View Full Version : A questionable gift...wondering what to do?
My mother recently bought a new car. She really, really wanted to give me her old car (by old I mean it's about 10 years old). I didn't really want it, for a number of reasons I won't go into right now as they're not exactly relevant.
We had some concerns about how well-maintained the car was. She seemed to have an idiot for a mechanic in the past. She was very concerned, however, about turning the car over to me in "good shape" and was going to have her guy look it over. We offered to have OUR guy look it over--at least he is not an idiot.
Well, we were supposed to take the car to our guy today--and yesterday it wouldn't start and it started making a peculiar noise. My partner is pretty good with vehicles, and he went outside and did some diagnostics (it was dark by the time we discovered this, and he tried to do his best with a light etc.)
It may be the alternator and the battery. It may be something more serious. Partner is checking into it today.
I'm kind of miffed as I don't really have much money (if it needs major repairs, we've already agreed it's getting the deep six), can't really afford a second car and feel a bit like I've been ripped off. I'm not saying my mom turned the car over knowing that there was s/thing wrong. But Jeezum Crow, I can't even get the thing to the mechanic to determine if there IS something major. Now I'm probably a couple hundred bucks in the hole.
So here's the situation: She'll be sure to be asking me how I'm doing with the car. Do I tell her we couldn't even get it to the mechanic (she knows we had an appt. today)? Should I ask to be reimbursed for the repair?
Yes, of course, I realize if I had bought the car from a stranger, I'd be totally responsible for the repairs. But the thing is: I would not have bought a car, I can't afford to buy a car, and my mother is not a stranger.
:(:(:(
"Mom, thank you very much for thinking of us in giving us your old car. Yes, we did have a problem getting it to a mechanic. After thinking it over, though, Partner and I are reconsidering our need for a car -- and the expenses that come with it. Is there someone else you know who might appreciate getting a good deal on your old car?"
Then move on. It's not clear to me that you've expressed high interest in buying a car; it's no lie to say that you and Partner are reconsidering how much of your time and money you want to put toward a vehicle. You know you don't want this one. Get rid of this one and then get what you want. I wouldn't even ask about reimbursement. Consider it the price paid for not standing your ground when you could have.
I agree with Steve. Additionally, a gift is a gift. l learned long ago that once I give a gift I have no say in how it is received or disposed of. The person who received the gift (the car in this situation) can do whatever they wish to do with it....fix it, sell, trade it in. My lesson...I gave my father a car and he sold it for a hefty profit. Initially I was upset but then thinking logically, ownership transferred to him and as the legal owner he could choose to do with it as he wished. A gift has no conditions attached to it.
"Mom, thank you very much for thinking of us in giving us your old car. Yes, we did have a problem getting it to a mechanic. After thinking it over, though, Partner and I are reconsidering our need for a car -- and the expenses that come with it. Is there someone else you know who might appreciate getting a good deal on your old car?"
Then move on. It's not clear to me that you've expressed high interest in buying a car; it's no lie to say that you and Partner are reconsidering how much of your time and money you want to put toward a vehicle. You know you don't want this one. Get rid of this one and then get what you want. I wouldn't even ask about reimbursement. Consider it the price paid for not standing your ground when you could have.
+1
Nothing to add, except maybe get it fixed (if it's not a huge expense) and then turn it around and sell it and try to recoup the money.
Thanks for your advice. I was initially concerned that my mother would be offended if I were to sell the car. I tried to talk her into keeping it herself, or trading it in toward the new car but she was adamant that she wanted to give it to me.
That said, this particular car isn't all that great on mileage around town (highway is different but I don't do much hwy. driving). It's nice to have a "backup" if the main car craps out, naturally. But I have to take into consideration all the hassle that a second car represents. It's not even a "fun car" to drive. It's an "old lady car" LOL.
