work or relationships, too much so going to spiritual

[Zoe Girl]

I am hitting another real hard knot of stuff. It is a little about blatantly disobeying child (again), and then hearing from my coworker who is dealing with life threatening illness and a bad working environment. She is so upset she cannot even see straight and I don't blame her one bit. Basically I am faced with no longer thinking that certain managers respect our area of the store or the type of work we do, and i liked them. There are coworkers I have that I report something almost every time I work with them to the upper management so that they know what is happening. These people have their protected jobs and in fact have higher reviews (this is the super secret thing I should not know) than people I report often doing a good job. So the values and work that my friend and I do are not what is respected at this work environment. And I can't afford to quit, I already lost my house while working there so I am not talking about keeping up with my lattes when I say this.

I need to find a centered peace, I need to accept that every way I have to evaluate work and people is not supported in this society. I have no idea what is important in this world and what seems to make money and help people survive, I just cannot fathom how things are but I have to make some type of peace with this.

[Xmac]

I am hitting another real hard knot of stuff. It is a little about blatantly disobeying child (again), and then hearing from my coworker who is dealing with life threatening illness and a bad working environment. She is so upset she cannot even see straight and I don't blame her one bit. Basically I am faced with no longer thinking that certain managers respect our area of the store or the type of work we do, and i liked them. There are coworkers I have that I report something almost every time I work with them to the upper management so that they know what is happening. These people have their protected jobs and in fact have higher reviews (this is the super secret thing I should not know) than people I report often doing a good job. So the values and work that my friend and I do are not what is respected at this work environment. And I can't afford to quit, I already lost my house while working there so I am not talking about keeping up with my lattes when I say this.

I need to find a centered peace, I need to accept that every way I have to evaluate work and people is not supported in this society. I have no idea what is important in this world and what seems to make money and help people survive, I just cannot fathom how things are but I have to make some type of peace with this.

Whenever I see the other as the problem, it turns out to be me.
Whenever I think some foods or habits are bad, it turns out to be one's state of mind or perceptions.
Whenever I think there's a problem with the job, it turns out to be the relationships.
Whenever I have thought I needed peace, it turns out that I already had it and couldn't stand it (which was made obvious by my actions).
Whenever I think there's a problem with me, it turns out to be what I believe, not me.

The "problems" are invariably wherever no one is looking because it's usually too offensive to our sacred beliefs that we often carry around like a ton of bricks.

[Zoe Girl]

Okay, well I had a really serious cry, went to check on the bathroom issue and I think it is actually backing up from the toilets instead of just water lines, and then my kids came to ask why I was crying so much. I spilled my guts out for a minute and my dd suggested I become more of a b** and take care of myself. That is kinda funny, I have been working a lot on assertiveness, the idea I was not put on this earth to be a doormat, and right now I am feeling like there is just no way out.

So I am going to bed early, going to sit an meditate a moment on the idea of valuing my inner b*** as a self protective measure, and go with that. The first thing I did was ground her for not being where she was supposed to be and scaring me half to death just so she could see bf. She didn't even argue with me, ha!

[Xmac]

I become more of a b** and take care of myself.

Are these, in your opinion, necessarily mutually inclusive?

[Zoe Girl]

I had to think about that one for awhile, hmm. No I do not have to be a b** to take care of myself but if I am too worried about appearing mean or b**y then i focus too little on caring for myself and too much on other things. So I cannot be too attached to being or appearing nice when I take care of myself.

Of couse I was also quoting my 17 dd, that can be a good thing for her to say since it helps her not take too much crap from her boyfriend and dad who both are big challenges.

[Xmac]

I applaud your integrity.
Just another question if you'll indulge me a bit more:
When you're trying to appear nice, is it for someone else or is it for you; who benefits most?

The reason I ask is because I try to appear looking "nice", in certain situations, also. And for me, I realized I'm worried about ME or my image: I want to be thought of, and spoken of, well by everyone...and of course that is hopeless and a waste of energy. Not a problem really, more of an opportunity to just notice.

[Zoe Girl]

I think that I mostly just misunderstood many things. I got all the 'nice' and 'compassionate' messages from religions and being female but I think I didn't get the 'make sure you take care of yourself' messages as well. In my family especially it was a little, I don't know, just not done that women took care of themselves strongly. So I was supposed to take care of lots of people however the deal was supposed to be that a husband took care of me. So you can be very nice if someone else is in charge of that part.

Also I see that I used to have a much stronger sense of taking care of myself rather than only being nice many years ago. Some of what happened in the middle trained things out of me. It is coming back however which is good. That is a whole nother story though!

[mattj]

I heard an author on a podcast recently, then read his book. It's called No More Mr Nice Guy... It's a great book that is helping me learn to stand up for myself without being an asshole, or a jerk or a bitch. I've heard that some women have liked the book too.

[Zoe Girl]

That sounds like a good one Mattj, I don't really want to be a difficult person but I also need to have some seriuos backbone here. It is funny because I just read a section in my recent book about Idiot Compassion, it is pretty great. I can see that often I have been practicing Idiot Compassion instead of real compassion because I think real compassion is much harder.

[Xmac]

Idiot compassion. That's funny.

What's great about saying "no" to others when it is appropriate is that it is saying "yes" to oneself, and this is like saying "yes" to that person because they can know that when you do say "yes" it is genuine and has no strings attached.