Family Member's Health Issues

[jennipurrr]

MIL is pretty secretive about her health issues. We know she has a lot of liver problems (hep c, cirrhosis) among other things, but she does not discuss them with him/us or really anyone else that we know of. We have noticed for some time she is showing some more advanced signs of liver damage/failure just from appearance.

She let it slip casually that she is starting pegasys treatment. A few years ago she tried interferon (similar) but her doctor stopped treating her because of her alcohol consumption. Basically, everything I have read on the net says this is a rough treatment and even worse with alcohol.

Anyway, I don't really want to discuss that issue, but I do think we should know more about what is going on. I am not sure if it is just because I do have a nature to control, but DH says whatever happens, happens. Am I being out of line to encourage DH to find out more info about his mom's condition? It is stressing me out wondering about the 'what ifs'

[AustinKat]

Are there any siblings you could talk to, or is DH MIL's only child? Certainly if MIL is going to need care in the future, and if you and DH will be expected to provide that care, you should know what's going on.

[larknm]

That's a tricky one. What feels like encouragement to you may feel like pressure to him. It sounds like he can't cope with it. For the longest tme DH, who is a medical librarian, could look up other people's disabilities but not mine. But once he got started, and even more so when my disabilities began to affect him directly on a daily basis, he was glad to learn.

I would imagine that your DH's reluctance is increased by the fact that his mother is an active alcoholic; his foremost need may be to protect himself from her. Often with our SO's there are old incidents that we know nothing about in their families, and that they shouldn't be required to recount for our benefit. In this case I think you may need to find other ways to handle your stress. In my case I've found that's not DH's responsibility, but mine.

[Tammy]

I agree with your husband. as long as she continues to drink, it's probably best if you just don't get involved. It's hard to maintain good boundaries in these cases, and your husband is probably just trying to do that. If the time comes when you need to care for her, then things will be different.

[sweetana3]

I agree with the other posters. Dont bug your husband. If something happens that directly affects him (and you) then you will probably get more info but I am sorry to say you are not her child only the daughter in law. If he cannot get her to stop drinking, what is knowing more going to provide? He seems to be dealing with it. Assume the worst and hope that it will not be that bad. It might help to go to AlAnon for the family and friends of alchoholics to learn techniques to deal with the emotions. The meetings did wonders for a friend of mine.

I always remember the smokers who still smoke when on oxygen no matter what anyone says and eventually kill themselves in an explosion or fire.

[jennipurrr]

Thank you for the replies. I figured this was something I shouldn't mess with but it keeps nagging me. DH does have siblings, but I believe he would have to shoulder most of the burden in whatever care she would need...I think that is a lot of it. I am a planner and would like to know what to prepare for. But, MIL isn't talking about it and DH doesn't want to press her, so I am just going to have to accept that.

[iris lily]

sometimes I hate this software.

I lost a post last night that suggested what you are talking about. I'd focus less on her actual heatlh (since that is entirely out of your contorl even if she WAS a model patients) and more on what I think you are doing anyay, looking ahead to the care issue. It doesn't hurt to ask your husband about his expectations for you and he in this role. MOney? Time? Both? what will go into that?

He has an obligation to you to start a dialogue about that, but I really agree with others that the focus should not be with the woman's health care treatment because you simply have no control over that. The talk should be along the lines of: when you mother can't cook for herself and keep herslef and her place clean, we will have to do ______. Her finances are _______ and that will support all or part of ________. OR perhaps she will come to live with you! (just kidding.)
It makes it extra hard when there are other siblings and they do not face into consequences. I guess that would be a useful thing to ask you husband: who does he want on his "mom care" team of his siblings? WHo has the most similar outlook to his?

Also keep in mind that your MIL would most likely not have useful, practical, information about her own health care and consequences. Even if she did talk about it, it wouldn't be informaiton you could base plans on.

[Bronxboy]

Also keep in mind that your MIL would most likely not have useful, practical, information about her own health care and consequences. Even if she did talk about it, it wouldn't be information you could base plans on.
This is a very good point. She may well be in denial, is probably fatalistic, and almost certainly has been letting information about her damage to her health pass in one ear and out the other for decades.

The fact is that drinking, drug use, and general hard living catch up with people past 50, even if they quit in middle age. My experience has been that the people I grew up with who didn't quit or slow down before 40 are dead or in poor health in their early to mid 50s--especially if they have mixed alcohol and drugs.

FWIW, I am not a believer in the theory that pot is benign. While it may be no worse than Jack Daniels or Marlboros, that is a long way from benign.

[jennipurrr]

Iris Lilly, I definitely think getting the groundwork laid out with DH is something we need to do. We have not discussed this at all and so I really don't know what his expectations are. I think it will be a tough conversation but that would get me in a better place, re worrying. MIL quit her job this week due to stress, and right now has a boyfriend with whom she lives and he generally supports her and has her on his insurance...but, who knows how things could change in the future...