Co-worker trying to get me to commit to lunches with Angry Chick

[kitten]

I have a co-worker Dort (not his real name) who I spend about a third of every day with. He's got some personality issues - massive egomaniac who can't stop talking, and he has a need to interrupt me no matter what I'm doing, to attend to his latest news about an ex-ex girlfriend I've never met, or watch the new kitty video his friend Garth just sent him, or whatever. The thing is, he's actually a sweet guy, and he'd probably give me the clothes off his back if I needed them. So I don't hate the guy, but I need to try to avoid his interruptions at work, and so far I'm doing okay on that score.

Dort is very social, and lives for restaurant outings and get-togethers with friends. Unfortunately his overbearing conversational style (and habit of spewing food and drink on people when he's talking and eating) means he doesn't have a wide circle of folks to choose from. But I go to happy hour with him occasionally, because we have the work thing in common and he's fun in small doses.

Okay, so there's this woman I call Anger Chick because she's just bizarrely angry and weird about everything. I met her through Dort, who invited her to happy hour one day. Anger Chick is also isolated socially, so she was thrilled to be included here. Traditionally our happy hour group consists of Dort, me, and another woman Alice, whose friend Martin would occasionally join us. They both took an instant dislike to Anger Chick, who constantly brags about being double-Ivy and having known minor celebrities at Brown, among other things. They told Dort no more Anger Chick, or they weren't coming to happy hour anymore.

Dort was wringing his hands about the situation, trying to get me to solve it. His persona is "Mr. Nice Guy," so he can't ever risk confronting anyone or addressing any problem. So he comes to me and tries to get me to iron things out. I fell for it this time - volunteered to let Anger Chick come to lunch with Dort and me on occasion, so that she wouldn't feel left out as much after being booted out of happy hour. (We don't refer to happy hour anymore, just pretend it was dismantled, but the rest of us continue to meet on alternate Thursdays.)

So I've been kind of a sacrificial lamb, because I don't love Anger Chick much myself. But I feel sorry for her - her mother had a mental illness and her dad was an alcoholic, and she was basically ignored (except for her physical needs) as a child. She's full of rage. She has this blog that she's constantly trying to get me to read, where she accuses her extended family of being criminals, head cases and jerks. I find it strange so I don't read it, but she's always crying to me that somebody read her blog and "didn't like how I portrayed them." No $hit! Why on earth would a 45-year old woman think she could get online and start castigating everyone she knows without any blowback? Did she think they were going to send her red roses?

I've tried to explain to her that her behavior is rude and inappropriate, and could also open her up to legal liability. I said, "You like writing, turn this into a book. Or find a good therapist and start journaling." She says she hates therapists, and can't find the time to write right now.

Our lunches have become tiresome and inconvenient, and I want out. The thing is, when I've cancelled recently, Dort has come crying to me that he doesn't want to be left alone with Anger Chick. He only likes her in company, not when he has to have lunch with her alone. But he's in anguish, because she's a FAN of his (he's a radio guy who just LURVES his fans, and there aren't that many) and he can't possibly risk alienating her. So he's coming to me, sort of pleading with and alternately attacking me - "Don't cancel out on lunch again and leave me alone with Anger Chick!" But he's friends with her husband and refuses to cut her off.

I realize I need to extricate myself from this time suck, and that Dort is taking advantage of me. I have to work with him a lot, so I don't want to alienate him. I've tried to explain it: "Dort, sometimes your friends won't all like each other. That's life. Please stop inviting her to lunch." He says "Good idea," but then next week rushes into my studio to declare, "Anger Chick wants to have lunch, when can you meet?"

Sorry this was so long - I know what I need to do, I'm just reluctant to do it. I guess I would just appreciate any input that you can offer in this exasperating situation.

[redfox]

Setting boundaries can be hard, and re-setting them after giving in is particularly difficult.

What is your worst fear? What is the most awful thing you can conceive of happening if you say no & stick to that?

[kitten]

Thanks Redfox. Your'e right, it's a boundary issue. I've had them all my life. I've gotten into situations that were really dangerous for me in the past, and with some therapeutic help over a period of years, I've begun to start taking care of myself and to pre-empt these kinds of things before they got worse.

I think what's harder now is that I work every day at the same place. In my school days, I'd be thrown in with users and bullies, but they would fade a way after a few months or years because the school year would end, and everything would change. Now I've been in this job for four years, and I cannot get out from under this one guy Dort. If Dort were a casual aquaintance, I could just stop emailing him and avoid Anger Chick that way. The issue is that we work together.

My worst fear is that he'll be upset. So in a way, I'm as big a pu$$y as he is. I hate confrontation, hate being the unpopular one. (Which is ironic for all sorts of reasons...)

It's so weird. Everyone else we both know has cut off Anger Chick, and they did it a long time ago. I wonder if I have something invested in being the one person who hasn't completely iced her yet. Do I want people to see me as a saint? Maybe I want them to feel sorry for me.

What a dumb thing though. Why do I want people to feel sorry for me?

Anyway, I promised them I'd do one last lunch on Wednesday. I've resolved to end it after that, so I'm going to. I just feel kinda lousy about it. Anger Chick is a really sad person. She needs help, and I feel bad about abandoning her. It's tragic to me that she's always grasping at the coattails of people she hardly knows.

She has blamed me plenty for not being as responsive to her as she'd like. Dort told me she even blogged about it, complaining (without mentioning my name) that "Good friends are the ones who crawl through glass to keep an appointment with you."

But she's not even my friend, let alone a good friend!

