Giving up the story

[rodeosweetheart]

Redfox said something really interesting in a recent post (don't recall where, sorry) about relating to people and giving up your story about them. I was struck by this and have been thinking about one of my sons in this way, the one I tend to worry about the most. She said to give up the story you have created in your mind, and then see what happens.

It is proving very interesting, and forgive me, Redfox, if I have gotten this wrong.

So I am thinking this might be a good spiritual practice for me for Advent, to ech day (?) try to mindfully do this with a different person or event from my life?

And Redfox, if you can explain any more on what you were saying, I would really appreciate it.

[Spartana]

I also think this is a greatr idea. We all sort of stereotype most people based on age, gender, race, looks, and so much more. Making assumptions about their lives, habits and personality to a large degree. When ex-DH and I lived in Anchorage, Alaska we had 2 elderly neighbors next door. I had sort of "pegged" them as being a certain way but once I took the time to find out about them - wow! Was my stereotype of "older" people changed. They climbed mountains (the hubby had even climbed Everest along with a host of other big peaks), the wife was a nurse who had spent most of her life being airlifted to very remote arctic settlements where she had to often parachute down in storms with medical supplies and stay for months at a time until a plane could land. All sorts of other things. Even in their 70's they were still extremely adventerous and athletic. I've experienced that "new view" about others often once I put aside my assumkptions about them and really talked to them and find that most people are nothing like they seem at first glance. So while I do still catch myself stereotyping (and of course others do it about me too) I am very aware of it and give myself a good knock up side the head to stop it.

[redfox]

Redfox said something really interesting in a recent post (don't recall where, sorry) about relating to people and giving up your story about them. I was struck by this and have been thinking about one of my sons in this way, the one I tend to worry about the most. She said to give up the story you have created in your mind, and then see what happens.

It is proving very interesting, and forgive me, Redfox, if I have gotten this wrong.

So I am thinking this might be a good spiritual practice for me for Advent, to each day (?) try to mindfully do this with a different person or event from my life?

And Redfox, if you can explain any more on what you were saying, I would really appreciate it.

Wow, rodeosweetheart! This is something that my sister has taught me. She's a long time - 30+ years - meditator. It's kept her sane, according to her. She & I both read the books that Pema Chödrön write, and this concept is a big part of her teachings. It's also core to the work of Byron Katie, who is a very interesting woman.

Here's how I approach this in my life... and believe you me, I struggle with it! Let me take the example of my stepkids' mom, who has been my self-described nemesis for many years. Here is the story I have told about her: when I think of Lynn (not her real name!), I get defensive, bristly, angry, unhinged. She is a terrible mother. She damaged the kids (now young adults). She is crazy. She is abusive. We had to repair the wounds they received because of her neglect... etc. I can cite so many circumstances that "back" this up.

Ok... really? She's all those things? Exclusively? Who do I serve when I tell this story? Who do I hurt? How does this make my life better? Who does she become if I simply drop my story line about her? Who do I become when I do this?

“If we begin to surrender to ourselves — begin to drop the story line and experience what all this messy stuff behind the story line feels like — we begin to find bodhichitta, the tenderness that’s underneath all the harshness. By being kind to ourselves, we become kind to others. By being kind to others — if it’s done properly, with proper understanding — we benefit as well.
“So the first point is that we are completely interrelated. What you do to others, you do to yourself. What you do to yourself, you do to others.” — Pema Chödrön, from her book Start Where You Are (http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-57062-839-9.cfm?utm_medium=email&utm_source=HA%201/25/12), via Heart Advice (http://www.shambhala.com/heartadvice/).

http://shambhalasun.com/sunspace/?p=24601

I highly recommend the book Start Where You Are, a Guide to Compassionate Living, and The Places That Scare You, by Pema.

[awakenedsoul]

I have a neighbor who always tries to bait me to talk about another woman across the street. I don't take the bait. I think she's heard one side of the story and now she wants to hear mine. I just don't want to waste energy on past conflicts.

It also helps to think about how you feel when people label you. It's really just their judgements. I always feel better if I'm doing something creative and focusing on a goal. Then the other piddly stuff doesn't matter.

[Xmac]

Wow, rodeosweetheart! This is something that my sister has taught me. She's a long time - 30+ years - meditator. It's kept her sane, according to her. She & I both read the books that Pema Chödrön write, and this concept is a big part of her teachings. It's also core to the work of Byron Katie, who is a very interesting woman.

Here's how I approach this in my life... and believe you me, I struggle with it! Let me take the example of my stepkids' mom, who has been my self-described nemesis for many years. Here is the story I have told about her: when I think of Lynn (not her real name!), I get defensive, bristly, angry, unhinged. She is a terrible mother. She damaged the kids (now young adults). She is crazy. She is abusive. We had to repair the wounds they received because of her neglect... etc. I can cite so many circumstances that "back" this up.

Ok... really? She's all those things? Exclusively? Who do I serve when I tell this story? Who do I hurt? How does this make my life better? Who does she become if I simply drop my story line about her? Who do I become when I do this?

