we screwed up

[Zoe Girl]

And I just don;t know where to feel responsible and where to put it off. So yeah, I have to go post a bond for my daughter because we missed her court date in January to show we really did have insurance on the car she was driving.

Okay I didn't remember the court date, I didn't have an insurance card in the car and I didn't pay a ticket on time for her or for me. I have already been through all this once and then she got another little accident. She is soooo angry right now, I am soooo hurt that I knew it was more than I could handle to have her drive but no one else would do anything for her, it is so long and complicated andI am scared and ashamed to go handle this with bail bonds and court and all this. It is really more than my chronically depressed brain can deal with.

I will let you know how it goes.

[redfox]

Oh honey. It's hard when we miss important dates and screw up - especially with a depressed brain. (((hugs))).

[Valley]

Hang in there Zoe Girl!! You have a lot for one soul to handle. You need your ex to help carry some of this burden. I hope that you don't get too down on yourself. You're doing the best you can. Again, hang in there. I'm pulling for you!

[RosieTR]

Sorry this happened to you, Zoe Girl. However, I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect a girl old enough to drive to remember a court date so you may be able to delegate these sorts of things to the kids. Also for situations in the future, there may be a free online program that will email you a reminder for various things (or heck, set up an evite for yourself and daughter) which may help. I do this at work when there's something kind of far off that I'm likely to forget...email program reminds me a day or two ahead when I can build it into my schedule. Hope that helps and that the court stuff works out.

[chrisgermany]

I am so sorry for that, but as said before:
Do not accept anybody to be mad at YOU. Old enought to drive means old enought to be responsible, too.
She did not have the insurance card in the car when she was driving, she did not remember nor remind you of the court date, and she did not care about the ticket.

[reader99]

I use www.memotome.com (http://www.memotome.com) for reminders, including some so basic that a lot of people would say it was silly. I like the feature that lets me send myself x number of reminders at x intervals before the event, so I have plenty of time to pull together what I will need.

[Zoe Girl]

thank you all, this is much nicer than I expected. I kinda expected to hear that she shouldn't drive at all. I have tried that, cutting down to just essential family driving and for babysitting jobs but it is still once or twice a week. So we need to work this out still. The hardest thing between us right now is still how the house was treated last summer when i was trying to sell and every day I came home and it was trashed. My kids are accepting no responsibility for that and continue to argue that it was not bad, I couldn't make them keep it that clean, nothing was fair, etc. It is relevant because I was handling that mess and losing the house and trying to find papers etc, during the move and foreclosure when she got the first ticket. Maybe if they had listened and either cleaned or spent time at boyfriend or dads house then it would have been handled.

The bond thing was at the jail downtown and it wasn't as scary as I thought, I only got a ticket after 35 and have never had this much problem so it is all new to me. I think my daughter should be super glad i am so conservative financially because I had money accessible in savings for this. When we make the court date and get the money mailed back I am getting the highest interest one year CD to put it in because I have really wanted to do that with chunks of the savings I have.

I am really going to look into those memo things. I have an old palm pda that I love but it is getting older and they don't make them anymore. i have a phone upgrade and wonder if the palm pre will talk to my pda and hold the old information. I have it backed up on my computer but I need it accesible. I would use that memo program to remember to pay bills and when is the next date I can dye my hair, LOL. I have dark brown with a slight purple tint in it.

[bagelgirl]

On a practical note, every year I get a cheap or free calender and hang it on the refrigerator. I am in there several hundred times per day. Okay, slight exaggeration. I'm glancing at it all day long and I almost never miss anything important.

Just a though for future help.

[Anne Lee]

So sorry you are going through this. I hope this helps your daughter see that she MUST step up and assume her basic life maintenance. Jail is a pretty hardcore consequence.

Be sure to let her know that your ability to backstop some of these situations gets less and less as she gets older and it has nothing to do with your love or regard for her. Adults simply cannot be parented because they retain too much autonomy. In the same way she outgrew the need for you to feed and diaper her, she socially is outgrowing the need for you to fix her problems (even if she's emotionally not quite there yet). It's Just The Way It Is. Let her know that you believe in her, regardless of her mistakes or illness but you are going to have start carrying her less and less over the next few years. It may feel like you are throwing her to the wolves, but I promise you, you aren't.

That late adolescent/early adult phase is scary in that children really, really don't want their parents' input but the consequences of letting things fall through the cracks can be huge. I have one mostly through (23), one more than half way through (20) and one just starting out. (17). I'll be relieved when they are all done.