View Full Version : Is It Really Possible To Change One's Hardwiring? Long....
I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately and being by myself, accepting the fact that I am very much a loner and introvert who sometimes likes to be out and about with other people doing things. The best thing is that I am finally starting to achieve some sort of balance with it that instead of being all one way or another...
Which brings me to my next item to ponder ~ I am seemingly hardwired to be very attracted to men that cannot give me much of anything back, which is exactly how my father is and was as I was growing up ~ emotionally distant, not really connected to us kids, etc....in examining my past relationships, I have always fallen for those types of guys (and even married one), though the last real relationship I was in the guy was so attentive it was so absolutely suffocating to me after awhile I had to end it (there were other mitigating circumstances as well).
For awhile I was madly in love and attracted to one of my best friends, a guy who is half my age, which means he's unavailable due to the age difference. I finally had to put my foot down and let him know that his mixed signals towards me sexually were getting very frustrating and we needed to get past that issue for once and for all, which we seem to have done recently. He remains one of my closest confidants to this day. Lately, I have let myself get sort of involved with someone closer to my own age, but he's married, hence unavailable again. Without going into gory detail, we are very flirtatious/physical with each other and this dance has been going on for several months now. I certainly don't want him to leave his wife for me because frankly, even though I am very attracted to him, he would totally undermine all the good work I have been doing on myself as of late because he is a drinker/smoker/adulterer; however, I am soooo hard-wired to find this type of guy exciting! Argggghhhh! Even though I am an introvert, I have a WILD STREAK a mile long (Bi-Polar 2) that can and does get me into trouble from time and time.
So I sit here and wonder if, when, and how I will ever be attracted to what I think would be a boring, middle-of-the-road type of guy. I am very quirky, kind of unusual artist/musician out-of-the-box type of woman, rife with contradictions and convictions.
P.S. I actually got asked out on a dinner-date type of thing for the first time in a long time by another musician (younger by only eleven years!) last Saturday. I am kind of afraid in a way, it's been so long! I am so used to being a "free agent" doing whatever I want, whenever I want, that to actually MAKE PLANS with someone causes a little anxiety. I prefer just running into people here and there and then deciding if I want to go with the flow...
Well, I just needed to get that all out, feel free to comment, commiserate, etc....
loosechickens
3-1-11, 7:34pm
It IS possible to change, but it's likely to require professional counseling and some very deep looks inward at the buried reasons why you keep following this pattern in your life.
It's in many ways similar to the way that domestic violence perpetrators and victims seem unerringly to find each other. It probably IS connected to your relationship with your father, and your own self image, etc., perhaps a thrill seeking personality, etc.
A lot depends on whether you really WANT this to change or if you fear that life just wouldn't be exciting enough if you did.
It is possible to be quirky, kind of unusual and an out of the box type of woman without being attracted to men who are going to let you down, be unavailable, and in general, be really poor partner material. The two things don't necessarily go together. (We haven't been called the Loose Chickens for many years for nothing).
At least you're beginning to realize your patterns, which is a good first step, and it also sounds like you are tired of living this same old pattern, but can't figure out how to get out of it because the "steady" men just won't be interesting enough. Time to sit down with someone who's seen this pattern before, and before, and before, etc., to help give you the tools to find a path to a better way of interacting and forming relationships.
Good luck to you.....I know you've been trying for a while to step out of this role you've set for yourself in the past.
There's a difference between being hard wired and conditioned. It sounds like you have been conditioned to be attracted to unavailable men. That can change.
A good place to start would be to knock it off with the married guy. Today. Let him go play his game with someone else.
I agree with the two previous posts. Just because similar things keep repeating for you doesn't mean they are 'hard-wired'. You are caught in a dysfunctional pattern that can be changed, but will take some real work on your part.
Ditch the married guy - he's only using you.
The problem with "unavailable" men is--given the right incentive--they can suddenly become available. This can be a problem. You break it, you buy it.
Ahhhhhh good old intimacy issues. You think you are hardwired to pick guys who are unavailable when it is actually you who isn't available. That works, until it doesn't. I kept that pattern up for 20 years. Took me a long time to realize I was only comfortable with somebody as long as there was some type of barrier physical or emotional barrier.
Wow, you guys! Great fodder for more thought! I don't have a lot of time right now as I am getting ready for work, but interesting stuff to think about today...
I have always realized that I am being used by him and have accepted it for the most part but in the same sense I am also using him for one of my "cheap thrills." And it is a convenient way to avoid a real relationship, of which I am scared to death of...it also suits my loner-ism because he isn't hanging around me ALL the time. However,I realize there is a potentially greater and more satisfying way to live in the future if I can get past this stuff.
Baby steps...thank god this guy has a job that takes him out of town for weeks on end. It makes it much easier to figure this out when I'm not tempted all the time!
