The true meaning of the holidays - or not

[rosarugosa]

DH & I were invited to DMIL's house for Thanksgiving. DSIL & her husband live with DMIL. We all get along very well, and DMIL & DSIL are great cooks. We've spent a lot of good Thanksgivings there.
DH has some medical stuff going on that has him down, and he was really looking forward to T-day with his family. I don't really love the holidays, but am content to be with the people I love and just want them to be happy. That's what it's supposed to be all about, right?
DH talked to one of our oldest & dearest friends yesterday. Friend is a bachelor, his parents are dead, he is estranged from his only brother, and he will be spending tomorrow all alone. So DH calls his Mom to ask if we can bring someone to dinner with us. She says sure, who will it be? When DH says DF, Mom says no way, he is too annoying, he can't sit still and he'll just "ruin everything." She knows this friend (we've been friends for 40 years) and while it's true that he can be a bit annoying, he's a good person who has never done her a bad turn, and has even done her a favor or two over the years. He would certainly be a civilized dinner guest. DH is just astounded that his Mom can be so cold and self-centered, and quite honestly, neither of us really want to spend Thanksgiving there now. I especially feel sad for DH who was so looking forward to tomorrow, and now is crushed by his Mom's lack of warmth. But it seems like a no-win. We don't have a turkey or anything, or we could host DF here. DF knows we have plans to go to DMIL's house, so how to explain if we don't? We're certainly not going to tell him the real story. It's probably too late to make reservations somewhere. We're not really out to make DMIL feel bad, who maybe can't help it if her heart is a few sizes too small. If we do go there for dinner, how do we forget our lonely friend and enjoy the day? Do we maybe just stay for an hour or two, come home, and call friend to see if he wants to come by and hang out (so at least he doesn't spend the whole day alone?
This is what I really hate about the holidays, the potential for hurt feelings and expectations not realized. Humbug I say :(

[iris lilies]

Dallas Buyer's Club. Gravity. 12 Years a Slave. These are on our agenda tomorrow. I have worked about 18 straight days (off last Sunday only) and I am ready for some movies in a theater. With popcorn.

For those of you who continue to flog the family togetherness thing, that is lovely when it's lovely. When it is not lovely, try something different.

[catherine]

Wow.. that's a bummer. Really a no-win situation at this point. I guess in retrospect, your DH might have asked his mother before inviting the friend, but I'm assuming he did not anticipate her response. What would DMIL say if DH called her and told her that at this point it would mean a whole lot to both of you to be able to invite him? Would she compromise in any way.. like if you gave DF a mid-afternoon arrival time, so he's not there for the whole day?

I'm sorry you're faced with that. If you guys didn't get along with your IL's in general, that would be one thing, but to sacrifice time with them that you were looking forward to because of this would be a shame. Hope it works out OK..

[ApatheticNoMore]

Yea good suggestions, you could try to reconcile, you could try to compromise and see both. But if you really just would rather spend the day with DF, it doesn't have to be turkey, you probably have something that could be fixed up, to invite him for dinner.

[Simplemind]

I'll be the first to admit I'm weird in this regard. I see my family a lot. I do not put a premium on a holiday day. If my friend needed me, if my mom had said "sure" until she found out who... I would have to tell her that in the spirit of the holidays I needed to follow through with my commitment to my friend. A friend who did not have the family connections the other 364 days of the year. On that one day when people join together with those they cherish... he needed me. It isn't fair to expect another host to accommodate your guest so don't guilt her into it. Thanksgiving doesn't have to mean turkey, but it does mean togetherness. Your mom has a choice and God knows I am one who gets my panties in a twist when the dinner count changes BUT, I don't exclude due to who. I'm weird, but I think it would mean the world to your friend and you don't need to give details on why. Go with your heart and the spirit of the season.

[sweetana3]

I would certainly spend the time with my friend. When holidays start being about refusing hospitality, they have lost the spirit and are only a meal.

If your mom was sick and the family was getting together for "family" time, my answer would be different but because the time with mom would be the special part and not the holiday.

I think another conversation with mom is called for. Not to guilt her but to see if she has had a chance to reflect and change her opinion. I am on who does not like change but when given a little time to think will often come up with a different answer or alternative.

[rosarugosa]

Just to clarify, DH did not invite DF or even mention the possibility of us spending the day together to him. He knew that wouldn't be cool without speaking to his mom first. Rather, after speaking with his friend, he was motivated to see if he could be included in our plans. Gatherings at the IL's are always very relaxed/informal with plenty of booze flowing and too much food, so it really wouldn't be disruptive to bring another person.
I'm generally with you IL, but DH was really enthusiastic about spending the holiday with his family, so I was happy to go along.

