It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...

[frugalone]

My annual meltdown.
As Andy Capp would say, "hoo boy." I don't even know where to start.
I think I have tried everything to make the holiday season work for me and my partner. When I was a kid, I loved Christmas. Seems like when I met my SO, things started to change. He doesn't like the holidays. He hates winter, resents being told he has to be "a certain way" at this time of year, etc. etc. Together, on and off for almost 30 years, we have managed to sabotage almost every Christmas. (And I am usually a wreck before ANY holiday, or family birthday where I have to interact w/my family. Lotta baggage there). We have a fight just about every Xmas Eve. We've had Xmases where we weren't speaking, one of us stormed out of the house, etc. To add to that, we've had a bizarre set of coincidences of rotten things happening around this time of year (our dog died on New Year's, my dad was diagnosed w/terminal illness, etc.)

When I say I've tried everything, I mean it. Last year we decided to have our own holiday at home, just the two of us. I was out of work for 3 years and decided I could not take part in the family's annual name swap exchange thing. My brother insisted on going ahead w/it (and so did everyone else) w/o one bit of consideration for our situation. We were flat broke. I mean BROKE. I thought staying home would take away from some of the stress of having to cook, bring food to a relative's house, etc. No siree...Not only did not ONE person in our family call on Dec. 25 to say "Merry Christmas," but SO and I got in a fight anyway. Despite knowing for months that our water heater was leaking, he put off calling the landlord about a replacement until it finally died two days before Xmas. No hot water in December! Great! He offered to install it (because he's always afraid the landlord will raise our rent if he doesn't do all the work here) and spent the majority of Xmas Eve into the wee hours of Dec. 25 installing it. Wonderful. We ended up fighting anyway...sans the "pressure" of a "family gathering." It's like we're cursed or something.

This year, I thought I'd give it the old college try again. Try to give smaller gifts to my siblings instead of exchanging names, keep it simple. Now my brother, who is going through an ugly separation, begs poverty (partly because he has a $440 yes you read that correctly truck loan) and a $1400 mortgage. Boo hoo, my heart's bleeding for him. His wife threw him out because he was cheating. Some of you might recall I'm carrying his secrets for him and still have not told my mother. While in the meantime he continues to live w/my mom, beg poverty and mooch off her. My brother sends out this big email about how "he should have been consulted" about the gift exchange. Yeah, like he consulted me last year when I was unemployed and drawing money from my IRA just to pay my rent? And I have a 12 year old car, a rental house that is falling apart, etc.?

To cap it off, SO and I had a fight about getting a Christmas tree yesterday. And he told me I was already sabotaging the holidays and maybe we better just not acknowledge them at all.

Yes, I realize I am boiling over with anger. I cannot BELIEVE how much anger is inside me. And I know I am rambling so I hope I didn't lose you here.

What can I do? I tried going along w/family, doing w/o them...What am I supposed to do? Turn into a groundhog and wake up on Feb. 2?

BTW, The funny thing is, there are things I LOVE about the holidays: The Nutcracker, Christmas music, decorations. I don't like the commercialism, or shopping, or the stress.

I'm beginning to wonder if I need a therapist to help me get through the holidays.

Anyone? What is your take on this?

[Florence]

Let go of both your anger and your expectations. Watch the Nutcracker and listen to nice peaceful Christmas music. Decorate as much or as little as you have energy for; when the decorating begins to sap your energy, take one thing away and stop. Buy or make a gift for the ones you love; set a limit of no more than $4.00 or $2.00 for each gift. And do not expect anything back from any one, you are giving a gift because you love them. IMHO.

[peggy]

Can you spend it away from your SO? If it doesn't really mean anything to him anyway, maybe you could just find a quiet corner, or friendly family to spend it with. A cousin or single family friend maybe.

[flowerseverywhere]

I used to hate the holidays, flashbacks to angry drunken violent fights in my childhood house.

Now I do what I want. Make a few gifts, make some foods I like. One year I volunteered at the salvation army homeless shelter. I only give a few gifts, check out some of the links Tussiemussies and I posted for some fun creative gifts. Maybe a small artificial tree you can put up yourself, whatever cookie you like to bake while listening to music you like.