Kind of sad, b/c she's under the impression she was doing me a great favor. She keeps going on about what a great car it is, how comfortable it is to sit in it and how much use she's sure I'll get out of it. I feel like saying, "If it was so great, why didn't YOU keep it?" I even tried to talk her into THAT. But she think ssince my partner is good with mechanical stuff that he can take better care of it than she. In other words, what I hear her saying is, "Stuff's gonna start going wrong with this, and I don't want to pay someone to fix it, so I'll give it to you, since your partner is 'good with mechanical stuff.'" >8)
What strange hidden messages people have in their little speeches.
Reminds me of my mother---she gets talked into buying stuff from the @#$%$ Schwan's salesman. THEN she says to one of us who have unsuspectedly dropped by for a visit, "Oh, here, take this stuff. I don't really like/want it."
Gee thanks.
iris lilies
9-9-13, 9:11pm
... but then thinking logically...
there ya go! That's always an excellent idea.
rodeosweetheart
9-9-13, 9:45pm
You could donate the car and get the tax write off, or she could if she still owns it.
If you don't want a second car, don't take it! Second cars are very expensive:)
Steve said it perfectly. I am in the process of selling several of my dad's various vehicles. He would love it if we wanted any of them but we don't. He didn't take care of them and some had been sitting out in the elements growing mold. Told him that it was better that they went to somebody who wanted them and would give them the care they deserved. Sometimes a gift is not a gift......
Hi, folks!
I have an update on this one. And am looking for a reality check.
As Catherine said, get it fixed if it's not a huge expense.
We had it checked out and (as far as I know, so far) it needs $800 worth of front end work.
Folks, I don't have a spare $800 sitting around. Now, here's the reality check question: Is this a huge car bill? Because it is to me. I've NEVER put that much money into a car (aside from rebuilding an engine in an otherwise perfect car, years ago).
Of course, if I don't put the money into it, and I try to sell it, I want to be honest with the buyer and let them know there's an issue. It probably should not be driven in present condition, either (except a short test drive, perhaps). This means I'll get less money for the car.
I'm a bit reluctant to borrow the money to put into the car in the off chance that I'll be able to sell it at the price I'd like to sell it at. It's not a guarantee that someone will buy it--esp. with winter coming on.
What do you think? Is $800 "nothing"?
P.S. I have not told my mother that her "gift" will cost me. I understand that people need to put money into cars, but this was a total shock and since I didn't really want/need a second car...I just don't know what to do. I know I'm getting more upset about this than I should.
goldensmom
9-25-13, 3:46pm
In my experience with car repairs, $800.00 is not huge unless you either don't have the money or don't want/need the car and in either of those cases, it is huge. I consider car repairs minor compared to truck, tractor or machinary repairs but I'm not happy about any repairs regardless the cost.
If you still don't want or need a second car, call your mom and tell her about the repair and the safety issues.
I am sure that she does not want you to drive and unsafe car. Let her decide if she wants to donate it to a charity (they will pick it up normally), sell to a liquidator, try to sell herself, get it fixed and have her pay for it or ..........
It is not an abnormal cost. But it might be best to get a second opinion since we had a couple of shops that always quoted for unnecessary repairs that our dealer told us were clearly not needed. There are also those small independent places that do a good job for less if you can find them. We keep our cars in good repair and even then, sometimes the brake pads need to be fixed, an occasional part can wear out, a chuck hole can damage part of the suspension, tires need to be replaced, etc. Car repair is no longer a $25 or $50 item unless you do the labor yourself. And you yourself told us she did not properly maintain a car.
Get some balls and call her or visit her.
We utterly trust our mechanic so that's not an issue. It is an indy shop that we've been using for years and have never had any issues at all.
My partner says there are a couple ways this car got into this condition. One is neglect on the part of my mother. Another is rip-off from her mechanic. There was a third but I forgot it. :|(
I am pretty sure I am going to tell her what happened. After all, if I'm going to get rid of it, and she's going to be asking me how the car is doing/how we're making out with it, I'm going to have to say something. Like, "Mom, I have some bad news. You know the car you gave me? Well, as it turns out, it needs nearly a thousand in repairs. And I just don't have the money to take care of those repairs. So I am going to have to sell it."