[herbgeek]

I would suddenly have to do errands at lunch or be on a savings kick and bring my lunch, but I'm the kind of person who goes to work to work. Its not my job to save people from themselves. I don't do drama.

[saguaro]

Do that last lunch as you promised (not clear if that promise was to them or to yourself) but after that make sure you are no longer available. If you have to do errands, brown bag, or say you are having a busy day, take on a new project (if time allows) anything to stick to that boundary. You don't have to be confrontational about it. And if asked why you aren't doing this anymore, stick with whatever story / excuse you decide.

I made the mistake of getting too involved with troubled coworker / friend whom I felt sorry for. It was so not worth it. Too much drama. I never knew on a daily basis what drama awaited me whenever I walked in the door and my work suffered.

[KayLR]

It's hard for me to believe Dort would get upset enough at you to de-friend you. I'd just be brutally honest and tell him you won't be joining him for lunch with Anger Chick because she brings you down.

[kitten]

Good responses, guys. Thanks for the moral support!

[Spoony]

I would just say to look at all of the time you have spent, before, during, and after these lunches, by either dealing with or thinking about or, now, writing about, this situation.

The negative stress hormones cursing through your body because of this situation are causing long-term damage that you must stop and undo.

Refocus your energy on positive things, whether it be finding fun people to have lunch with or saving your money by skipping lunch, or whatever it is that makes you feel good and don't look back.

[Jilly]

I like all of the ideas, as I am in need of them myself. Well. Anyway, I am guessing that the pistol in your avatar is not available, huh? I mean, even a cartoon weapon could be helpful in the whole boundary thing, yes?

[redfox]

Kitten, you're a kind hearted woman, that's quite apparent. Here are some thoughts of mine... we all struggle with boundaries. It's a learned thing, and few of us learned it from those who could teach & model it; our family of origin. No one's bad, we all do the best we can. Life gives us plenty of opportunities to learn!

Give yourself credit for how much you're changed. You're no longer in a dangerous situation, just one that is a PITA. This is a GREAT opportunity to practice healthy, non-punitive, clear boundaries. I asked what your fears were, now, what are your desired outcomes? Get as clear as you can about them. You can make them happen.

You're worried about your work friend Dort, that he'll be upset with you. What if this were true? What's the worst part about that? You feeling responsible for his feelings? What if your boundary setting shows him how he can take care of himself? What if you telling the truth to him gently & kindly shows him that it's possible to set a firm limit and still be ok? What if he's feeling exactly like you are with Angry Chick? He is still a grown-up, and he is the one who's responsible for his feelings, not you. Trust him to rise to that truth. Treat him like an adult. Adults appreciate it!

AC is sad and needs help. You feel like you're abandoning her. I have some news: you're not that important. You're not her parent, her spouse, her therapist. She is a grown-up, however wounded and sad she is right now. It's essentially disrespectful to her as a human being to have a pity faux friendship going on. Would you want that for yourself? Would you want someone to be saying & feeling the things you're saying & feeling about her if your positions were reversed?

Telling the truth is never a bad thing. Telling the truth is never a bad thing. It's the manner in which you tell the truth that makes it a kind and respectful experience for all involved, or a mean and disrespectful one. The longest journey to being able to tell the truth, IMHO, is traversing the distance between your heart and your head. Once you get clear on what YOUR truth is; no one else's, yours, then practice articulating it AS your truth. When one speaks for oneself, no one can argue the logic.

You are no longer available to meet for lunch, whether you say this before or after the upcoming event; your choice here. You do not owe any explanation, to AC or to Dort. Because it's your truth, and it's no big deal. Make it no big deal. Relax into your truth. You get to set your limits and your boundaries with your precious life energy. You get to do it without excuses, lightly, simply. The truth is always the simplest. Dort may ask you why. If you wish, engage with him about it all. If not, simply say that this is your limit, and you would appreciate his respecting that. (Imagine him mulling this over and having an 'aha' moment!)

Congratulations on being ready for this moment. Because you absolutely know in your heart of hearts what you want, and what you will do.

[kitten]

Spoony - good point about my hormonal situation. Yeah, I feel really crappy physically right now, it's got to be related. I'll try to take better care of myself.

Jilly - yes, my art has always been the thing I pour everything into. Sometimes I can transmute pain and create something new with it. It's wonderful when that happens - but art is also a process, and it's work. It's more rewarding than my soul-sucking day job, for sure, but it takes effort. I'm trying to find a way to lose my current job and launch a freelance art career. I'm doing this in midlife! And I'm exhausted from the eight-hour circus every day, but I still have to drag myself to my studio and make something happen for a couple hours before bed. It's scary and often discouraging - and sometimes I'm in despair. At least I have a goal though. I need to refocus on what's important to me right now. Soon Dort and Co. will be in the past! (Here's hoping)

Redfox - thank you so much for your compassionate wisdom. You're right - if I treat these guys like adults, maybe they'll rise to the challenge. It didn't occur to me that I could teach Dort by example - by showing him it's possible to protect yourself when necessary - or that he might be looking to me for some guidance in this thing. Eye-opening! I really appreciate your thoughtful response here!

[leslieann]

+1 to redfox. right on target as usual. We get lost in our own illusions that we can save people from themselves. How godly of us to even think they need our salvation! People have the right to be as rageful and abandoned and as miserable as they want. And I have the right to have lunch by myself....and you do, too, kitten!

[kitten]

Tell it, sister! ;)


+1 to redfox. right on target as usual. We get lost in our own illusions that we can save people from themselves. How godly of us to even think they need our salvation! People have the right to be as rageful and abandoned and as miserable as they want. And I have the right to have lunch by myself....and you do, too, kitten!