Reflection on the Holidays - What's Working/ What's Not

[ejchase]

I am part of a new family - my SO and our 21-month-old and his two teenagers, who live with us a third of the time - and because my family of origin is across the country, we spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with his siblings and their kids and will do so for the forseeable future. Since I remained single and childless until I was in my forties, I was used to just following the lead of my parents and siblings at holidays and, while that had its challenges, it allowed me to just follow along with traditions we've had for years.

Now that I am raising my own child, I'm starting to think about what traditions I actually want my daughter to grow up with and what kind of holiday traditions actually feel authentic and important to me to preserve and which ones I can let go of. Additonally, I am thinking about the challenges I find in spending the holidays with my SO's family and how I might take care of myself in the midst of them so that I don't end up angry and stressed every year. In the past, I had to figure out how to do the same with my own family, but now I have a whole new landscape of age-old tensions and strong personalities to navigate!

I've decided I'm going to open a Christmas journal on my computer and start a what worked/what didn't entry for Christmas every year so that I can look at it next year and hopefully plan ahead for a more enjoyable holiday.

As I think about this, I'd love to hear from others about the following:

1. What traditions do you have that are particularly meaningful or successful? Why do you think they work?

2. What strategies are most helpful to you in dealing with challenging relatives and in helping your kids deal with them?

3. Is saying "no" a part of your holidays? What sorts of things do you say "no" to and how do you do it diplomatically?

4. Any thoughts in general about what's working/ what's not in your holiday rituals?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

Elizabeth

[nswef]

Hi Elizabeth,

I was thinking about this today= my 64th birhday- and have struggled for years with Christmas- counseling...blah, blah...but what has worked for me was to eliminate the gift exchange..
I informed my family that I did not want gifts and I was not giving gifts but because we are so fortunate and others aren't to please just donate what would be spent to a cause or charity close to your heart. M
y parents had a hard time with that...but did do it for me- this has been our tradition for 20 years or so.

I also was saved by my younger sister who has 3 children and invites us to their house. It is very laid back- she has a huge party Christmas Eve where we go late to help clean up...then stay the night. After Santa we have breakfast ( sticky buns I make as my mom used to) ,, then family gifts, then we graze on the leftover party food and watch a movie. We come home. This too has been going on for about 18 years and has saved my Christmas.

My older sister continued to go to my parents' and now goes to her children. It helped for me to not have children in making this decision.

My younger sister refused to travel Christmas eve and Christmas day once she had 2 children....thus our invitation. I say NO to many things during this time.

Oh, and reindeer dust- oatmeal and glitter to sprinkle on the lawn Christmas eve- santa and the reindeer see the glitter and the deer have a snack. My niece is 15 and STILL wants to do this!!! It makes me smile to bring the sticky buns and reindeer dust.

It's smart to make these decisions while your baby is young. My way worked for me- distance from the difficult family and my husband was supportive, which was lucky for me.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Again I resolve: NEXT YEAR I am getting out of town ..... (that's often easier said that done as work obligations come up etc.)

[pcooley]

I prefer not travelling on Christmas. All of our family is back east, so we often do. However, for me, it's more about hunkering down in the dark part of the year and celebrating the slow return of the light. When I was younger, I thought I would be radical and invent new traditions for my family, and we would ignore the crass commercialism, etc. As I get older, the invention of rituals always seems a little bogus. (Though I can always come up with some easily - let's light candles and talk about summer, etc.). We give gifts, but the thrift store gifts are always the favorites. This year, we budgeted $50 a month for Christmas, so we had some money on hand, and we gave the kids cash for them to spend on gifts for family members. We also give homemade gifts to people at our workplaces. This year we made magnets with beeswax designs from beeswax from my hives, and I gave away bottles of mead. So, not travelling, budgeting, making gifts, and keeping it small but still having the traditional Christmas from my childhood works for us. I'm always worried, by the way, about the kids being disappointed about not receiving much, but they always seem much happier and more grateful on Christmas morning than I remember being when I was their age.

[sweetana3]

Nice to hear that someone created what should be the sprit of Christmas. Doing things for others is almost always a good thing.

[sweetana3]

Unless you just want the presents, say no to traveling all over on Christmas with kids. Or anyplace where you have to drive to and from on Christmas. Kids usually enjoy the holidays at home or somewhere where they can sleep and wake up to Christmas. Driving just adds a lot of stress plus packing and unpacking and just plain stress.

Adopt other days for parties.