And take it from there.
I'm sure she didn't do this deliberately. I think she honestly thought she was giving me something with "many more miles to go." But man, what a slap in the face this has been.
goldensmom, we've always gotten by on the cheap with cars. Have been able to barter or sometimes do the work ourselves. That's why this is such a rude surprise.
If you still don't want or need a second car, call your mom and tell her about the repair and the safety issues.
I am sure that she does not want you to drive and unsafe car. Let her decide if she wants to donate it to a charity (they will pick it up normally), sell to a liquidator, try to sell herself, get it fixed and have her pay for it or ..........
It is not an abnormal cost. But it might be best to get a second opinion since we had a couple of shops that always quoted for unnecessary repairs that our dealer told us were clearly not needed. There are also those small independent places that do a good job for less if you can find them. We keep our cars in good repair and even then, sometimes the brake pads need to be fixed, an occasional part can wear out, a chuck hole can damage part of the suspension, tires need to be replaced, etc. Car repair is no longer a $25 or $50 item unless you do the labor yourself. And you yourself told us she did not properly maintain a car.
Get some balls and call her or visit her.
In the scheme of things, $800 for parts and work performed by someone you trust is not that expensive -- it's a couple of car payments anymore. Certainly if my car (10 years old; 100,000 miles) needed an $800 fix, I would do it because the rest of the car is up to another 100,000 miles as far as I know, having been well-cared for by people who knew what they were doing (which, sometimes, even includes me). In fact, last month, the car ran me about $1100 to repair a frozen alternator and replace the timing belt and water pump. I swallowed when I got the bill, but it needed to be done and I won't have to think about either item for another 100,000 miles.
But for a car you're not even sure you wanted before the $800 bill arrived? It's real money and you should not be paying it. Let your mom know that a mechanic you trust looked over the car and it needs $800 in repairs before it is again safe to drive. And that you don't have that kind of money (if that will not trigger in her the impulse to pay for it) and/or that you don't need a car so badly. Present the alternatives sweetana3 listed and leave it in your mother's hands. You didn't want the car before, you most likely are no more interested in having it now. So thank her for the thought but let it be her problem, not yours.
Good advice, Stevie.
One more thing: I see that in my earlier posts, I was not clear about something: I already own the car.
If the car were still hers, I wouldn't be half as upset. But it's now mine.
So I'm kind of an in awkward situation.
That said, do I STILL tell her about the big bill?
Well, you did not listen and accepted the car. I would probably not tell her because now it will create a bigger issue. It is your car and now you get to decide what to do about it. Repair or sell is your decision.
If she asks say something like "Mom, I found out that car needed lots and lots of expensive repair to be safe. I ............".
There is nothing she can do about it and in my eyes, safety trumps everything.
It really is JUST A CAR not a prized heirloom from past generations. You are going to get rid of it sometime somewhere
SteveinMN
9-26-13, 10:19am
If you already own the car, then I guess the decision gets based on 1) do you even have $800 to throw at the car; 2) is it possible to make it safe/roadworthy (if not whole) with less money; 3) is it worth it to you financially to donate the car for a break on your income taxes; and 4) is there more than $800 difference in the typical sale price of the car if it's fixed (for example, if the car is only worth $1500 in good shape, maybe not, but if it's worth $6000 used, maybe so).
... What strange hidden messages people have in their little speeches.
Here is the perfect opportunity to change this family of origin pattern! Steve is spot on. And, tell her about the bill only if she asks. Take full responsibility for it, as you incurred it. How do you want to use this opportunity to start being kindly honest with her, so that the next time, you don't agree to something you didn't want to?
I "did not listen" to whom? The posts in this thread? I had already owned the car by the time I started posting here. I wasn't clear about that, but I have owned the car for a month, and the problem with the battery/alternator happened exactly one week after I took ownership.
