MIL dilemna

[flowerseverywhere]

My own parents died when I was young so I think I have been far more tolerant of my MIL than most would be. She has always been crabby and critical. Since she was widowed four years ago she is always trying to come along with any of us when we do anything. Sometimes we want to go on vacation alone or visit the kids without some crabby old lady with us.
One day on the way to see my son and his family we stopped at a restaurant. She yelled at the waitress who asked if we wanted desert, they had great pie and homemade ice cream. She practically yelled "Ice cream gives me diarrhea" We were mortified. She then said several critical things to son and DIL about how they were raising their kids. I quietly asked her not to criticize them. I never ever say anything negative to my DIL's and only give them advice when they ask. They are very sweet responsible young women and I have carefully cultivated a relationship with them. This kind of behavior has always been there but we just weren't exposed to is nearly as much when FIL was alive.

Anyway, we would love to go to Europe and were casually talking about places we might want to go however she has already said "Oh take me on your next trip, I would love to go overseas again." Well, the last thing I want to do is spend my limited travel budget with someone who is crabby. Then DIL asked if I could come and stay one week and babysit and when she heard she wanted to come with me. Well she was quite miffed when I said I wanted to go alone as I get so little chance to see my grandchildren and children. DH tries to limit our exposure and will often say things to buffer her comments, but she is getting old and it is his mother. Any suggestions?

[razz]

That is tough to deal with. She may be needing to be in a social setting like a retirement home where she can get assistance from professionals and company from her peers through structured activities. You have not given enough info to suggest that she may be facing mental decline requiring an assessment to determine if she is developing Alzheimers or something similar.

Set boundaries and stick to them. You are entilted to have a life of your own.

[Kat]

((flowerseverywhere)) It is so hard to walk that line between being compassionate and setting appropriate boundaries. You do deserve to have a vacation of your own. Perhaps you can plan something special to do with your MIL when you get back.

[beckyliz]

You have our "permission" to not take MIL on your wonderful trip. She'll deal with it one way or another. I agree with PPs about boundaries. DH needs to take the lead on this (it's his mother, afterall).

[IshbelRobertson]

Come to Europe and enjoy yourselves.

Leave the crabby M-i-L at home!

[Glo]

Sounds like your MIL needs social activities with her peers. Do you have senior activities in your area? I'd try to get her involved in some sort of programs.

[flowerseverywhere]

I think she is too crabby to succeed in any senior activities, and it hasn't been a recent development. She has always been one of those critical and difficult people who complained a lot. When FIL was alive they were a crabby pair and we managed to keep some distance.

Since I wrote this we had a long talk and DH did speak with her and told her we may be taking a trip next year but he wanted to go just with me to celebrate our anniversary. She was pretty snotty - then she called later in the day to inform us that she spoke with another relative and she was going on a trip with her. We will continue to be as nice as we can, but try to keep our distance.

[Anne Lee]

Judging by the description of your MIL, I suspect she is of the generation that just didn't "do" self improvement especially when it came to emotional health. You put up with other people and expected them to put up with you.

While the baby boomers and subsequent generations can be self absorbed, whenever I hear a story like this I realize that a little introspection can be a good thing.

Crabby, critical people are rarely happy people. She may be depressed or suffer from an anxiety disorder or who knows what. Good luck trying to get her to address it, though.

[djen]

You are absolutely allowed to have a vacation without your MIL. You could do that even if she was sweet as pie! You're not leaving her out because she's a crabby old biddy (although it may be more enjoyable without her because of that!), you're leaving her out because everyone gets to have a vacation with just their spouse if they want, or just their nuclear family, or just their DIL, etc etc etc.

There is no one in ANY family situation who is automatically taken along on every single outing, unless perhaps they are a nursing baby. But that is certainly not the situation here.

Go on your vacation with whomever your choose and have a good time!

[redfox]

flowers, senior services centers are well aware of crabby seniors - she is not the first or only one like this! They can handle it.