started here in London by comedians Pippa Evans and Sanderson Jones. They are trying to make it a worldwide thing. It's proving very popular.
Here's the website:
http://sundayassembly.com/about/
I'd go, but I'd need to take my boyfriend, and he kind of is a believer, so I don't know if he'd like it. But then again, I've accompanied him to church before now...
I'm trying to see if there are people interested in Voluntary Simplicity in London, England. I've started a Meetup group. No idea if anyone will get in touch :laff:
SteveinMN
11-12-13, 9:23am
There just was an article on Sunday Assemblies in the U.S.! It is an Associated Press story, so I'm sure it appeared in several newspapers, but here (http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/231362221.html) is a local link to it.
That was a nice article. Sunday Assemblies seem to be meeting some people's need for community.
I volunteer at a number of places, over time I've actually built a circle of friends and acquaintances around that. Not just for the events themselves, but we get together for other activities as well.
ToomuchStuff
11-12-13, 5:44pm
Have you heard of the Sunday Assembly? It's a 'church' for non-believers, started here in London by comedians Pippa Evans and Sanderson Jones. They are trying to make it a worldwide thing. It's proving very popular.
Here's the website:
http://sundayassembly.com/about/
I'd go, but I'd need to take my boyfriend, and he kind of is a believer, so I don't know if he'd like it. But then again, I've accompanied him to church before now...
First I have heard of that non prophet group.
We have a community center here, that has a gym and various classes, although most classes are filled with elderly/retired folk. (between time frames (woodcarving class, Monday mornings), and some classes covering things that most people would do in a workforce, like use a computer).
cindycindy
11-12-13, 9:27pm
My DH and I have been empty nesters for a few years now (both still working) and have both yearned for the sense of community that church so easily provides. We were thinking of joining a Unitarian type church, but wondered if even that would seem too religious (guess it depends on the particular church). Would definitely check out a Sunday Assembly if there was one around here. We're not atheists. My husband is probably closer to a Christian in his heart; I'm more of an agnostic. We brought up our kids in the Catholic Church, and while I appreciate the traditions associated with the church and have attempted to attend on a regular basis from time to time, I invariably get disillusioned as my heart isn't in it as far as the actual beliefs. In a way, I envy those who are steadfast in their beliefs and wonder what it must be like.
Tussiemussies
11-12-13, 10:13pm
My DH and I have been empty nesters for a few years now (both still working) and have both yearned for the sense of community that church so easily provides. We were thinking of joining a Unitarian type church, but wondered if even that would seem too religious (guess it depends on the particular church). Would definitely check out a Sunday Assembly if there was one around here. We're not atheists. My husband is probably closer to a Christian in his heart; I'm more of an agnostic. We brought up our kids in the Catholic Church, and while I appreciate the traditions associated with the church and have attempted to attend on a regular basis from time to time, I invariably get disillusioned as my heart isn't in it as far as the actual beliefs. In a way, I envy those who are steadfast in their beliefs and wonder what it must be like.
I am an inactive member of the Mormon church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. People in this church strictly adhere to what is taught! I have often wondered what is the difference in a person who adheres compared to one in another faith who does not.
I've just discovered that there's a Sunday Assembly group starting up in my city. They meet a bit far from where I live, but I'm going to look into it nonetheless.
Teacher Terry
12-19-13, 3:46pm
There are some churches that are more of a spiritual nature-Unitarian Universalist, Unity Churches and Religious Science. Now do not confuse this with Christian Science. These types of churches focus on mediation versus praying and see God as the collective thoughts of everyone on this planet. I have been to all of these and unity is the most religious of the 3 and Unitarian the least.
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