View Full Version : INTROVERTS...a Question About PROCESSING
OK...I just got back from a public event. I LOVED IT.
But, now I feel like I am drained. I feel like I am on a high but also that I have this big clog of fog in my brain. I can feel that it is going to take some time to decompress it all - work through all that happened in my mind and think about it all. It is like I have a big chunk of cheese in my brain and I have to sort through it and get it all filed and processed and thought about before I can return to normal. This may take a few hours or a day or a good nights sleep.
Here is my question:
This process always seems to need to take place after I do something majorly social. Do you think this process is like exercise in that the more you do it, the easier it is? Or do you think it is just as hard no matter how often you do it?
I just wonder if by not doing things socially it makes it even harder to process it all when you do things socially. So maybe that is a vicious cycle that I need to try to break by mabye planning a social thing once a month or something to keep on it. Or would once a month just drain me just as much.
I'm 50, and its still hard for me to process, and I routinely do social things. I know I won't sleep well after a big party because I'll be rehashing all the conversations I had that night. One on one or small groups don't impact me as much, unless the conversation has been really intense with lots of things to think about.
I think it does depend on how much socializing you do routinely. Both my husband and I notice that if we are in a job that is with lots of people, we get a bit better at socializing. For instance, I'm in school this year, so lots of people around all the time, and the company Christmas party didn't bother me as much. But when me husband works as a truck driver, all by himself for hours at a time, he has an increased sensitivity to socializing. On the other hand, we will never get completely used to socializing so that there is no recovery period. Just slightly better or worse at it, depending on our normal routine.
Good question! I need to withdraw and decompress after socialization especially when I worked with people who had health issues. It was draining and I had to recharge. When contact is lowkey, I have found it much less stressful so actually enjoy that type of contact. If there is some controversy, I am totally beat until I meditate and calm myself down.
earthshepherd
2-5-11, 10:42am
Social contact always drains me even when I enjoy it, which honestly is most of the time. I have to have down time in the form of quiet. Living with mostly extroverts (except DS who is like me), I sometimes have to do without the quiet I crave!
After a social event I do feel drained and when I get home I can feel my body relaxing. I usually don't feel the need to rehash the event, just glad it's over.
loosechickens
2-5-11, 2:13pm
I do need the decompression time after socializing, that's for sure, and I've found that "pacing" is very important. If I go out and do something on Monday, don't expect me to want to socialize or do stuff outside on Tuesday, or maybe even Wednesday, but by Thursday, I'll feel recharged enough to be able to enjoy something else.
I do think that regular outings, not too stressful or large, and not too often, keeps the "social juices" flowing a bit, but not in a way that is overwhelming. My sweetie has learned over the years that if he wants an enthusiatic and interested companion on an outing, he has to limit the frequency and the intensity to fit my ability to absorb and enjoy.
I am curious. I too am an introvert as well as HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). For those who have partners; how did you meet your SO? I lack the companionship of a partner. My habit of being a solitaire has kept me from mixing and mingling with folks and finding a partner. The hobbies I enjoy, cooking, yoga, walking, meditation, reading, gardening, are mostly done solo. I belong to a local garden club, but the membership is 99% female.
ApatheticNoMore
2-5-11, 6:33pm
Well if you feel bad because you are "beating yourself up" in some way. "Oh, that was a stupid thing to say, etc. etc.". Then really, stop it. Really you have to block these types of things and blocking really is the right term.
But if you just feel drained in general without any of this, well introverts ARE literally wired differently. They aren't just the same as extroverts but instead differ at the physiological level. It's my suspicion from my readings that some anti-depressants do work to make introverts more like extroverts (and I'm not just talking diagnosable social anxiety), but meh I don't consider that the most salutary use of them.
I think I'd base the decision on whether to do the public events regularly on whether it was on net beneficial (enjoy it, get to meet new people and make new friends, whatever) rather than on whether I'd overcome my introversion someday (introversion as such can not of course be completely overcome, like I said introverts are different, but perhaps how you deal with it's ramifications could change).
Well if you feel bad because you are "beating yourself up" in some way. "Oh, that was a stupid thing to say, etc. etc.". Then really, stop it. Really you have to block these types of things and blocking really is the right term.
This is what I do constantly! That in itself is draining! I have been attempting to ignore/curb such thoughts recently. I predict being sectioned if I don't quit soon...
I met my SO through an outings club. I could focus on activites and not people and thus let accidental acquaintances develop. I did shed solitary activies deliberately and tried to find group activities just to get that social contact going.
The introversion wiring is such that most processing of social events is very concious and not automatic. This makes perceiving social events much more work for introverts vs extroverts. Extroverts apparently process social events so automatically they need much more social stimulation to feel an impact.
My DH and I are both introverts and we dread social occasions, but almost always have a good time once we get there. When we get home, though, we usually both retreat to separate rooms for a little while to decompress.
Cypress, DH and I met at work. He came to fix my computer and had another coworker with him who was not an introvert and who really helped to break the ice for us.
early morning
2-6-11, 7:12pm
I'm an introvert who decided it wasn't working for me as a teenager, so I spent a lot of time more or less forcing myself to be social, and I'm really glad I did. Not that I'm good at it, but I manage much better than I did as a kid. I get plenty of social contact at work, much of it rather stressful, and I do need time to process and decompress. Honestly, I think that's a major reason I don't mind working pretty far from home - the car is my decompression chamber. Working just down the street would kill me, lol.