The problem with "unavailable" men is--given the right incentive--they can suddenly become available. This can be a problem. You break it, you buy it.
This is so droll I am dying laughing at the truism of it.
There's a lot of good advice here in a nutshell.
This is so droll I am dying laughing at the truism of it.
There's a lot of good advice here in a nutshell.
Indeed; I am the Yoda of malfunctioning dalliances. (Dang. Where's that wizened old guru smiley?)
it definitely starts with realizing that you're *not* hard-wired for anything. there may be certain ruts laid in your psyche by the past, but they don't have to determine your future!
i changed what i thought was hardwiring a lot a few years ago. i always used to make dumb-ass decisions when it came to men. like you, i went after "exciting" guys who partied, made me laugh, and sometimes were involved with other women. i sort of divided guys into 2 piles: exciting guys who gave me troubles, and boring guys who i could never be attracted to.
i kept playing out the same drama with different men over years, and it started getting really old. and i kept wondering, "why do i do this?" and i talked about it with my friends: "why does this keep happening to me?" over and over again. FOR YEARS.
as i was getting involved with my spiritual community a few years ago, i decided that i didn't need to obsess over WHY i was doing dumb stuff, i could just stop. and so i did. i stopped returning phone calls and flirting with younger guys. and i spent several months reading about women's history and the way we are conditioned to behave. and i started to see how it was operating in me.
when i was hooking up with unsuitable guys, what i thought -- what we are taught from the word "go" as females -- was that i wasn't complete on my own, and what would fix me must be found in someone else. what was really creepy was how the strength of this desire had made me strangely un-picky and way too willing to twist the reality of a person into my fantasy of the one was going to make me complete. scary stuff!
anyway ... it took a lot of work which is still ongoing, but i got to a new place with all of this. i understand deeply that finding a man is not the purpose of my life. nor is being with any particular person going to fundamentally change me. what i allow myself to become -- whether i ever find someone or not -- is entirely my responsibility.
there was a period of mourning when i realized all this. i was mourning the loss of the dream in which someone or something outside of myself would come along and make it all better, make *me* all better. but in reality, that is up to me and me alone. and realizing that changes everything.
going through this process, i started to see the guys i was hooking up with and the partying i was doing differently. it didn't look like fun anymore, more just like a ride i'd ridden on more than enough times ... a distraction from figuring out what i really wanted to be and do in this life.
and i started looking at an old friend and realizing that i admired him and that his qualities -- his character, responsibility, kindness, intelligence -- made him super hot. not one of the faceless "unexciting" masses, but a really fun person who also happens to be someone i can rely on, and who inspires me to grow as an individual.
and it's waaaaay better than married-man hookups. i promise you.
but it starts with renouncing the pattern. you don't have to have some big epiphany about your dad or why you do this or whatever. you can just stop doing it. in my experience, that's when the epiphanies really get going.
good luck to you, siouxsie. i also have to say that i think you're kind of awesome. you've been through a lot these last few years and it's amazing that you're in a stable and secure enough place that you can start to look at yourself like this.
Oh thank you, Madgeylou, what an inspiring post you wrote! I am in exactly the place you are describing; a kind of sit back and take stock place (it helps that it is cold as heck around here lately and all I want to do is domesticate/hibernate and vegetate on the sofa, though happily so)! I feel like a totally different person than I was a year ago when I couldn't STAND being at home alone and ended up going out all the time and partying it up. At age 49, my physical body simply cannot keep up with the pace anyway, and I was getting very bored and depressed about all the time I was wasting trying to be an extrovert when I am not.
My mantra these days is I am not going to do ANYTHING I don't really feel like doing, which allows me to stay home when I am tired, putz around the house and be content with the moment. What an awesome concept in itself ~ I am rarely, if ever, content but the last two months since embarking on this new way of living I stop every once in a while and just smile to myself and say, I am content RIGHT now. It's always when I am honoring my true self by being good to my physical body, reading, making new recipes, etc. I have so much more balance now and even if I do let it tip a little to the wild side every once in awhile, I make sure to counter it with more of the good stuff. Basically, I am not running away much anymore. And it is not a coincidence that it is in tune with my daughter getting better at the same time ~ she just celebrated 30 days of sobriety yesterday (she's been making a two-step-forward, one-step-back kind of progress). She is going to community college, has had some seasonal part-time work and is trying to get her life on track ~ last year at this time I was convinced I was going to loose her for good....such scary stuff but we've hung in there and are both getting better!
I just want to thank you all for being here; I don't post much because most of the time I am too lazy to write but I have been on these boards for at least 7 years or so and I check them everyday. You guys keep me grounded and remind me on a daily basis of the goals I set for myself; however much I sabotage myself, I always come back here for inspiration! You guys rock!
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