Beyond Punishment and Coercion is Parental Bliss

[Xmac]

Deep down, I think we all know it could be this easy.


http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/12/love-your-kids-leave-them-alone-the-art-of-radical-parenting-kristin-s-luce/

[Tiam]

Deep down, I think we all know it could be this easy.


http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/12/love-your-kids-leave-them-alone-the-art-of-radical-parenting-kristin-s-luce/


That easy? Nothing worthwhile is that easy. It's a good jumping off point. It's an old philosophy in some child development circles. That everything should come from a place of respect. Even from birth. Just being respectful. Talking calmly and reasonably, explaining what you are doing and why and what the expectations are. Easy? Perfect? Will kids not test the parameters? You bet they will. It's how one responds that will set the tone.

[Xmac]

That easy? Nothing worthwhile is that easy. It's a good jumping off point. It's an old philosophy in some child development circles. That everything should come from a place of respect. Even from birth. Just being respectful. Talking calmly and reasonably, explaining what you are doing and why and what the expectations are. Easy? Perfect? Will kids not test the parameters? You bet they will. It's how one responds that will set the tone.

The more inspiration and insight are cultivated within, the easier it is to allow, stay present, assist, listen, understand, respect, love and inspire them. Although the transition to another paradigm may be difficult, once these essential vitamins of parenting become established habits, life is much easier. That's really what I meant.

Your right, kids will test because they'll sense whether or not you're sincere or just trying some subtle, back door route of getting your way.

[catherine]

The magic bullet? Treating my children the way that I would want to be treated. That, and acting like an adult myself (no more demanding instant gratification from a 5-year-old). The natural way for children is to want our love and respect, and to become like us. When I treat myself well and treat them well, they can’t help but to treat themselves and the people around them well also.

I've taken my parenting skills from the oft-quoted Kahlil Gibran playbook, which is similar to what this blog post is saying:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

I think, I hope, I have tried to respect them, to listen to them, and to honor their individuality. For all the shapes and sizes of mistakes I've made as a parent, I think I was lucky enough to have at least done that. While I never patronized them, or treated them like mini-adults, I simply honored who they were, even if it didn't conform to the standard protocols for bringing up kids. And the result is four really awesome kids who all get along amazingly well with each other and with us. I'm constantly amazed that with all the dysfunction they grew up with, I think we got one thing right. So, it's true that it may not be that easy, but if I can do it, any parent can.

[Xmac]

This part resonates with me the most:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

I experience palpable gratitude when I discover simple, but potent wisdom like this in others and myself. It is the super food of soul....soul food? Hehehe KWIM?

[catherine]

Yes, Xmac! Once you stop feeling that your children began with you, and start feeling that you are just their stewards on behalf of God or the Universe, it puts a different spin on your relationship with them. Then you can stand back and watch their miraculousness in awe.

And I agree with you about Gibran's poetry. He was my mother's favorite poet, and she turned me on to him long before I had my own children. He is definitely the definition of "soul food"!

[Xmac]

"Stewards" was the exact word I thought of yesterday, in relationship with kids.

[puglogic]

I've taken my parenting skills from the oft-quoted Kahlil Gibran playbook, which is similar to what this blog post is saying:

Catherine, you're one step ahead of me...I was totally going to post this. It's the way I would have loved to have been raised, and the most successful kids I know (healthy, calm, intelligent, creative) were raised with this philosophy.

[CathyA]

Wow.......what a great way to think about our children......that they come through us, not from us.

[Tammy]

Love this article. It's how I attempted to raise our 3 kids. It made those teenage years so much easier. I especially like this summary: "Honestly, they have no one to rebel against and what’s left is for them to contemplate things for themselves." It's human nature to pursue whats forbidden. So I tried to forbid very little, but to also let natural consequences have their way.