I am ashamed of my mother.

[HoosierNan]

That is a sentence that I thought I would never say. :( But I am horribly ashamed of something that she said to my brother "Bill." About Bill's friend "Fritz." (Names changed to protect the innocent.)

This is a story about 2 cancers, a long-term friendship, and what my mother said.

Bill's friend Fritz and I have very similar medical conditions; we both have cancer that has spread into the liver. I have been able to get a procedure done that has fixed the bile duct blockage that was causing my liver shut down. My chemotherapy is just starting, but going very well so far.

Fritz has been to hell and back with his cancer. He has been 18 months dealing with it, even getting into an experimental program for a drug that has been tested in Europe for 2 years and is only recently being tested in the U.S. It looked as if all was going well, then a follow-up scan shows that he has 20 tumors on the liver. (I have perhaps 8 small tumors on my liver.)

Mom has been bragging to me about how many people she has recruited to pray for me: "My church here where I live, the church in our hometown, people I'm friends with, etc. ad nauseum. We all want you to get better and live and be a 30-year cancer surviver like me." I believe in prayer, and there are other people that have been praying for me in my own friendship networks.

But here is what she told Bill in an e-mail: "If Fritz is so bad off, it is time for people to pray that he dies quickly and with little pain." Bill was FURIOUS! "Mom, how dare you tell ANYONE to pray for the death of ANYONE??? Fritz was my roommate in graduate school for two years; I was best man at his wedding! I want him to LIVE!!!!"

Bill told me this on the phone, and I was absolutely horrified. Mom should never have thought such a thing, much less said it.

What is the cut-off for "get better" and "die now"? Fewer than 15 tumors, get well? 16 or more, just die and go away?

I am not going to mention it again to Bill or Mom, because that will only escalate the matter. But I really do not want the same lips praying for ME to get a complete recovery, and for Fritz to "die quickly."

That she said something so awful; I am totally ashamed of her. At 81 years old, she is developing a lot less impulse control. But that is no excuse for such cruelty.

I just wanted to vent about this to people who will never have to interact directly with her; thanks for listening.

[Anne Lee]

So sorry. This has to be particularly painful for you, given your condition.

[flowerseverywhere]

I've been following your journey and I wish you all the best and hope that you continue to improve and do well. I am very sorry for your mother's comment and how badly it hurt you and your brother. I am always so glad when someone posts something like your story here, because it really does good to vent like that so your precious energy can be used to fight your battle.


Never forget every day there are people who have grave diagnoses who beat the odds.

[Life_is_Simple]

When I was very ill 16 years ago, my aunt said 2 things to me: "I'm praying for you." and "God doesn't give us more than we can handle."

Those were both very inspiring and comforting things to hear.

I don't know what to make of your mother's statements. You're probably doing a good thing by venting here, so that you can continue to focus on the positive.

It's good to hear from you cow-hi

[kally]

an odd comment for sure. I think people are often at their worst when they are stressed, and it sounds like she is stressed. I suppose if she really believes he is at the end the comment might make sense, but if he is still fighting, well then, it is just daft.

[razz]

Oh dear, Nan. I read and reread and reread your mother's understandably odd comment and what I got out of it was her wish for Fritz, most of all, for him to be relieved of pain. Has your brother been reporting that Fritz is suffering immensely? Perhaps your mother has seen friends die earlier in her lifetime, that people who were suffering immensely were praying to be relieved by death.

It is an odd comment but not intentionally cruel. She needs to know that technology has improved so much and survival rates have improved as well.

{{{{{Nan}}}}}

[loosechickens]

I can see why you would have really negative feelings about your mom's comments, but glad that you came here to vent as opposed to getting into it with an 81 year old woman. Lack of impulse control may well be in there, as well as the fact that ONE of these people is her much loved daughter and the other person someone she has little personal connection to. That doesn't make it right, but it does help with understanding why she would say such a thing.