[peggy]

When the kids were little, we too tried to keep Christmas simple. We tried not to overwhelm the kids with presents, picking just a few that they really wanted. My parents, as well as husbands were never the type of grandparents that just bury the kids in presents, so that was never an issue. You might want to lay that rule down now with the grandparents. One gift, each kid. Oh, and be sure to gently remind them that you have THREE kids now, and each kid should be remembered, no matter how modestly, or no gifts for any of them.
We always celebrated St. Nicholas day on the 6th of December. This is when the kids would get their stockings. Made Christmas day a bit less frantic, and actually helped them to 'make it' to Christmas. LOL The stocking usually had some candy, maybe a small toy or book, and a movie video.

We also refused to travel out of town for Christmas when the kids were very little, especially when they still believed in Santa. It's just way to much of a hassle to transport that whole dog and pony show somewhere else. If we were to travel, it would be Christmas afternoon or the next day. Grandparents of course were welcome to come to our house and be there for Christmas morning if they wished.

One other thing that has always made Christmas happy and relaxed for me is to do my shopping way before Christmas, starting maybe even in summer. We all have times when we are out and see something and think 'wouldn't that be nice for grandma, or Suzy would really like that'. I just act on it and get that thing. Then I'm ready for Christmas or birthday, or what have you. I'm almost always done before December gets here.

We usually have shrimp cocktails and smoked meat of some kind on Christmas eve. Christmas morning is waffles or sweet rolls or some thing we don't normally have, but nothing elaborate. My sister always serves mimosas Christmas morning. But really, I would keep whatever tradition you develop simple and easy. Traditions become a burden when they are too complicated and rigid. But it is nice to pick some little something and make that a tradition that everyone can look forward to. And with a breakfast tradition, it's best to pick something you can prepare the night before and have in the fridge ready to pop into the oven. Less hassle, and fun for the older kids to help prepare the night before.

[razz]

Our Christmases are very simple.

While playing Christmas CD's, I decorate the house, inside and outside, in the first week of December, get out my special Christmas placemats of which I made 48, (enough for everyone to have eight,) a few years ago, make DGS some pj's and a matching bathrobe this year, three kinds of cookies and dark fruit cake, plan a menu and relax.

We give our DD's and their families the gift of being free to come home if time, work commitments, and weather allowed. Both families made it home this year meeting for the Christmas dinner using the beautifiully embroidered tablecloth that DD2 made for me but they stayed for staggered periods which was lovely.

We don't do gifting but may have stockings which are hung by the fireplace each year.

Very lowkey and low pressure for everyone.

[bunnys]

I was driving home from the park last night and some guy was standing out by his car in his Packers fleece pajama bottoms having a smoke. The look on his face said he was over it.

I think these dramatic family moments are par for the course.

[treehugger]

Some random thoughts, in no particular order:
- I think it's a great idea to start looking at this now, waaaaaay in advance of next holiday season, but I also think it makes things harder to think about the holidays as an isolated event. For me, it's more productive to look at our traditions and behaviors and decisions as integral to our normal, everyday lives and values. I know that sounds kinda pretentious, and I don't mean it to be. It's hard to explain, but it's sorta like this: all throughout the year we put thought into what we say yes and what we say no to (visiting, traveling, dinners out, etc.), and that's no different in December.


- The best thing my husband and I ever did for our sanity was to opt out of gift giving. Note that we have never tried to change our family members' gift giving habits or traditions. We simply let the families know, well in advance of December, that we wouldn't be exchanging gifts. We did this 8 years ago and have never looked back. No doubt there are people in our lives who have complained about us being grinchy or stingy, or whatever, but I can't worry about that. Doing away with the lists and shopping and such has brought us so much peace and joy that we will never regret it.


- I learned at a young age that it’s impossible to please everyone, so it’s not even worth it to try (since that pretty much only guarantees that the maximum number of people will be displeased). As a team, DH and I make our decisions about who we will see when, let people know within a reasonable timeframe, and stick to it. Between the two of us, we have 7 parents. Both children of divorce, we have 4 separate parental factions to deal with (plus a large assortment of aunts, uncles, siblings, etc.). Our very first Christmas together, when we were dating, we spent the holiday apart, so that we could make our own parents happy. We missed each other and decided not to do that again. Year 2, we visited each parent on Christmas Day. Ugh, what a logistical nightmare that left us feeling exhausted and stressed. For the next few years we experiments with spreading things out, using Christmas Eve and the day after to split up the visits. That worked much better. We have now settled on going only one place on Christmas Day. That is set in stone for us. Of course, it’s easier now that I have no family locally any more. I don’t even see my mom & stepdad for Christmas, but we see them at the end of January, when it’s easier to visit their mountain home. And my dad & step-mom’s Christmastime has morphed into New Years, so we travel down to SoCal for that.