“If we begin to surrender to ourselves — begin to drop the story line and experience what all this messy stuff behind the story line feels like — we begin to find bodhichitta, the tenderness that’s underneath all the harshness. By being kind to ourselves, we become kind to others. By being kind to others — if it’s done properly, with proper understanding — we benefit as well.
“So the first point is that we are completely interrelated. What you do to others, you do to yourself. What you do to yourself, you do to others.” — Pema Chödrön, from her book Start Where You Are (http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-57062-839-9.cfm?utm_medium=email&utm_source=HA%201/25/12), via Heart Advice (http://www.shambhala.com/heartadvice/).

http://shambhalasun.com/sunspace/?p=24601

I highly recommend the book Start Where You Are, a Guide to Compassionate Living, and The Places That Scare You, by Pema..
.
:+1:

[Wildflower]

Another poster here, Din, has always said your whole life is just a story you tell yourself. You create your own reality. Interesting concept... I think he got this from Eckhart Tolle. I could be wrong though. :)

[Zoebird]

I've been working on this with a lot of things in my life. Definitely not easy. :)

[redfox]

I've been working on this with a lot of things in my life. Definitely not easy. :)

As my sis would say, what would happen if you dropped that story line?

[Zoebird]

nothing, really.

i think that, for me, that's part of what moving was about. it's symbolic in a way. always a new start, and whatever was before no longer exists. it's not relevant. so, you're just you now, and going forward -- whatever that will be as well. possibility to re-create.

still, patterns are entrenched, and that's what takes time to untether.

[sweetana3]

When my mom died our whole family story about their perfect marriage and the lack of divorce in our family blew up. Mom was married 3 times and they had kept the secret for over 60 years. Made me question all the family stories. These other "stories" had kept our family apart all our lives.

[rodeosweetheart]

This is an awesomely rich process, Redfox. Thanks for adding these questions that I can add to the process:

"Ok... really? She's all those things? Exclusively? Who do I serve when I tell this story? Who do I hurt? How does this make my life better? Who does she become if I simply drop my story line about her? Who do I become when I do this"

I tend to be uberorganized and maybe I'll write these out and use a checklist--or maybe that's too structured, lol.

Sweetana and spartana, you have some examples of those old stories being incorrect--I used to think I was a good judge of people at first glance and boy, was I wrong. I realize I tend to be pretty defensive at first glance and I project a lot on people that is just out of my own defensive insecurity. Gulp.

Wilflower, this is also the basis of narrative therapy, which I have studied a bit, so I really like this from that approach, too.

Now I gotta actually start doing this. Maybe pick one person a week? Keep asking the questions, going through the process, seeing what I come up with.
Or maybe that's a bit much. Hmm.

[chord_ata]

Giving up the story does sound like a neat concept.

Figuring out how to give up the story without doing a willpower fight is not quite so obvious.

If you can't give up the story, just focus on being aware of the story. That might be all you need.

[iris lily]

...If you can't give up the story, just focus on being aware of the story. That might be all you need.
I like that and you are right that it may be all you need.

[Spartana]

If you can't give up the story, just focus on being aware of the story. That might be all you need.

That's what I work on. Not always very successfully, but at least I am aware that my perceptions of what I think someone's "story" is are usually completely wrong. I don't like how other people automaticly assume "my" story is such and such when they are probablt very wrong, so try hard not to assume the same about others. As far as changing or doing away with my own story about myself, I'm pretty successful at that for the most part.

[Xmac]

My story is fine until I think it has meaning or that it is true. If that causes me stress I question those stories, beliefs, concepts and assumptions and they lose their hold on me.

[Chickpea]

Wow, rodeosweetheart! This is something that my sister has taught me. She's a long time - 30+ years - meditator. It's kept her sane, according to her. She & I both read the books that Pema Chödrön write, and this concept is a big part of her teachings. It's also core to the work of Byron Katie, who is a very interesting woman.


I love the 'Roger' audio with Byron Katie. It always makes me lol, i love the womans laugh in it :laff: Here it is for anyone who isnt familiar:


http://youtu.be/m3Cv0VgslzA


'Roger is spoiled, selfish, uncommited, lying, spineless, wimpy guy with no balls...and i want him to be monogomous btw' xD

[Xmac]

Byron Katie's Work is a type of Yang Yoga, using the intellect to attain enlightenment. The Socratic method, Buddhist inquiry, and cognitive psychology have a lot of similarities. The question is a powerful tool (to be asking is to be as-king). What's great about the Work is that one doesn't need to try to drop a story (which only works temporarily anyway), the story drops you i.e. it loses it grip on you. BUT, if one is strongly attached to a story, which has a lot of identity invested in it, the Work won't "work" which is why it's not for everyone. It takes an open mind and a complete love of truth...one's own truth.

[Chickpea]

^ Yes, i like the idea that the story drops you, and its true! you cant force yourself to drop it. I have a few things im working on and i think gradually my stories are starting to loosen. I think studies in brain plasticity indicate it take 2 months to change your brain by redirecting your thoughts...or is it 4 months...anyway, i think the key is to be consistant with your challanging of the thoughts/stories (which has been my downfall previously).

[leslieann]

Chickpea, the video (audio?) was wonderful. The laughing at the end was such a release....thanks very much. I don't usually find the patience for these things online but I am glad that I stuck it out.

[Xmac]

This one is not just funny it's hysterical:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBbkbjIsoBw

[redfox]

Wow, just listened to both the audio files here. What an awesome reminder! I've been looking for a therapist, and of course the "perfect" one has never gotten back to me after I interviewed her. I think I would be well served to go back to this work. My bellyaching has been getting to me lately... thanks for the reminder to drop the story!

[Xmac]

Redfox, I've been doing the Work for years and I immediately saw a truth in what you posted:
If you've been away from this Work for a while and you're tired of your belly aching your right, the perfect therapist hasn't gotten back to you and that therapist is you. You're it.