I have found a bunch of free fun things to do. A tree lighting, although I don't attend church I love to visit the living manger. I go to the stores to look at the decorations but don't shop. I do it alone if no-one wants to go. I do try to do a secret nice thing for someone every few days. It makes the holiday fun, not a chore. I am beginning to like Christmas again!

good luck to you. Remember life is not like a Norman Rockwell painting.

[nswef]

Frugalone, You are not alone. Therapy helps. If you cannot afford it I second the suggestions of spending a lot of time alone, listen to what you need to hear, do one thing you love, do something nice for someone else ( not necessarily the family ;-) ) and remember that it will pass. Give your SO a big hug and after the holidays maybe sit down and figure out what would make each of you happy. I truly recommend staying far away from your family this year. Good luck and hugs to you.

[frugalone]

I will check out your links. I do like to make crafty things and am planning to do a December scrapbook album. Free things are fun. A local church used to host a noontime Advent ceremony-I should see if they still do it.

thank you--I need to keep trying to MAKE my life like a Rockwell painting. I do love his work, though!


I used to hate the holidays, flashbacks to angry drunken violent fights in my childhood house.

Now I do what I want. Make a few gifts, make some foods I like. One year I volunteered at the salvation army homeless shelter. I only give a few gifts, check out some of the links Tussiemussies and I posted for some fun creative gifts. Maybe a small artificial tree you can put up yourself, whatever cookie you like to bake while listening to music you like.

I have found a bunch of free fun things to do. A tree lighting, although I don't attend church I love to visit the living manger. I go to the stores to look at the decorations but don't shop. I do it alone if no-one wants to go. I do try to do a secret nice thing for someone every few days. It makes the holiday fun, not a chore. I am beginning to like Christmas again!

good luck to you. Remember life is not like a Norman Rockwell painting.

[frugalone]

You might be right. I was afraid to stay away because superstitiously, last year I stayed away things weren't any better. This year they seem worse so maybe that's a red flag.



Frugalone, You are not alone. Therapy helps. If you cannot afford it I second the suggestions of spending a lot of time alone, listen to what you need to hear, do one thing you love, do something nice for someone else ( not necessarily the family ;-) ) and remember that it will pass. Give your SO a big hug and after the holidays maybe sit down and figure out what would make each of you happy. I truly recommend staying far away from your family this year. Good luck and hugs to you.

[JaneV2.0]

Herein lines the crux of the problem:

"When I was a kid, I loved Christmas. Seems like when I met my SO, things started to change. He doesn't like the holidays. He hates winter, resents being told he has to be "a certain way" at this time of year, etc. etc. Together, on and off for almost 30 years, we have managed to sabotage almost every Christmas."

[frugalone]

JaneV2.0--we've never been able to figure out WHY we were sabotaging it. He suggested maybe we stop trying for the WHY and try for just not celebrating. Sounds a bit like "all or nothing" to me.

Not sure what you are saying/suggesting.

[SteveinMN]

JaneV2.0--we've never been able to figure out WHY we were sabotaging it. He suggested maybe we stop trying for the WHY and try for just not celebrating. Sounds a bit like "all or nothing" to me.

Not sure what you are saying/suggesting.
frugalone, you used to love Christmas. You still enjoy aspects of it -- certainly enough of the aspects to indicate you still enjoy the holiday. Jane was pointing out that the "change" in this is the introduction in your life of your SO, who does not like the holiday and believes a "compromise" to the impasse between you is to not observe it.

Maybe you two need to agree to disagree. You certainly can do the things you enjoy about Christmas without including your SO. He does not need to help you bake Christmas cookies or listen to Christmas music or make interesting-but-inexpensive gifts for people you care about. In fact, he may very well be relieved to not have to participate. So why not approach the holidays by doing what you want (within the limits of your family and financial situations) and the hang with the expectations? And if you can relieve your SO of the responsibility of helping make your holiday bright, you can do the same with your family.