Well, you did not listen and accepted the car. I would probably not tell her because now it will create a bigger issue. It is your car and now you get to decide what to do about it. Repair or sell is your decision.
If she asks say something like "Mom, I found out that car needed lots and lots of expensive repair to be safe. I ............".
There is nothing she can do about it and in my eyes, safety trumps everything.
It really is JUST A CAR not a prized heirloom from past generations. You are going to get rid of it sometime somewhere
She has asked about the car and bills pertaining to it. When she signed it over, we knew there was a brake line issue. We told her we'd take it to our own mechanic and let her know what the cost was. She was originally going to take it to HER mechanic, but as I have said, he's an idiot and we don't want him working on the car. So therefore, she DOES know there are issues--just not issues THIS BIG.
If I had the $800, it certainly would make things less complicated. Though I didn't really want the car, we figured, "Hey, it's a free car." I just wasn't expecting that I was going to have to put major dollars into it just to make it safely drivable.
We talked about it last night and figured it would be best to tell her what's going on--whether we keep the car or not. I feel she should know that she was driving around in a dangerous condition--maybe she ought to consider changing mechanics, if nothing else!
Here is the perfect opportunity to change this family of origin pattern! Steve is spot on. And, tell her about the bill only if she asks. Take full responsibility for it, as you incurred it. How do you want to use this opportunity to start being kindly honest with her, so that the next time, you don't agree to something you didn't want to?
iris lilies
9-26-13, 4:36pm
I don't understand your dilemma.
You don't have $800 to repair the car. You don't especially want the car, anyway. For heaven's sake, sell the car for whatever you can get for it, certainly mention the problem your mechanic told you about. You get some much needed cash in your pocket. The end.
and for mom the message is: Thanks so much mom for your gift, but it had a problem and I can't afford to fix it, so I sold it. Thanks so much, mom, for your gift." Repeat as necessary.
I don't understand your dilemma.
You don't have $800 to repair the car. You don't especially want the car, anyway. For heaven's sake, sell the car for whatever you can get for it, certainly mention the problem your mechanic told you about. You get some much needed cash in your pocket. The end.
and for mom the message is: Thanks so much mom for your gift, but it had a problem and I can't afford to fix it, so I sold it. Thanks so much, mom, for your gift." Repeat as necessary.
I agree.
And I might do it BEFORE I sell it, just to make it less of a surprise, and to give her the opportunity to take it back and take the tax writeoff.
And then I'd thank her for the gesture, and forget about it.
But that's just me. I don't play into my family members' guilt trips any more, and I don't create any of my own. This isn't a slap in the face; it just didn't work out. You don't want it, can't afford it, don't want to deal with it. You're a grownup: trust in your own decisions and let it go.
I agree.
And I might do it BEFORE I sell it, just to make it less of a surprise, and to give her the opportunity to take it back and take the tax writeoff.
And then I'd thank her for the gesture, and forget about it.
But that's just me. I don't play into my family members' guilt trips any more, and I don't create any of my own. This isn't a slap in the face; it just didn't work out. You don't want it, can't afford it, don't want to deal with it. You're a grownup: trust in your own decisions and let it go.
+1 Well said
frugalone
9-29-13, 11:24am
Could someone explain: What tax write-off?
ToomuchStuff
9-29-13, 11:36am
I believe they are referring to giving her back the car so she could donate it to a charity that sells/auctions cars off.
SteveinMN
9-29-13, 11:43am
ToomuchStuff is correct. There are organizations -- Goodwill, for example -- which will take the car, document the donation (though the donor establishes a value for the vehicle), and then sell it as-is to someone willing to fix what ails it or to use it for parts (or target practice; I don't think they care). We donated a car several years ago to a vocational school that teaches people how to be mechanics/auto body repair specialists/etc.; they fund the school by selling the vehicles repaired by the students.
frugalone
9-29-13, 11:58am
Oh, OK--yes, we often hear public radio ads about doing that sort of thing. Thanks for explaining!
