friendship

[margene]

I'm really upset about a friends anger towards me. I told her she should stop reliving a particular bad situation in her head. Now shes sending me messages on facebook about how I attacked her and told her to just get over it. I been hearing this story for six years. Now I'm thinking maybe I haven't really listened or acknowledged her feelings. I have apologized three times. I said i'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I realize I wasn't being understanding. I was wrong. But she just keeps coming back at me with anger.

[iris lily]

It sounds as though you have sincerely apologized. There is nothing more you can do.

Perhaps it's time to drop this friendship if there's a bump that neither of you can navigate.

[shadowmoss]

She needed a more current face to put on the situation so she could relive it in the present tense. You provided it. Her baggage.

[Simplemind]

I think shadowmoss nailed it. You friend is getting a payoff for circling the drain with that event. She isn't ready to move past it because she doesn't know who she would be or what she would do without it.

[bunnys]

Don't apologize for hurting someone's feelings. Apologize for something you did. Make it concrete. If you say "I'm sorry you feel that way" it sounds like you're saying "I'm sorry you're so irrational you took what I said the wrong way." Your post sounds a little bit like you put it this way. If you didn't I'm just reading it wrong.

You say you've apologized 3x and you're really upset about her anger. What's with apologizing 3x? Are you angry that she won't accept your apology and that's why you keep apologizing--with the hope wearing her down? Or are you really sorry for what you did? If it's the later, let it go already. You apologized already.

Regardless, the time has come for you to walk away and let this situation cool off for awhile. She'll approach you when she's ready.

[creaker]

Sounds like you did fine. And it sounds like this is another situation she can't get over. I've known people who store up these kind of memories and put them on over and over again like old clothes.

[puglogic]

Last year I had to let a similar friend go. I ended by saying, "I have already apologized more than once about that, and I've already explained how bad I feel about what happened. If I could go back in time, I would undo what I did - but I can't. It seems like no matter what I do or say, you will not let this go, and so maybe it's time for us to stop talking with each other."

I haven't thought about it since -- it was freeing.

We all do the best we can with the light we have to see by at the time. I have already punished the Previous Me for not being perfect once; I don't need friends that make me keep doing it over and over, like some bizarre version of Groundhog Day.

[puglogic]

She isn't ready to move past it because she doesn't know who she would be or what she would do without it.

This is brilliant, simplemind, very Byron Katie-ish.

[JaneV2.0]

Assuming you were being honest, and not unkind, I don't understand what you are apologizing for--once, let alone three times. I'd let the relationship die a natural death, personally.

[iris lily]

Don't apologize for hurting someone's feelings. Apologize for something you did...

I don't agree with that advice in the general although I understand what you mean for this specific situation.

Sometimes I do something that is reasonable and I'd do it the same way again or with a slight modification, but someone interprets that action in a way I did not mean. That doesn't mean that my action is wrong, but their interpretation is wrong.

One can still apologize for misunderstanding and hurt feelings in this case.

[Gardenarian]

I'm so sorry; it sounds like you are really in sorrow over this relationship.
It's hard for me to believe that in hearing her talk about her problem for six years that you never listened or acknowledged her feelings - or does she mean just the one incident? How many years are you supposed to listen and acknowledge?

And you didn't just apologize for her hurt feelings; you came out and said "I was wrong."

She clearly holds onto feelings for a long time. I agree with Shadowmoss - I don't think this is really about you, though you're getting the grief for it.

[JaneV2.0]

I keep hearing Morris Albert's Feelings running through my head.

It's a kind of emotional vampirism where you try to elicit even more drama by counting up the real or imagined slights in your life on an endless loop and then browbeating your patient listener for not participating enthusiastically enough in your ritual.

[margene]

All good thoughts to ponder. This has really made me look at myself a little closer which is a good thing. I really appreciate everyone's input.

[Karma]

That is your friends story that she gets a big payoff from and you are just trying to take that away from her, the nerve you have! LOL I have lost a friend before because of this, after hearing the same sad story for years I told her it was time to move on and that it just wasn't helpful for her to keep the pain alive by reselling it to me so often, she got mad but I stood my ground and said that I could not keep listening to her story because it was harmful to my mental health. She stopped calling after that. I think you should cut this person loose.

[Spartana]

It sounds like she hasn't found a way to get over what ever happened to her 6 years ago. Maybe that is justicfiable, maybe not. I would just say to her "I'm sorry that you are still hurting over what happened all these years later. And I'm sorry that there is nothing I can do or say to make you feel better. Perhaps it's time to talk to a professional to help you". There is no reason she should get angry at you. You have supported her and been there as a friend. Nothing more you can do. She needs to get over it and move on and find someone who can help her do that and not expect her friends to have all the right answers and advise that won't hurt her feelings. She should not get angry with those who try to help ease her pain or support her the way you have done. UGH - I hate that kind of drama. Probably why I hang out with guys - "Dude, geeze, get over it already or find someone to help you"..."OK". The end. No hurt feelings or anger or long discussions about it time and time again for years.