The holidays (Christmas, Hanukkah, whatever) are a huge stresser because of the expectations people and history and the media generate. Let them be. The first Christmas was incredibly simple. The Three Wise Men were not delayed by stopping at the big-box store for a killer deal on frankincense, and I have never read in any version of the Bible that they wracked their brains thinking of gifts they could give Mary and Joseph. If it feels better to decide (for yourself) to volunteer somewhere on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve (or both!), do it.

I realize it may take a lot to ignore the conventions of one's family. But you've tried variations of the same thing for years and nothing has changed. Why not try something truly different as long as it makes you happy?

[razz]

Some people associate the holidays with pressure or letdowns or disappointments etc. DH is one of those to some extent as well.

Let it all go.

You live today and this moment and focus on that. What do you want to do? Go and do it. I felt powerless when I let DH's negative prespective of Christmas take over my holiday spirit.

I choose what I treasure and want to enjoy. One year, I made placemats for everyone out of the most beautiful fabric and really enjoyed doing it and decorating with them. I give DH the gift of the freedom to be however up or down he feels and tell him that. I walk away to be equally free to choose however I want to be. I decorate and plan a meal that I enjoy and enjoy preparing, sometimes simple and sometimes more.

May I suggest that you give the ultimate gift to your SO and to yourself, the freedom to do you own thing without any concern or involvement from the other. If you want to visit family and friends, do so freely and leave SO to do whatever SO wants. The stress of feeling trapped is very demoralizing. You cannot live someone else's life and you should not give anyone the power to diminish yours. I had to learn to do that and it was very hard at first but I started to detach and the stress level went way down.

[sweetana3]

Razz, that is so very true. I saw both my inlaws and my parents live so closely together that they had no friends or opinions outside of their own unit. Dad on each side appeared to almost controlled the thoughts and the actions of the wife. Since Dad died, Mom has seemingly developed a whole new attitude about life and is so much more positive. Did not think it was possible.

For us it is critical that we have outside activities and take time doing things with others and not always together.

[iris lily]

JaneV2.0--we've never been able to figure out WHY we were sabotaging it. He suggested maybe we stop trying for the WHY and try for just not celebrating. Sounds a bit like "all or nothing" to me.

Not sure what you are saying/suggesting.

You can blame that one on your DH if you like, I won't stop you. But I don't buy it. The reality is that MANY adults experience a letdown of Xmas because it doesn't match their childhood experience. That's normal, and I suspect that your DH is just part of your holiday angst. I will spend the Holidays with your SO, send him here. I despise being told that I must feel a certain way and act a certain way. I choose what I want to do and push back the rest.

I think you are wrong to let this opportunity go by to change your annual pilgrimage to family h*ll. For heaven's sake, you broke the cycle last year, why are you rushing toward re-establishing it? Step outside of your box, try a thing or two for the holidays or The Holiday that doesn't require the cooperation of other people. Something that you would find fun. Quietly fun. Remember, you are not going to have the high excitement of a kiddie holiday* And for heaven's sake, stay OUT of the gift exchange, you got out last year, no need to start that up again.

You cannot control whether others exchange gifts and why would you want to? That part of your lament seemed as though you are clueless. Tough love here, babe.

I've been on this boards for years and see the complaints from many people again and again. You (the generic you) have control over your life, use that control. And frankly, if your (OP) mother is still sound mentally and physically, you have some freedom now that you may not have in subsequent years when you will be wondering "is this the last Christmas with mom?" when that thought may force your actions in a specific direction.

*unless you have a house full of kids, and then there IS that Christmas craziness with them, and that can be fun. When I married DH he had a bunch of young and nephews, and 3 of them were aged 3. After several years of adult Christmases, I enjoyed those first couple of Christmas celebrations with these little kids, and that's when I learned that having little kids around at Christmas pumps high excitement back into it.

You said that you enjoy The Nutcraker and decorations. Why don't you focus on these things? Either see a live performance or rent the video. Take an evening to drive around, cookies and cocoa in the car, and look at decorations. Forget about the rest of it. That's what I do.

[iris lily]

...thank you--I need to keep trying to MAKE my life like a Rockwell painting. I do love his work, though!