There is also the possibility, seen on occasion, that people can go to church their entire life, yet never get the message.

Just try to focus on your own situation, send the best of wishes and prayers out to your brother and his friend, and all the rest of us will wish for the best for all of you. Who knows how your mother actually meant the comment? She may have been under the impression that he was suffering terribly and had no hope for recovery, so could take an objective (even if somewhat unfeeling) attitude. But, it's no time, with all you have on your plate, to worry about her. Just focus on your own recovery, wishes for your brother's friend to do well, and let your mother and brother deal between them with her comments.

It's very sad that your brother couldn't elicite the same sort of caring from your mother for his friend, as she seems willing to have for you, and very hurtful to him, to be sure, but that may be the reality, sad as it is.

[Susan]

I came away with the thought that you mother thinks it would be kinder for someone not to continue to suffer if they are very bad off, not that she didn't care. I've felt that way myself regarding someone who is clearly suffering horribly and can get no relief. Sometimes the kindest sthing is to pray for relief of suffering even if that means through death.

[reader99]

The last couple weeks of my DHs life, it would have made no sense to pray for or want him to live any longer. There comes a point where it's time to let go. In DH's case we all felt he was going to a better place and would have been selfish and crazy to want him to stay here anylonger in the condition he was in. (throat cancer) Could be your mom was in touch with that idea, without expressing it as well as could have been.

[Yppej]

Maybe she is thinking if she were in that situation, she would feel hopelss and not want to suffer and projecting that on to him. I'm sorry this is stressing you.

[Wildflower]

I have to admit here that I have prayed for three very sick people in my life that I loved very much to die - because they were suffering terribly and there was no chance of recovery. I wanted nothing more than for God to release them from their misery and pain. It was also what they wanted at that point too.
I personally think your Mother meant well, and after living a long life she has seen alot.... I can also understand why this would upset you....
Please let it go and concentrate on getting yourself well. Negative emotions never help.
Someday, I imagine that I may be praying for my own death and wanting others to pray for that as well....

[CatsNK]

I agree with Wildflower and others who have expressed that sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is to pray for someone's suffering to end. I volunteer for Hospice and I'm very upfront that I pray for some of the patients I work with to die. They need to die - they want to die - they are in extreme discomfort and in terrible living conditions. An end to their suffering is the best possible outcome. I hope that people I express this to don't see me as some kind of monster but if they do, so be it.

I'm sorry your mother's comments hurt you at this difficult time for you. I hope you are able to let it go and move on with your relationship with her.

I should add that I recently spoke with my sister, a doctor in an oncology practice, about how rare it is for cancer patients to even know that they are dying. Oncologists are reluctant to tell patients because of reactions like yours - "I don't want him to die." Either the patient themselves or the family can't face reality at the end of life. All living things die. IMO, better to prepare for death than "go out fighting".

[Tenngal]

I also think that she said this because this is what she would want for herself in this situation. Probably better left unsaid.

[rodeosweetheart]

Hi Nan, I have been away from the b oards and did not know you had been sick, so first off, best thoughts and prayers to you for healing!
I hear you and certainly can see why your mom's odd comments would make you feel angry. My mom was always saying things like that and I felt angry and hurt too. Then I realized that she was getting old, and losing her grip, and her personality was changing, and she was not really responsible in the same way she was when she was younger--she just could not help it. I am sure seeing you ill tears her heart out, and she probably does say some weird, dumb, hurtful things.

Anyway, God sorts out all the prayers, I think, and it is impossible for any harm to come of her hapless prayer for Fritz--since God is good, and all the weird, odd, hurtful things are maya, God will see the good in it, and I think there is no harm in her praying for you, as well--does that make sense at all?

Peace and loving thoughts to you, Nan
Rodeosweetheart (the artist formerly known as Gudsfred)

[Karma]

You have no control over what other people say so you shouldn't be embarrassed over what your mom has said to your brother. This is a hard lesson to learn.