I think of being an introvert as a trait I have to accept. Much like being tall, short, slight or stocky - whatever. There is only so much I can do to adjust/cope with those occaisions that require some level of extroversion.
Much like excercise, it does get easier with repetition and I can build my stamina to do more socializing, more frequently. But, I always need to accept and understand that as an introvert I will always have a limit that many extroverts just don't. If I don't pay attention to this or push myself too much it'll really drag me down.
I don't quite know What I am. I've been in this hotel room since Monday. Yesterday, I don't think I spoke a single word. I've left the room once to go out to the car and get another bag of almonds and some coffee, and once to re-register. I haven't even had the tv on in days. When I finally get around people again, I will be slow and jerky. My speech and timing will be awkward. I will stutter a little and possibly even seem like I have a speech defect or a small stroke - sort of like a bad cell phone connection where you and the other person keep tripping over each other. I will lurch between this and almost excessively gregarious spurts. I will be hugely uncomfortable. And like a small appliance, I will warm up and become a normal extroverted and unalarming sort of a person again within fifteen minutes, enjoy myself, and be back in extrovert mode with no need to process at all and the social grace to manage nearly anything, until 1. burnout - which will take about a week at which point I will become irritable, difficult and exaggerated in my motions as my mind and body insist that I be left in peace for a few days, or 2. the stimulation withdraws on its own, at which point I will sit down with a book or computer and not interact again until something seeks me out ... and yet, it works. Probably good I don't have a normal life, though. I think my "on/off switch" (is that 'processing?) functions so slowly that an hour of down time doesn't even register, I just feel like I'm on on on all the time (and in a perpetual state of that snapping, flapping "will I EVER have a moment of peace" irritability) if the interval is too short.
Speaking as an extrovert who has always lived with introverts, here is what I've observed about my husband - he fares better in a large scale social situation by staying a short amount of time, and by finding one person ( not me!) to focus on for the duration - another introvert ally who can just hang with him. He & my sis, also an introvert, do this for each other at family gatherings. They joke about finding a quiet corner to sit in together and not interact.
He cannot spend much time with me in these settings, because what most juices me is a large room full of people I've never met, and if he hangs with me, I introduce him to everyone in sight, and within 10 minutes he looks drained and shut down - though I have learned to not do this much, and I do try to spend quiet time with him. He's not my first introvert sweetie, and I long ago learned to not take it personally. A therapist once suggested I date extroverts, but my introverted friends claimed I wouldn't be able to stand the competition...
So, I offer the strategy he & my sis have designed. Find another introvert ally, find a quiet corner as a respite space to retreat to as needed, and stay as long as it feels good for you. We all make trade-offs for things we like, and as long as you know what your recovery time will be, you can gauge your stamina.
Also - there are gregarious introverts and shy extroverts, as well as those people who truly are right in the middle of the spectrum. The Myers Briggs personality profile index is a great way to assess this. A shorter version and good explanations are in the book Please Understand Me.
I think I am probably a pretty classic example of "gregarious introversion." I love that term -- would make a great blog title. And that is a key point -- I think the internet is a natural social environment for gregarious introverts, and blogs and discussion fora are wonderful and much needed tools for us. We can interact with people at our own pace and when we start to reach our limits we can just pull back, but you don't have that awkward thing that happens in real life when you are overwhelmed and just need to get away and people don't get it and think you are wierd or unfriendly.
On my goals list for 2011 are some items related to getting out more and being more social. Our whole family and me in particular really need to make more friends and have more of a social life here in Beijing, so I am trying to make it a priority. I have just set up THREE separate in-person get togethers with people who I so far have only just known through on-line connections. We'll have one get together tomorrow and probably two more next weekend. I am exhausted just thinking about it, but I know it will be good for me. I am one of those people who will have a great time when actually with people, but then I need at least 2-3 hours of "down time" to decompress after all the social interaction, most preferably alone. Like others have said, if I don't get the chance to decompress and recharge, I get really cranky and irritable and sometimes will even get physically sick.
I have several work trips coming up that are going to be 10-12 hours a day of constant, high level interaction, and those are always a real challenge for me. I usually end up going back to my room and needing to just vegitate for several hours before I can get to sleep. I enjoy it when I am in the middle of it, and I don't think anyone would guess how much of a drain it is on me, but it really is.
lhamo
I am an introvert and have only just realized that I do need time to decompress and process from social events. I recently went out to lunch with six women who are either related to me as in-law relations, or their oldest and dearest friends. It took me two days to piece together everything that flew back and forth across that table! My DH and I went to Israel recently, and it took me several days to get my thoughts and impressions together before I could write my mother a lucid email about my impressions and experiences on the trip. And yes, I have to limit the number of social activities I do in a week so I don't get sick, go crazy, or both!
I'm so glad to hear there are other introverts out there. I socialize occasionally and really enjoy it for the most part. I have found I enjoy small groups compared to large social events. Being home full-time for many years has taken a toll on my social skills, especially raising a son with special needs.
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