You didn't really mean this, right? Did you mean "I need to keep trying NOT to make my life like a Rockwell painting" ? Interesting slip.

[awakenedsoul]

I spent Thanksgiving away from my family. Lots of alcoholism and dysfunction there. I made a simple version of the dinner, enjoyed it at noon, and again at 4:30. I had fun knitting a Christmas tree decoration, and then took a bath and did some yoga. It was really enjoyable. Had I gone home, I would have driven 8 hours each way, done all of the cooking for 8 people by myself, and probably resented it. So, I don't do that anymore. My parents love seeing their grandsons and so it's worth it to them. If a releationship is bad, it gets worse at Christmas. Much worse.

I'm exchanging homemade Christmas decorations with a couple of women on another forum I enjoy. They both live in the Netherlands. I'm excited to knit them a little Christmas something, write a Christmas card adn letter, and send it off. I'd be happy to do the same with you, if you're interested.

When you don't have your own family, Christmas can be difficult. It's important not to compare or to feel down on yourself for being single or alone. Because I chose a career as a dancer, I traveled for 15 years. I didn't get married and have kids. So, now I better make my holidays enjoyable, or I'll get depressed. Sometimes I drive up to Carpinteria, walk the dogs along the beach, and check out the antique stores. This year I'm meeting my parents in Carmel. They will spend the whole time drinking heavily, but I'll visit the fairytale cottages, watch t.v., (I don't have t.v. so it's a treat for me,) walk on the beach, and bring my knitting. I stay in a separate B&B from them that's just a block away. Nobody has to cook for a huge group, and I can hang out with them in small doses.

[JaneV2.0]

Pretty much what SteveinMN (and others) have said: make your own merry Christmas. After thirty years, Billy Buzzkill isn't going to turn into a right jolly old elf, so accept it and make the best holiday you can for yourself--even if, as Peggy suggests, you celebrate it entirely on your own.

[redfox]

My dear, I am so sorry this is hard. Here are my thoughts:
What you want is completely reasonable. What your partner wants is also completely reasonable. No one is wrong here!

Here are my suggetions, as others have also said...
Get clear on what you want to do
Get clear how you want to do these... then... go for it.
You love certain activities... Do them! Go to the Nutcracker.

Also, get clear on the participation you prefer, and ask whomever it is - aka your partner - for participation. Then, drop it. Drop judgement, drop expectation, drop anything having to do with what others do or feel or think or believe. This means your brother, your parter, your Mom, etc. And, drop the resentment from prior years. DO NOT bring this forward! It sets you up for failure.

I would also suggest that you consider asking your partner to share in one simple activity withyou, like making holiday cookies. Just one. And if he says no, give him a kiss, tell him you love him, and go make cookies.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

My dear, I am so sorry this is hard. Here are my thoughts:
What you want is completely reasonable. What your partner wants is also completely reasonable. No one is wrong here!

Here are my suggetions, as others have also said...
Get clear on what you want to do
Get clear how you want to do these... then... go for it.
You love certain activities... Do them! Go to the Nutcracker.

Also, get clear on the participation you prefer, and ask whomever it is - aka your partner - for participation. Then, drop it. Drop judgement, drop expectation, drop anything having to do with what others do or feel or think or believe. This means your brother, your parter, your Mom, etc. And, drop the resentment from prior years. DO NOT bring this forward! It sets you up for failure.

I would also suggest that you consider asking your partner to share in one simple activity withyou, like making holiday cookies. Just one. And if he says no, give him a kiss, tell him you love him, and go make cookies.
Good advise Redfox, as others here have also given. Being a person that is very comfortable doing things alone I don't see the big deal. Well, I do see it because you wanted his participation, but letting go of that and enjoying on your own, (or with a like minded friend), will still be enjoyable for you. As Redfox said, ask once, if he says no you have the choice to not get angry and spoil things for yourself. Just say something like "ok, just thought I would ask. I'm going to see The Nutcracker or whatever, and will be back later." It can be done. There are things DH and I enjoy together, there are things we don't, and I if it is something I want to do then I make plans to go anyway and he is happy with this. Of course, family wise I am "alone" mostly, no children, no sisters/brothers/ therefore no nieces/nephews, parents have passed, so unless a good friend wants to share in an activity I just go it alone and mostly enjoy that. Hope all is well for you as you begin this phase and the holidays will be better than in the past.

