Zoe Girl
11-16-12, 9:42pm
This is kinda about work and kinda about relationships, but bottom line about realizing what painful thing I am avoiding terribly.
Currently I am really struggling to be on time with all my work deadlines. I am also struggling with paying 100% of the bills on time. There are practical reasons such as 4 different confusing payroll date and a time clock that does not work and no support to get it to work, on the bills I am looking at 7 days late on several hundred due to me and double that late by at least 2 weeks. It seems however I have a mental glitch and I have seen a counselor for a year to deal with just this, but am taking a break since I felt better. Still I split my thinking between saying I have a problem and thinking the problem is that I am not superhuman.
Past life, I recall trying so hard to get things done, keep priorities and just do a good job. My mom's opinion of my house seems reasonably important in my life. One visit many years ago I worked really hard to get everything clean so when she came we could just do some relaxing things. She pulled me aside privately and told me she and my dad were ashamed of me because of the stains in my carpet from my little kids and juice. I went on an excuse for an errand and called a friend and was hysterical basically. She has been milder since then but she is not happy until she finds something to fix or tell me off about.
So here is the deal, I can handle being late on things. I can handle being in a staff meeting and knowing they are talking about me when we discuss something being late. I know at some point I need to get it all done, there are reasons, and I didn't. I almost can even handle the comment that we are 'exempt' so we don't get to stop at 40 hours from a single person with no kids (we went from hourly to exempt with no pay increase as well). But what throws me over the edge is hearing 'what can we improve' when I actually get it all done. So I think I am not getting everything done semi-consciously because I am not tearing up at work this year and I would lose it to hear that 'how can we improve' if I just put in loads of extra hours and hit every deadline.
Okay now to figure out a meditation to just let this be, I accept it but protecting myself against inevitable hurt is difficult.
Currently I am really struggling to be on time with all my work deadlines. I am also struggling with paying 100% of the bills on time. There are practical reasons such as 4 different confusing payroll date and a time clock that does not work and no support to get it to work, on the bills I am looking at 7 days late on several hundred due to me and double that late by at least 2 weeks. It seems however I have a mental glitch and I have seen a counselor for a year to deal with just this, but am taking a break since I felt better. Still I split my thinking between saying I have a problem and thinking the problem is that I am not superhuman.
Past life, I recall trying so hard to get things done, keep priorities and just do a good job. My mom's opinion of my house seems reasonably important in my life. One visit many years ago I worked really hard to get everything clean so when she came we could just do some relaxing things. She pulled me aside privately and told me she and my dad were ashamed of me because of the stains in my carpet from my little kids and juice. I went on an excuse for an errand and called a friend and was hysterical basically. She has been milder since then but she is not happy until she finds something to fix or tell me off about.
So here is the deal, I can handle being late on things. I can handle being in a staff meeting and knowing they are talking about me when we discuss something being late. I know at some point I need to get it all done, there are reasons, and I didn't. I almost can even handle the comment that we are 'exempt' so we don't get to stop at 40 hours from a single person with no kids (we went from hourly to exempt with no pay increase as well). But what throws me over the edge is hearing 'what can we improve' when I actually get it all done. So I think I am not getting everything done semi-consciously because I am not tearing up at work this year and I would lose it to hear that 'how can we improve' if I just put in loads of extra hours and hit every deadline.
Okay now to figure out a meditation to just let this be, I accept it but protecting myself against inevitable hurt is difficult.