What's Working/What's Not in Your Holidays Thread in Holidays Forum

[ejchase]

Hi All,

I started a thread in the Holidays forum on thinking about what's working/what's not in our holidays. I really wanted to post it in this forum since so many of the posts here this time of year seem to center around how to deal with challenging family issues, which seems an important part of having enjoyable holidays, but I know it really belongs there. But please stop by there and look at it if you think you might have some thoughts on the subject.

Thanks,
Elizabeth

[Mrs-M]

Will do, Ejchase! :)

[Fawn]

Elizabeth, these are excellent questions.

1? What traditions do you have that are particularly meaningful or successful? Why do you think they work?
December is the busiest month of the year, so I have eliminated many traditions that I enjoyed when younger, but as a single parent with four kids, I had to make the whole thing managable. We hang stockings over the fireplace. That is both decoration and a place for the presents to go. I fill them with small gifts and candy. I attend all of the kid's Winter Music programs. I send Christmas cards to people who send them to me. Those are the only things I do, really. On the years that my kids are with me, we celebrate Christmas day. On the years that they are with their other family, we celebrate Christmas Eve.

2. What strategies are most helpful to you in dealing with challenging relatives and in helping your kids deal with them?
Limiting exposure has been my chief strategy. As they have gotten older, I have given them instructions about how to deal with certain issues, i.e for the really competative uncle: "If uncle K asks you what your ACT score is, you do not have to tell him if you do not want to. You can say something like, 'Isn't that like asking somebody how much money they make?'" I have a SIL who is a wonderful human being, but her idea of Christmas cheer is a pain in the neck to me. I have told her that she can not fix what is broken in Christmas for me and she no longer tries.

3. Is saying "no" a part of your holidays? What sorts of things do you say "no" to and how do you do it diplomatically?
Oh Yes!!! We opted out the the gift exchange years ago. Saves time and money and having to return stuff for me and kiddos that we did not want. I often have to work the holiday, so opt out of get togethers due to that. Also, for many years, I was the only one that travelled to the gathering, and I had limited time due to court-ordered holiday divisions, so would beg off if there was not enough time to drive the distances involved. Last year, I told my family of origon that I was working Christmas day (I was not- actually I was originally, but it got switched) and my kids were gone. I spent the day on the couch with a book and a fire in the fireplace. Best present I gave myself--Ever! I think with small children that the fact that they react poorly to too much excitement, too much sugar, too much of too much (which is what the holiday is often about)
so that you can use them as a reason (not excuse) to not travel long distances, leave gatherings early, limit how many gifts they have to open at a gathering (I would say one gift for each year of life, more than that and they just get overwhelmed.

4. Any thoughts in general about what's working/ what's not in your holiday rituals?
What works is voicing aloud to my family what is important to me about the holiday--getting together with family. I don't do gifts with anyone except my children. My holiday cooking is centered on healthy meals, not sugary treats-because that is how we eat. I stopped doing a Christmas tree about 4 years ago, because it took a bout 4-6 hours to get it up and about that to get it down-during a month when I didn't have any time to spare. I buy a wreath for the front door, put up the stockings, a a bowl of glass ornaments and call the house decorated. I answer the cards that people send to me, because I want to stay in touch with them, but I usually send less than 10/year. I do not send them to people I see all the time. With four kids and 2 ex-husband's families and a job that requires me to work on or near the holiday, as they get older and create their own homes, I will likely not expect them to travel here to be with me. I will plan on spending Christmas with them were they are and plan to rent a cottage on a lake in July for 2 weeks and ask them to gather then, when there are not so many other demands on their time and the weather is better.