[AmeliaJane]

Others have given you great advice on the holidays. I can also testify that it is very possible to make your own happy holiday season when no one else is around--for many years I lived far from family--the first few I had a job where it was very difficult to get time off at Christmas to travel. One of my favorite memories is the time I stayed home on Thanksgiving, made chicken enchiladas, and stayed in my pajamas all day watching movies!

The only suggestion I have to add is the gifts... I have been reading about the idea of monthly subscription boxes, where a service will pick out items on a theme (food, crafts, jewelry, crafter-made items) and send you a box. You can either subscribe like a magazine (with a shipment every month) or do a gift subscription (which you can do for yourself) for any number of months, including just one. I seem to remember that your financial situation is challenging, but the individual boxes are not too expensive. Just FYI if having a surprise to unwrap is part of what you're missing about the holiday.

Geekmom (which is a really cool blog, actually) just did some reviews of popular services but there are a ton of them out there. http://www.wired.com/geekmom/tag/subscription-boxes/

[Rosemary]

You enjoyed the holiday traditions that your family had when you were a child. Which ones can you peacefully bring back into your life? You don't have to observe those traditions on the actual holiday-day if it causes conflict. It's just a date on the calendar.

What do you and your SO enjoy doing together, that you don't do often during the year? Perhaps that would be a fun way to spend the holiday. When I lived in AZ, I really missed the wintry appearance of the winter holidays - it never felt like Christmas to me. So my holiday tradition there because Christmas and New Year's Day hikes in the sunshine rather than hot chocolate or gluehwein and Christmas baking.

[KayLR]

Lots of good advice here, frugalone. I especially like Redfox's. Just want to share what I learned the past 5-6 years too. Most of my siblings have zero to do with me all year long---I finally decided there was no reason to be all Norman Rockwell with them on Christmas. It just finally made no sense to me. I sent a card with my well-wishes and a thank you card if they send a gift (which I cannot afford to reciprocate). The expectations have really lowered since stopping trying to "be all" to everybody. I concentrate on the happiness of my grandchildren and the rest of us adults can find their own happy Christmas spirit.

I'm really sorry you and your SO have such a tough time during the holidays. Here's a (((cyber-hug))) from me.

[ToomuchStuff]

I sound like your husband. I can't stand this time of year, between the repeated drone of Christmas music (John Lennon's So this is Christmas is the only song I like to hear this time of year), the people forcidly being nice to one another (while sniping at one another out shopping), the arguments in my family (what do you want for Christmas? and they don't like "It to be over" or "just money is fine"), etc.

Spent a couple in the hospital watching one die and one we weren't sure of. Have family fights every year. Had one year where there was a blowout, because I was not going to buy the adults gifts, just the kids (trying to keep from losing everything, involved in a lawsuit with a couple of deep pockets and fearing becoming homeless), etc. (redacted) Christmas. Christmas, is just a meal.
I would have sent off a note to my brother, about "you weren't consulted the same as I wasn't", out of anger (which arises easily this time of year, when your forced to be around this (redacted). Does't help that they start it earlier (stuff started coming out in at least early October)

There are those I know who celebrate a different time of year. This could be due to several reasons (military, can't get together/vacations, etc), but that can certainly diminish the stress (not exposed to the music, fake attitudes, etc). There are groups that do Christmas stuff in different times of year (work on old houses for the elderly, etc). There are also those who go out and do the Secret Santa thing or Pay it Forward, etc (different names, same basic premise). That, you might be able to get your husband to go along with you and do, simply out of the safety factor. Just don't force him, or others to live by your expectations, it just fosters resentment.

