overly sensitive/ compassionate

[Zoe Girl]

So I have a hard time, up and down. Not sure it is any harder than anyone else but you know it is my hard time. I have had 2 12 hours days this week and it really affects me deeply. My sup was informed at the beginning of the school year that I have a medical condition (bipolar II) because there was a time while getting used to medication that I may have had some problems. I doubt she has thought about it again. However a large reason these very long days are difficult is because I need a very regular schedule, and mental health issues are difficult. I tend to focus on the fact I have kept me and my children from hospitalizations, we work hard at it. Mostly I just hear about the data that is late, how I finally got the microwave clean, that my after school programs need higher registration, etc. i am sure it is not as negative as I feel it but I feel it anyway. My phrase i shared with one friend is I was born without skin, I have to purposefully put it on.

The less sleep I get the more sensitive I become. It is affecting work to some extent because it is so hard to handle some serious kid behavior issues and having to tell a family they were financially withdrawn and staff that i have to say is challenged by losing things, following directions consistently, etc. I just realized I have gone a few weeks without just sitting and crying! But today my friend called and her cancer is back and I have not answered the last time she called because I was so worn out from my day.

I meditate quite regularily, a lot of meditation is about developing compassion. I am over compassionate, I don't want to suspend or expell kids, I want reassurance when I have to be the bad guy, and I figured out I feel so deeply responsible for everything. Does anyone have meditation suggestions for having better boundaries? Just a stronger sense of separate self and appropriate responsibility.

[Valley]

Being bi-polar is so difficult. You feel that there is nothing you can't do when you're up, and that there is nothing you can do when you're down. And most times, the truth is somewhere in the middle. I wish that I had magic answers for you, but I don't...and I don't think that they exist. All I can say is that you have accomplished a lot for you and your children. Just hanging in there may be all that you can do when you are in a low. As I have told you before, I directed a large children's center for almost 20 years, and unfortunately I needed the data on my desk by the deadline, the microwave oven kept clean, and the after school program to sustain itself economically. But, much of this depended on me doing what I needed to do in providing resources and staffing. Does your Director give you the help that you need...or are you the Director? Both teaching and providing child care both are professions that entail seemingly "millions" of small details. Sadly, the details sometimes override the large picture issues of compassion and creativity. I continue to wish you well in your life. You are a good person!

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you, yes this is a stressful field! I can't argue any of the data I am required to give. What is stressful is the constant changing. For example there was paperwork due for the end of the month and on the 1st my supervisor added required information that I need to sit down and go over with my staff. We have some very important departmental issues so I need to sit down with them about that as well and it taeks precedence. The staff has lost paperwork over and over and generally needs a lot of being held accountable for the program. I have had 2 staff and both have serious corrective actions this year.

The major area I disagree with my supervisor on however is how much I feel I should be in programming to ensure quality. She is fine with me sitting in my office during program time and i am not, I do have the rest of the day to do paperwork. I think I set a high standard of personal communication with kids and families and I wish I had the enrollment to show that I do this. Out of 25 kids in our childcare I have 4 that could use specific behavior plans to prevent suspensions and expulsions. I work really hard at this yet I am nowhere near the grant requirement of 50 students.

The other issue is that I am the only site in our organization that is like mine, partially supported by parent fees and partially by a grant. So my supervisor does not know the parent fee portion and after one of those courageous conversations she started to learn it. So financially withdrawing a family is not something she deals with and I have been given some leeway but honestly I feel I am given a much larger job than a lot of people in the same position.

I just started following up on my director license I submitted a year ago. I have a masters in education and hours so I should be level 5 out of 6, which gives me some professional opportunity. However I don't have much to show for this year in the quality of my program or registration numbers,

I got off track, I am going to focus on eating well and watching my hours going over and just doing as much as i can in a day,

[awakenedsoul]

The hours sound unreasonable. It's so important to stay grounded. I put a lot of focus on getting enough sleep, eating well, gardening, cooking, and getting daily exercise. Your job sounds so stressful to me. It's too bad that things like organization and planning ahead have kind of been replaced by last minute chaos and craziness. I got out of teaching because I found it so frustrating. I hope you can find a healthier situation for yourself.
Clearing baths help, too. Up to a pound of baking soda and a pound of epsom salts. You soak for twenty mins. It clears the aura. Washing your hair is good for people who are hypersensitive, too.

[Xmac]

Zoe Girl,
as I see it compassion for others is hollow without compassion for oneself. Sympathy is very different from compassion. It's your suffering from what you see as others suffering. Compassion is being with another's suffering without suffering which allows one to be stronger, more helpful and present.

Try this meditation:
With as much clarity as you can conjure up, imagine that you are in a very stressful situation, the worst. Notice what you're doing, feeling, thinking, seeing etc. Notice others too. How do they look? What are they wearing? Etc. Then stop time so that everyone just freezes. Then think of someone who you respect, admire, and really inspires you. It can be anyone, living or dead, famous or not. They come to you and put their are around you and ask you if you're having a bad day and if you're okay? You can feel their warmth and wisdom like relaxing sunlight. Then you walk away from the situation as you tell them what's going on. They listen carefully. Imagine what they would say to you.

That one made me cry when I did. I chose Gandhi.
Next try this:

See yourself as a little kid suffering. Maybe you're being punished, picked on, disappointed, hurt. Again detail is very important. Feel the temperature, smells, background noises, etc. Walk over to yourself as a parent to console this young and innocent version of you and let them know how you know everything will work out. Give yourself mini-self a hug and look into your eyes with the knowing you have now but couldn't have had then. Next, imagine an older and wiser you coming to you now in your most trying suffering. What would you say as an elder to help you now? Let that caring elder who knows you better than anyone show you the way. She's with you now.

[Valley]

I'm going to try this Xmac with a situation I am hurting with now. I don't normally meditate, but the process you described "sings" to me. Thanks!

[chord_ata]

Zoe, I think you have the wrong definition of the compassion that comes out of meditation. You might also be too much in a hurry to get results out of your meditation.

The compassion comes out of awareness. Sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is nothing at all.

If you have not done so yet, read "Everday Zen". I think it is the best book I have read about the process of growth that happens through meditation.

[lhamo]

I think there is a difference between empathy and compassion. Some people are just naturally extremely empathetic -- meaning very sensitive to the vibes/emotions of other people. It can be a visceral, very reactive response. And also very difficult to channel productively because your own emotional responses are often the first thing to come out.

Compassion is different, as chord-ata notes above.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you all, good ideas. I am going on a 2 day retreat next weekend so I will ask the teacher as well. I suppose I do get things mixed up, I realize how tired and underfed I have been the last 2 weeks as well, not good meditations either. Lots of lack of time to really get the practice in, maybe it is more missing meditation than getting it. But I kinda chuckled at the quick results, I have been doing this over 25 years so I joke with new people that the first decade is the hardest.

I got a good night's sleep and I have a chance of getting caught up again which helps.

[Xmac]

I'm going to try this Xmac with a situation I am hurting with now. I don't normally meditate, but the process you described "sings" to me. Thanks!

You're very welcome Valley. Yeah, when words on a screen sing to you...that's resonance all right!

[dogmom]

A helpful imagery meditation is to focus on developing a semi permeable force field or bubble around yourself. Anything which is wise (including tough love) can go out from you to others and anything which is useful to you from other people can pass through the bubble and reach your heart. Anything which needs to stay inside yourself cannot penetrate the bubble and similarly, anything which is harmful to you from the outside will just bounce off it. It will just seem to happen all by itself... the bubble contains everything which is wise and powerful to accomplish this wonderful protective function... whilst at the same time you can be open to others when this is useful to you.