Puzzled and hurt

[SoSimple]

I mentioned this in another post that I've been approached out of the blue for a job. I'm currently on a contract that's coming to an end soon and although it may go permanent, it's in a small-ish town with not so many job opportunities.

So my DH, when I was first contacted for this job, was over the moon. "What a great opportunity! Definitely go for it!" We made some assumptions and made plans about how we'd make yet another long separation work, and when he'd join me in the new location and I truly thought he was fully on board.

However, I'm now having my third interview tomorrow (these people move fast) and all of a sudden he's all "well, don't leave me behind" and "you should pursue this position for yourself" and "I've got no options, as usual". Now, in all fairness, his career has not been the best over the past few years, and he just had a major set-back today (short version: promises made by his workplace to give him skills development opportunities are once again not being kept). Even so, I am puzzled by the sudden about-face and frankly rather hurt that yet again, I get to celebrate something good on my own, and yet again, I am feeling guilty that things seemingly fall in my lap and not in his.

I've posted about this before on the old boards, but I'm really at a loss with this particular dynamic. Does he really want me to just quit at the end of my contract and go back to underemployment? I called him after his text messages expressing the above, as discussing this kind of stuff by text or email just doesn't cut it but he didn't pick up. So . . . I'm doubly hurt.

I'm not sure there's even any useful advice anyone can give me at this point, but I've gone from excitement about this new position to feeling guilty, uncertain and full of doubt. Plus I'm pissed off at being put in this position and having that excitement prematurely taken away from me. Again.

[Anne Lee]

Good vibes to you on your job. How exciting! I do hope that you finally get some stability in that area.

As far as DH, well, he'll come around. Some people are so insecure that they can't be happy about anyone else's good fortune, even if it is ultimately their own. Of course, many men, even enlightened sensitive non-Neanderthalish men, do like to feel they are providing and carrying their weight in the relationship. It's hard to tell if DH is being childish, feeling like Sir Galahad with a rusty sword and no armor, or is just overly sensitive.

[Gina]

Sorry you are having a bad time with this. Most changes are difficult. Hang in there till you can talk to your DH directly. People experience all sorts of moods and thought patterns before settling on what's most beneficial during major transitions. Both of you are in that process now. It will settle out. Be patient.

[redfox]

I'm not sure there's even any useful advice anyone can give me at this point, but I've gone from excitement about this new position to feeling guilty, uncertain and full of doubt. Plus I'm pissed off at being put in this position and having that excitement prematurely taken away from me. Again.

Here is my advice: Please don't make any assumptions about how he is feeling. And, please know that no one puts you in a position or takes away anything from you - those are your responses to the assumptions you're making.

Until you hear him ask or tell you that he wants or expects you to not take this job, you know nothing. And if he won't talk, it's your job to live your life the way you want to.

[loosechickens]

To me, it sounds more like he's not feeling really good about himself, and fears that you may "leave him behind" and not want him anymore if you are really successful and he isn't. Maybe just making sure that he understands that you guys are a partnership for the long haul, and sometimes one of you will forge ahead and another time, the other, but either way, you are partners "all for one and one for all".

He's probably a bit insecure at the moment, and he can really hold both things in his heart at once.....a sincere wish for you to do well, and fears that if you do, you will find him wanting and leave him.

good luck on the interview.......it will all work out, hopefully.

[chrisgermany]

He might need some days to get past his recent disappointment in his own job.
Even for the best among us it is difficult to be happy with someone else if you see something in your life going downhill.

Then, I would talk about my new job by referring to the good things your job might bring for him, too.
Could you for example finance some kind of skill development for him without involving his workplace?
He might need to to invest in his carreer so that he gets more options. For example I have paid for seminars and trainings and once paid for a consultant to help me find a new job. It was by far the best investment into my carreer I have ever made. The interview training got me 3 jobs thereafter each with better salary than before.

Good luck for both of you!

[razz]

Tell me about a marriage where this dynamic does not arise. I have experienced the same response as you and finally decided that I would examine the options, discuss them with DH and then proceed on what seemed best. Sounds harsh, maybe, but I got tired of feeling hurt or disappointed or giving someone the opportunity to do this to me.
If your motives are clear and beneficial to both (regular income in an enjoyable job is a good positive in a marriage), go for and enjoy the wonderful opening for what it really is. While you may want the absolute best for your DH, it is his challenge and you can only offer support not sacrifice your life as he works through his challenges. This job for you may give hime the opportunity to explore other options in employment and fields of interest.

That said, he will need to feel safe enough with you to express his frustration and disappointment from time to time.

Hugs to you as this is a painful and lonely feeling to experience and few people that one can safely talk to about it.

[SoSimple]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. It's something we deal with repeatedly as I (generally) have more luck with my career than he does. I'm on to the next round (where they fly me out) but this last interview did raise some red flags for me so I'll have to gather some more information and see if this is something I truly want. Although my contract is coming to an end I may well have an offer from my current workplace, so I'll have to weigh that opportunity also.