[iris lily]

Others have given you great advice on the holidays. I can also testify that it is very possible to make your own happy holiday season when no one else is around--for many years I lived far from family--the first few I had a job where it was very difficult to get time off at Christmas to travel. One of my favorite memories is the time I stayed home on Thanksgiving, made chicken enchiladas, and stayed in my pajamas all day watching movies!...
[/URL]

I've told this tale many times here, but one of my most memorable Christmas holidays of my recent adult years was the time DH went out of state to be with his family and I stayed home. One long weekend I cleaned the living room from top to bottom (it was dirty!) and watched entire seasons of Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm
while doing it. It was great fun!

[frugal-one]

I don't like Christmas either. Thanksgiving sucked this year too. Every year I told my DH how happy I was not to have to do "Thanksgiving". We stayed home, ate a meal together, and went our own ways. He loves football... I don't. I read, watched a movie, did what I wanted. Heavenly!!! This year his *itch of a mother is in assisted living/nursing home (had to move to our area) and insists on coming for Thanksgiving. Son decides he is coming too. Guess who gets to do all the work? My own fault... spent 1 1/2 days in the kitchen preparing food. Did that to myself... won't happen again.

Now Christmas is my LEAST favorite and, again, it falls to me. I have decided to make lasagna a few weeks before and freeze it. I have a gift for the *itch and cash for the son. I am not making cookies or decorating. I don't care about those things. I told DH if he wanted more to do it himself. A grinch... you bet!

[sweetana3]

No one has to enter your home unless invited. I consider it my castle and hate having to clean it up for others. (it is pretty messy most of the time but I love it.). I am not decorating for Xmas even though I have a pile of ornaments and such just because. We will be going to Mom's apartment and having our Xmas there and leaving for home when we are tired or just "want to". Suggest same for you.

I am sure the home she is living in has some kind of celebration although it may or may not be on Xmas. Consider going then and letting that be the celebration you share with her. The office can tell you what the schedule is and what activities consist of. If your husband wants more, suggest he take her out, or go visit, or do the work and take her home when requested. However, I really suggest activities that do not involve coming to your home. Keep it your sanctuary. Go to a restaurant if necessary.

My favorite time is NYEve. Hubby makes me Long Island Ice Tea and clam dip. (long story to this one.) We go to bed before midnight feeling very happy.

It always seems that the holidays are set up to give more work to women. Let the guys do more of the work/planning especially if their relatives are involved. Maybe that is why we are doing less and less?

[JaneV2.0]

I have always enjoyed Christmas. I love the sheer excess of it--shopping, lights, tinsel, ornaments, and especially fruitcake. Too much of everything, just the way I like it. The trick lies in spending the holiday in your own way, and not being a slave to the season.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I sound like your husband. I can't stand this time of year, between the repeated drone of Christmas music (John Lennon's So this is Christmas is the only song I like to hear this time of year)

+1


the people forcidly being nice to one another (while sniping at one another out shopping)

I don't mind that, I actually like it. I just wonder, ok where was your niceness the rest of the year, huh?

Too many memories of the holidays growing up were fighting, fighting about money, fighting about religion, noone ever asking anyone what they actually wanted, everyone always unhappy with thier gifts, etc..


There are those I know who celebrate a different time of year. This could be due to several reasons (military, can't get together/vacations, etc), but that can certainly diminish the stress (not exposed to the music, fake attitudes, etc).

oh I think that's a great idea, especially if you are flying all over the place to see relatives and so on. The airfare will be cheaper and the crowds less in maybe March say .... plus no christmas music, what a deal!

[catherine]

I have always enjoyed Christmas. I love the sheer excess of it--shopping, lights, tinsel, ornaments, and especially fruitcake. Too much of everything, just the way I like it. The trick lies in spending the holiday in your own way, and not being a slave to the season.

I agree. I'm a big fan of Christmas chaos, as long as it's on my terms. The only year I did not have a good time at Christmas it wasn't Christmas's fault. It just turned out to be the wrong kind of crazy. But usually I just love the chance to be with the family, drop out of my little work/home life for a few days, and enjoy the schmaltz and the tradition.