- I have strict personal limits about the length of time my visits to my parents can last. I keep those limits to myself, but I stick to them when making my plans. My parents would always like us to stay longer, but I just lose my cool (and then feel guilty) after a certain amount of time, so they are much better off with less of me. :)

Best wishes to you in figuring out what you and your SO want so that you can make your plans and then get what you want. Arranging our simple lives to suit us is not selfish; it's smart, and I truly believe it makes for better relationships with those outside the immediate family unit.

Kara

[Zoebird]

This is a great contemplative exercise, and I am already finding value in it just by reading your starter post! :)

1. What traditions do you have that are particularly meaningful or successful? Why do you think they work?

In my case, I just decided to get rid of christmas. each year, we have travelled at christmas (for the last two since moving to NZ), and the nicest thing about them was NOT doing christmas, but doing summer here, and some nice foods and time with friends/family.

In a way, this has become our tradition, and the day before yesterday (christmas day here), we got up, had our usual breakfast, got out swim togs on, and went to the beach. We met up with friends there, who brought bubbles, and we brought stollen (german cake). It was the *most lovely* and relaxing time just being in the water, chatting about the neighborhood's growth, and enjoying jellyfish.

We exchanged no gifts, and my son *still* had the most fabulous day. He'd opened the presents from his grandparents (my parents) in early december when they arrived, and he opened his presents from my ILs when they arrived here yesterday. There was no pomp in it, just the normal "my grandparents are here!" which was the main excitement. he got two gifts from them -- a pair of shoes with his name all over them and a wooden sword made by his grandfather.

For all of us, the day was fun and restful, without too much mess, stuff, or even an expectation that it's going to be X or Y this year. Just "see where our holiday takes us."

2. What strategies are most helpful to you in dealing with challenging relatives and in helping your kids deal with them?

We worked on boundaries before they arrived, and what we needed as a family. Once they arrived, it's actually been ok. They haven't been negative at all, really, though very anxious in the grocery store -- and then reigned it in before having a fit.

We have been keeping to our normal rhythms, and basically doing things slowly (that's how we do things), and DS is still super-excited beyond belief. He's out of his mind with excitement.

I have also allowed him to be alone with them, for as long as I feel comfortable with it. Last night, they read his stories to him, and he watched a building show with them as well. I felt comfortable with this, and it was nice for DH and I to come back to the house (they are right next door in a little studio apartment) to tidy up and get everything ready for bed time.

DS was so keyed up he didn't go to sleep until 10:30. But, on the plus side, he didn't wake up until 8 or so.

3. Is saying "no" a part of your holidays? What sorts of things do you say "no" to and how do you do it diplomatically?

Yes, it is. It's about boundaries, and when I can keep my sights on what my boundaries are and why I have them, it's easy to say no.

I find that the most diplomatic way is to state "no" and then the reason for the boundary. "no, we won't be taking him to see X movie, because we think it's too intense for him." and also "we are limiting his sugar/wheat intake because we notice that it makes him hyper, and then he goes fractious and it's pretty miserable for him and for us."

There are other times where I just announce "what is." This is why a game plan is helpful. I discovered that my ILs really relaxed when I gave them an indication of how we had planned things -- slow days, together after nine am, and then finished by 7 pm so that DS can wind down a bit and get to sleep (hopefully by 8/8:30). So, when it was time for him to come home from stories, they were in agreement/understanding, and they said "oh, goodnight, and we'll see you in the morning!" and walked him to the house. And he came just as comfortably as could be. And that's how it was for the evening. It's been good for all of us.

So, part of it is just about figuring out ahead of time what you need, so that you can then say things like "my daughter really needs to go to the park to burn off some energy, so she and I will be making that little trip on day X, just to keep her from being over stimulated by all of the people and festivities. It can be hard on a little one."

Most people won't argue. :) And if they do, you can say "I really want her time with the family to be really positive, and if she gets overstimulated or frustrated, it becomes a meltdown for her -- so she's not enjoying and neither are we. Having time together is the best when everyone's needs are met. This is a need of hers that I've observed over and over."

This sort of stuff is really helpful.

4. Any thoughts in general about what's working/ what's not in your holiday rituals?

The real nice thing about being able to give up christmas in the commercial, religious/cultural sense is that it liberated us to simply do what is natural. DS and I decided to spend a little bit of time yesterday evening making firebirds.