On the upside, his work has done another about-face on skills development, so he is feeling rather better about himself and his career. One could get quite dizzy with the twists and turns of the Powers That Be where he works.

[SoSimple]

Well, the opportunity referenced above fell through (those red flags really meant something . . . ), but the contract that I have been working since November has been offered to me as a permanent job and, seeing as continuing to be employed means living somewhere other than where DH is anyway, I decided to take it. (There are no jobs for my profession in the city where DH lives & works).

However, this same dynamic with DH continues and I am beginning to wonder if this is more a depression issue than anything else. He has been, at best, dysthymic our entire marriage, and this has generally manifested itself as a lot of pent-up anger regarding his work situation. Oh, and he came very close to a suicide attempt early on in our marriage that haunts me to this day. Although I don't expect anyone to have the perfect job, every single one of his jobs that he's held during our marriage has had major problems for him. It reminds me of Goldilocks - this one is too "this", the next one is too "that", but he's never found the one that's "just right".

I am reluctant to say that this is all "his" problem, because it's not (there are serious issues where he's currently working right now - a less professional environment would be hard to find). But I know very few people who have as many work-related issues (or let it affect their entire life this much) as he does. I am hearing a lot of hopelessness in his statements, and that concerns me. He told me this morning that he "would probably die in [name of region]". Which is bunk because he can choose to move anytime. And he'll make comments like "I'll never get out of doing [current line of work]". Both these smack of self-fulfilling prophecies.

I'm also worn out from the on-again-off-again plans I endure. Two weeks ago he came down to visit and liked the town. Yes, maybe this was somewhere that he could live. One week ago, he thought perhaps he could live within driving distance of where I am in one of the nearby larger urban communities (about 100 miles) where he could almost certainly find work. Yesterday he thought with a little persistence that he might be able to find something here within a few months. Today he tells me that no way can he see himself living in [name-of-town] because the last post on the local networking LinkedIn group he checked out was 4 months ago which just proves what a career dead-end it is around here. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out if I should get a 6 month, 12 month or month-to-month lease on an apartment. He asked me today if I was planning on getting a roommate, which, given that I really value my personal space was just a really weird comment to make. So I am really at a loss. One minute he's asking for reassurance, the next it feels like he's trying to drive me away.

I apologize. I am venting, but I really don't have anyone else to vent to. And I am truly at a loss to know what to do. I have tried to involve him in some decision making (how much shall I spend on the second car we need to buy? How long of a lease shall I sign? Shall I rent a one or two bedroom apartment?). I am quite capable of making these decisions myself, but just want to consult with him because we *are* married and I don't want to commit our joint finances without consulting him. But his response was basically "do what you want, I have too much on my plate to focus on that right now". Um, okay, but this is your money too (which met with the response "well, what I think doesn't matter because I won't be there").

I should add that when I ask him if he believes I should have accepted this job he is quite definite that yes, I should, in part because he doesn't want me returning to joblessness in our hometown. But he sure isn't making it easy . . . Before anyone suggests it, yes, he is in counseling; primarily for OCD, which is far better than it was.

We have discussed these issues over and over and over, and what it seems to come down to is that he's desperate to get out of what he's doing, doesn't believe he ever will, sees my new job as a way out, but doesn't think he'll ever get a job here, isn't willing to do the networking that I think is required ("I don't want to get a job just because someone knows me"), and sees me as living some kind of charmed life because things do tend to fall in my lap.

Advice? I love him, but this is all wearing me out. I also have elderly parents that are getting to the needy stage, and a chronic health condition that could flare up at any time. Any attempt to explain the effect that his emotions/behaviors have on me tend to meet with the reaction of either "I don't want to lose you" or "I have nothing in life to look forward to". Or occasionally thinly veiled threats that maybe a divorce would be better all round for us. So I'm at a loss. And exhausted. And sad. Living 750 miles apart is not what I want to be doing either, but he wanted me to be the trailblazer, he said, so I went forth and blazed a trail and now he's telling me that he doesn't want to follow.

More than anything, I want to figure out how to move forward. I have no intention of getting divorced or leaving him. Despite the above I love him very much and find this separation painful. I could quit, but this position increases our gross income by almost 2/3rds, which is very, very good for our somewhat sagging retirement accounts. Plus, I'm inclined to make money while I can because of my health. Any and all suggestions are good. I've toyed with joint counseling, but would rather try some different approaches suggested by all you good folks before bringing in a third party.

[Gina]

To be honest your DH sounds very depressed. I have a RL good friend who is also depressed and I've been reading up on the subject (very enlightening) to understand it better. One of the things I've read is that very depressed people are not always thinking clearly and often make what seem like contradictory or inconsistent statements. This can be very difficult for the people in their lives to not take personally, but it's the depression talking, not our loved ones.