My sis got her car repaired at the local community college training program. It took some time, but she saved a bundle.
frugalone
11-19-13, 2:21pm
Update on this: Would you believe we never got a final estimate from the mechanic? He must be up to his ears in work.
My mother and I have plans to go out this weekend, and in a roundabout way, the issue of the car came up. I had never said anything to her. Every time my SO and I discussed the car, we came out with a different decision or ended up arguing about it. He thinks we should keep it; I'm not sure we should.
Anyway, she kind of came out and asked me if it was out of commission. So I just sent her an email explaining the whole situation. I don't know why, but I'm kind of shaking and feeling panicky and scared. Maybe because it's been such an issue of contention in our household? Maybe I'm afraid she's going to get mad at me? (Though she doesn't have grounds to).
Growing up in an alcoholic family still has quite a hold on me. I pray for strength.
I want to thank you guys for listening and offering your opinions and advice on this issue.
Hugs to you Frugalone- that shaky, panicky and scared feeling is dreadful. Hugs again and again until this is resolved.
Hi, folks!
I have an update on this one. And am looking for a reality check.
As Catherine said, get it fixed if it's not a huge expense.
We had it checked out and (as far as I know, so far) it needs $800 worth of front end work.
Folks, I don't have a spare $800 sitting around. Now, here's the reality check question: Is this a huge car bill? Because it is to me. I've NEVER put that much money into a car (aside from rebuilding an engine in an otherwise perfect car, years ago).
Of course, if I don't put the money into it, and I try to sell it, I want to be honest with the buyer and let them know there's an issue. It probably should not be driven in present condition, either (except a short test drive, perhaps). This means I'll get less money for the car.
I'm a bit reluctant to borrow the money to put into the car in the off chance that I'll be able to sell it at the price I'd like to sell it at. It's not a guarantee that someone will buy it--esp. with winter coming on.
What do you think? Is $800 "nothing"?
P.S. I have not told my mother that her "gift" will cost me. I understand that people need to put money into cars, but this was a total shock and since I didn't really want/need a second car...I just don't know what to do. I know I'm getting more upset about this than I should.
On a ten year old car you didn't really want, $800 is not nothing. When my '98 Chevy needed $1200 worth of work I junked it and got $300 for it. I learned to call around several junkyards - the first one I called only offered $200.
sweetana3
11-20-13, 7:59pm
Donor's no longer establish the value of a donated vehicle. The nonprofit sells it and the selling price is provided to the donor. We just went thru this and most organizations are very familiar with what is needed to establish value.
It was amazing that they were able to get $500 for a totaled car with 200,000 miles on it.
Someone crumpled the rear fender of my 2004 Matrix in the parking lot and the insurance company gave me a check for $3300 to get it fixed. $800 is indeed "nothing" in the car economy. However, the car economy has nothing to do with real people. $800 is also a month's food and utilities, or a rent payment, or potentially hundreds of dollars in interest you wouldn't be paying on a credit card.
I really do understand and sympathize with crazy-mom syndrome, whether it's alcohol related or not. In my family, it's extremely important to emphasize the wonderfulness of the giver even as you're calmly passing the annoying gift on to someone else. That was so thoughtful of you, that was so generous, I really appreciate how you're trying to help us out, thank you so much for thinking of me. ... For all you know, that's exactly why she gave you the car, so why not tell yourself a story that feels good - and then, having done your part to be appreciative and grateful, do what you like with the gift.
frugalone
11-24-13, 12:21pm
Update: Well, we discussed it, and she said she'd like to help with the repairs. But she's not really offering the full amount. She's kind of holding off by saying "Let me know what the mechanic's final estimate is, and then if you think you can pay half, or something..."
So it's not really resolved yet.
reader99, the car is really 13 years old. And I'm sure this bill will not be the last. Just have to decide if I really want/need a second car right now. I keep thinking "sell it and put the money in the bank."
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