[ToomuchStuff]

Being alone on the holiday's, isn't always a bad thing. There shouldn't be the guilt that some feel when they invite single people. As a single person, we tend to be alone by choice (rather then be with someone who makes us miserable). Not sure why the hangup on turkey, as the day is more about spending the time with who you want to and anything can be good (bbq, sandwiches and a six pack while watching the game, etc). Until last weekend, I expected to spend this one home alone, as I had no idea my family was doing anything, or I was invited. As is, I may be helping my b-i-l bring his father home from the hospital today.
You might find it good to know that I am spending time with family, but that is also at the expense of stuff I wanted to get done today.

[Zoebird]

I would say that you should definitely go along. Then, if you want, do something with the friend earlier in the day.

[rosarugosa]

TMS: I agree that spending the day alone can be a perfectly valid choice. I just feel bad when someone is spending the day alone because he/she doesn't feel like there's a choice.
I deferred to DH on this one. It looks like we're going to go to the IL's as planned. We can call our friend when we get home to see if he wants to stop by for pie and drinks. We'll make sure we include him in any plans we make for next year.
I also proposed to DH that we invite him out or over for lobster tomorrow night. Turkey doesn't really even excite me, and I would much rather build celebratory meals around seafood.

[Zoebird]

Also, you can always do something with the friend on Friday. :) Or any time over the weekend.

[Miss Cellane]

Well, playing devil's advocate here, MIL wasn't opposed to having a guest for Thanksgiving. She was welcoming until the specific person was named. Clearly, there is something about this guy that MIL does not like. She is welcoming in general, jusst not to this one friend of your DH's.

Doesn't she have the right to choose the people to whom she offers hospitality? I don't know why she doesn't like this friend, but clearly, she doesn't, to the point where having him around would spoil her family holiday.

At some later date, maybe DH could sit down with his mother and find out why she dislikes this friend so much. It could be a complete misunderstanding, or she may have some very valid reason that DH is not aware of. He is your DH's oldest and dearest friend. He is not your MIL's friend. And even you admit he can be annoying, and you are his friend. Is it possible that his annoying habits, without the buffer of friendship, are more than just annoying?

Yes, it would have been a lovely gesture on her part to include this friend in the family celebration. But I'd wait on labeling her cold and heartless until I found out the reason why she made this decision.

As for the friend--he is an adult. Adults who want to spend the holiday with people make plans to do so. They do not wait until a day or two before the holiday and then spin a sob story to friends hoping for an invite. They start planning weeks ahead to either join an existing celebration or create one of their own. I've spent several holidays alone and while I'd rather have been with my family, I planned ahead and cooked food that I really like and had activities lined up that I really like and managed to have very happy holidays on my own.

I'd go and have dinner with the family. And try not to let this one incident label MIL as cold and heartless for the rest of her life. Is this one refusal enough to cancel out everything she's done in the past?

And then maybe leave early and invite the friend to your house for the evening if you wish.

[rosarugosa]

Thanks for the input everyone. You definitely helped by sharing some different perspectives. Here is what we did: Went to Thanksgiving dinner with ILs and had a good time. Took friend out to a nice restaurant last night for a seafood dinner and had a good time again. The most useful insight for me was that this was not about MIL. She is who she is, and it's true that she has every right to decide who to share her holiday dinner with. What we can control is our own actions, so taking our friend out for a nice evening last nice was consistent with our values.
My MIL can be a bit cold and self-focused (based on many experiences other than this), but I love her anyway, just like I love our friend who should have taken steps to create a more pleasant holiday plan for himself. We're all human and we have to love people warts and all; that's what it's all about.

[razz]

Thanks for the input everyone. You definitely helped by sharing some different perspectives. Here is what we did: Went to Thanksgiving dinner with ILs and had a good time. Took friend out to a nice restaurant last night for a seafood dinner and had a good time again. The most useful insight for me was that this was not about MIL. She is who she is, and it's true that she has every right to decide who to share her holiday dinner with. What we can control is our own actions, so taking our friend out for a nice evening last nice was consistent with our values.
My MIL can be a bit cold and self-focused (based on many experiences other than this), but I love her anyway, just like I love our friend who should have taken steps to create a more pleasant holiday plan for himself. We're all human and we have to love people warts and all; that's what it's all about.
Seems that you managed it very well.

Why is it that we put such pressure on ourselves by a designated date in the calendar? That seems to be the real issue to me. Set up your own Thanksgiving time with family/friends and choose what works for you not just the date on a piece of paper hanging on the wall.
For our Canadian Thanksgiving, family shared a meal the day before and were free to do their own plans the actual day.

That was my gift to them and theirs to me. I invited a friend to a turkey dinner made from leftovers and the dark meat that she loves.

[SteveinMN]

Set up your own Thanksgiving time with family/friends and choose what works for you not just the date on a piece of paper hanging on the wall.
Early in her nursing career, my sister typically was working on Thanksgiving and Fourth of July and Christmas. We accommodated by moving the holiday celebration to when she was available. Later, it was my turn as various IT project implementations took advantage of most employees being out of the office over holidays. It's nice to be able to celebrate on the day, but it's not like it's not a celebration when it's held at another time.