If your husband is getting counseling, perhaps expanding that to include a discussion of depression might be helpful. Maybe even an antidepressant medication could help.

I have nothing else to suggest. I'm sorry you and your DH are experiencing this difficult situation.

[iris lily]

Well the one clear thing is what you've already decided: don't quit this job, take their offer of a permenant one.

Then you can work TOWARD the goal of him and you living in the same town. He WILL have to give up some things, but aren't you in a big metro area? There are plenty of pros as well as cons in those places. Whe you are depressed it's hard to see clearly aand make decisions so I absolsutely think you are doing the right thing, taking charge while you are feeling well.

Whether or not he wants to live there, at this point, is a secondary concern IMO. Agreed that you need to be working while you can. You parents will have to get on as best they can, and my dear you are going to HAVE to figure out how to be clear with them and not be running overseas when you've got 1 )a job 2) a serious health concern and 3) perhaps sole responsibility for a household if your DH doesn't get work.

Your parents are rather far down on the list of priorities. I remember the strange posts from you about eating bad meals or unhealthy ones while there to make your mother happy. Honestly, I just cannot grock being in a parent/child relationship like that and I would like to go with you on one visit overseas and sit your mother down and tell her the way it needs to be, Iris Lily's way or the highway.

I am unsure about the rental lease becaue my instinct is always not to tie yourself down, but a year goes by very quickly and haven' the two of you lived in a very small place before, so--if it comes to that and he moves with you into your tiny effieincy, can ya'll handle that?

Aslo I would like to add that these opportunities do not just fall into your lap, you are in a specialized new and in-demand field. And you are competent within that fieled, and it's really not that simple for you anyway because you've got to move to where these jobs are.

[chrisgermany]

Opportunities hardly ever just fall into one's lap.
When the opportunity arises, it just looks like the person has been at the right time in the right right place.
But usually this person has been in a lot of places at a lot of times, talked with a lot of people and made him/herself visible to a lot of people who could offer opportunities.
Your husband might benefit from some hours of carreer counselling to learn about strategies to move ahead and some reality checks like: there will always be something negative in each job. It does not mean that the job is bad. A job might just need to be "good enough".

[razz]

SoSimple, congrats on the permanent position!!!!!! It seems, IME, sometimes it requires a strong affirmative approach in your life to provide a rock for your partner to lean on if s/he is on shaky ground.

DH is similar in being indecisive in many ways but in counselling was able to manipulate the counsellor as the passive-aggressive people are noted for being good manipulators according to the family physician. We dropped the counselling PDQ as it was just a laugh. A smarter counsellor could have made a difference perhaps but the choice in our area is limited.

I have found that when I am very confident in my decision based on shared solid research looking at all options an risks, indepth discussion and goal setting, the indecisiveness in DH disappears.

Sometimes, the strength in a relationship varies depending on the circumstances. DH is strong in certain issues and I am in others. That give and take is the sharing in a marriage not making every decision a joint consensus. Are you asking him for a consensus to build your own confidence rather than being rock solid in your own confidence?

You will work through this so hang in there!!!

[Anne Lee]

Ok, YOU need some support other than an online message forum.

DH sounds like he needs a better psychiatrist who can treat the OCD and the depression.

Being part of a team where one team member is down is hard. All my best as this is the "for worse" and "in sickness" part.

[SoSimple]

Thank you all for your wise words. IL - I'm imagining you and my mother having a "conversation". HAH! Yes, WWF would have nothing on that. I might just sell tickets ;)

Anne Lee - yes, I do need better support, but somehow posting semi-anonymously on here is easier than talking to one of my few friends in real life. Perhaps I'm too proud to admit to folks IRL that I'm having difficulty with something . . .

In any case, after a serious sit-down and heart-to-heart with DH, we have decided that he will invest in a good career counselor, resume writer and personal branding professional (which may be the same person, or not). We are thinking that he will leave his current position at the end of the year so he can do his necessary "career pit-stop" to polish his technical and presentation skills. We will put a cap on the length of time we stay in the area I'm working in so he can look for work in other locations. Unfortunately it's not that big of a metro area, and not that great for jobs - the fact that my position came up there is something of an anomaly. Some of his depression is situational: he is markedly better when he is away from his job and his current location.

I have also roped him in to helping me buy a car. I detest the process of buying cars and would really value his help, even though I could do it if I had to. He's agreed to help me with that, which I think helps him feel more involved in this process overall - it's no longer just "me" doing this, but "us". And I think having a plan in place that clearly involves him, even though it may change, has helped him feel involved, valued and (above all) like this is a joint thing, not just a "me" thing.

Thank you all for letting me vent here. It's good to have a safe place to express my frustrations before sitting down with DH to discuss these issues.