My husband and I, through a festival (http://www.firebirdfestival.com) in our former hometown, really fell in love with the phoenix. We haven't yet been able to actually 'do' a firebird festival here, but the mythos is really important to DH and I -- if for no other reason than the holy embers of it -- and as a friend and I were talking about it, I got a hankering to make some fire birds.

DS wanted to make some decorations for the holiday (which is christmas/not christmas -- he knows that others celebrate christmas and we don't), and so I suggested that since it is summer, we make "firebirds in their height of beauty" which we can then burn out in the winter.

DS gathered up some of his paintings that he'd done before, and we made paper birds with cool folded tails and everything. He's quite creative. I did the cutting, because he kept cutting off the birds' heads and getting frustrated.

Then we hung a few around the house, and a few for Mimi/Opa, and then a few for our neighbors, and I set one aside to send to my friend in australia as well. :) He was quite pleased to have some holiday decorations that he made himself.

He'll be making cookies with his mimi (he knows that I don't bake), and then we'll be doing normal activities that follow his rhythm, interest, and excitement -- which is really all they want to do anyway.

We all thrive on things being structured, and anything that is a "big deal" (birthday, holiday, etc) still needs to be low key because he gets over-excited. And, we try to keep it focused on the experience -- the food, the time with family, and the activity -- as opposed to gifts or high expectations of what we "should be" feeling.

[Tussiemussies]

Hi Elizabeth,

Two traditions that I remember more than anything else with fondness is1) every night for quite awhile , just my Mom and I would bake all of the same cookies every year. It was so nice to be together and just talking. 2) Since I was the oldest I knew the truth about Santa Clause before anyone else so my Mom and I would wrap all gifts from Santa and other together. Another nice time to just talk. When the holidays come around I remember and cherish these times so much....

[Mrs-M]

1. What traditions do you have that are particularly meaningful or successful? Why do you think they work? Baking, for one, is a longstanding tradition of mine, so is pulling out Christmas decorations to help warm the home. Your daughter is still a baby, but when she gets older, including in these two things will make for happy times for both mom and DD. Also, family dinners (at home). I love being and staying at home over the holidays. Home-sweet-home.

2. What strategies are most helpful to you in dealing with challenging relatives and in helping your kids deal with them? Making the best of stressful occasions, makes you stronger in the long-run. Passing those strengths down to your children will encourage them to follow in moms footsteps.

3. Is saying "no" a part of your holidays? What sorts of things do you say "no" to and how do you do it diplomatically? Absolutely. We all have to be true to ourselves, and at times, that may mean saying, "no", and family/friends, etc, should accept (and respect) your "no", and what it stands for.

4. Any thoughts in general about what's working/ what's not in your holiday rituals? Pretty much everything works in our family, mainly, because we all pull-together top help make it work. As for things that don't work, then that is time to sit-down with those who are involved and come to a general consensus, as to what is and isn't going to work. Clearing, and keeping the air clear, is one of the most important things of all. Be true to yourself, and to others.

[Polliwog]

Several years ago after both of my sons were married, we started a tradition of drawing names for gifts: there are 2 sons, their wives, my dad and me. We each draw a name (if one draws his or her own spouse, or self, then we start over). We set a limit of $60.00 and each person must buy 4 things with the $60.00: "something you want; something you need; something to play with; and something to read." That actually came from someone on the former forum many years ago. It is so much fun and we take turns opening each gift. Prior to opening the gifts, we try to keep it a secret whose name we have drawn. This tradition has been very special and less costly than trying to buy for everyone. We then can concentrate on the children.

[sweetana3]

I am 60 and still remember the very early times when we were young and not a lot of money. Mom had a special Santa face cookie cutter mold and every Christmas we would bake and decorate these cookies for all our friends and teachers. Since they were decorated by kids, they were somewhat interesting but we loved the activity.

It was the same thing when Dad made his stuffing. The only two things I remember him making were the stuffing for the turkey and ice tea with mint in the summer. It is a very lasting memory.

We always got a tree on Xmas eve (cause they were on sale or free). They always had to have the end sawn off and then the usually huge tree had to be fit into our very small living room. Oh, I love the smell of an evergreen tree. We decorated with homemade things and went to bed.

Since we lived in Alaska and all other relatives were in the Lower 48, it was always just a family celebration. Kept simple.

[SvenV]

HI everybody

I know it is an old thread and we are faraway from Christmas ( Ok in six months it is all over again:) ) but I found this nice site about tips and tricks about Christmas, I found some useful things and can't wait for christmas again....
www.e-njoy.us/christmas/