[peggy]

I have always enjoyed Christmas. I love the sheer excess of it--shopping, lights, tinsel, ornaments, and especially fruitcake. Too much of everything, just the way I like it. The trick lies in spending the holiday in your own way, and not being a slave to the season.

And the very best fruitcake, in the entire world i think, is from the Collins Street bakery in Texas. Hands down.
http://www.collinstreet.com/

[awakenedsoul]

Yesterday I put up some Christmas decorations. I have a wreath on the door, some icicle lights on my cottage, and a few cute little doggie type decorations that my mom gave me. The house looks really festive, but not overdone. Tomorrow I will buy a couple strands of lights and put them on the live Christmas trees I planted in the front garden. They are as tall as the roof now! It really lifted my spirits. I was procrastinating doing it, and realized that was because my mom always made way too much work for herself at Christmas. It took her days to decorate. She was a perfectionist. Simpler is less pressure and more fun. I actually really enjoy Christmas carols. I'm going to buy a used radio at the Salvation Army so that I can listen to them.
I started getting stressed out knitting my Santa dishcloth. The reason was, I was comparing myself to the professional who designed the pattern. She can make a dishcloth in an evening. This one is over 70 rows, with 47 stitches across. It will take me a few more days, at least. I've got to just be okay with that, instead of feeling like I suck. I just started knitting. I will be a beginner for a while...

[frugalone]

Ah...the old slip of the lip. Yes, what you said is what I meant to say!


You didn't really mean this, right? Did you mean "I need to keep trying NOT to make my life like a Rockwell painting" ? Interesting slip.

[frugalone]

First I want to say: you guys rock!

There's a lot to think about here. Some very good points, things I hadn't even thought about myself. Like, yeah, why AM I trying to get back into the gift exchange again now that I got out of it last year? I would like to get my mom something b/c she's very good to me, and I would like to get something for my nieces and nephews. Still not sure about actually getting together for dinner. It gets awfully stressful b/c we have to make our own food (dietary preferences/restrictions) and usually are asked to contribute dessert.

KayLRZ pointed out that her siblings didn't have much to do with her during the year. I don't see my siblings very often. My brother was living far away prior to his separation, and my sister is really busy with her job, family etc. I wish I were closer to their offspring but I'm just not. Maybe I need to look at the reality of what these relationships are, and go from there. And do what redfox said: Get clear on what I want.

SO has come around a bit and actually helped me choose a small tree for our home. I guess he's not as Scroogey as I thought! tee hee

Here is what we did for Thanksgiving. SO needed a minor surgical procedure done the day before T-giving. We thought it would be best to prepare for the worst (i.e. that he would not be feeling up to eating, visiting, etc.) so we begged off. I was relieved as I really don't want to see my brother right now, and there are those other stresses like food. So we bought a small vegetarian meal (a Tofurky type thing) and made it for just the two of us and laid low all weekend. And you know what? It felt better than flipping out over trying to make pumpkin pies, a veg entree, driving to pick up stuff from a bakery, etc. etc.

Maybe a lesson learned here...

P.S. I really like New Year's a lot. 'Cause it's just the two of us, a lot of fun food, a movie or two and hope for a happy new season!

Thank you all for listening to me, for offering advice and just for showing me that there can be alternatives. :thankyou:

[SteveinMN]

frugalone, for what it's worth, the part about wanting to give gifts to specific people out of love (not duty) makes perfect sense to me. In our family, it is not unusual for someone to be given a gift by a family member out of the blue; no occasion necessary (certainly not one as fraught with emotion as Christmas). It's kind of a crime of opportunity -- the desire to thank or express appreciation, the appearance of an appropriate gift, and the ability to procure it. It does not engender a dollar-specific reciprocity. It's just a sweet thing we do on occasion. That might be a way for you to give the gifts you want without having to involve yourself in the whole Christmas thing.

Courtesy of blown travel plans, we were home for Thanksgiving this year without plans. No hosting, no cooking for a pot-luck Thanksgiving, ... We bought takeout turkey dinners, enjoyed the quiet and some good music on the stereo, and enjoyed the opportunity to express our thanks and reflect on all we have. I could easily see that becoming a Thanksgiving tradition some years.