View Full Version : Parting with friends because of their parenting
I feel so frustrated this morning. My husband and I have a couple and their 4-year-old as friends, and I'm just about ready to say "Nope - not interested any more."
This is a very dysfunctional couple. They have no end of marital troubles, they both periodically drink heavily, they argue, they never talk anything through....sometimes I just think they hate each other. Individually, they're fine, but together or as a family, it's a mess. The husband will talk about his unhappiness from time to time, the wife never. They are both socially awkward and resent any sort of gentle advice.
Their son, whom we've known since he was born, just keeps getting stranger and stranger. He's very self-centered, undisciplined, throws tantrums whenever he doesn't get his way, slaps things out of his parents' hands when they offer something he doesn't want....just not at all anything I want to be around. I'm sure this is acting out his unhappy home, but it doesn't matter. Last night at a social event, people would say hello to him and he'd just make faces at them in return. He pitched about five fits while out in public, then demanded to come back to our house and play with our dogs. When it came time to go home, he literally shrieked at the top of his lungs, kicked out at his parents, grabbed the door jamb to keep from being taken home.....really horrible.
I don't feel like I can help them. But I also don't want to subject my peaceful life to that any more.
Just venting, I suppose, because I think I know what I need to do. Has anyone ever had a similar experience and found a reasonable way through it?
It would take a lot less for me to say good-by to these people, permanently.
Hey Pug........sounds like you're not getting anything at all out of the relationship, except unhappiness and frustration.
Just curious.....what kind of reactions to the child's bad behavior do the parents show?
It's soooooooo frustrating to see parents allow their children to have bad behavior. I actually feel sorry for the boy. Some people just shouldn't be parents.
Does your husband feel the same way? Can you just quietly place some distance between you and them? Maybe they'll get the message if you just aren't ever available?
P.S. Pug.......your PM box is full and won't accept any more.
It would take a lot less for me to say good-by to these people, permanently.
Yes, this.
The child obviously has some very serious issues which could impact him for the rest of his life. If I were you, I would be infinitely more concerned with his mental health and well being than your relationship with his parents.
This child needs help and someone needs to make sure that he gets it since his "parents" are obviously incapable. Forget that he is a child for a moment and consider that he is a human being who will be scarred by this domestic experiences for the rest of his life. You need to find out what you can do to get this child into a healthy environment where is not going to turn out to be a neurotic serial killer.
friendship schmendship.
Oh, it isn't that we're not concerned. He used to be a sweet, curious, friendly little boy.
But there is no help we can offer. He is not mistreated in any way, other than the fact that his parents desperately need therapy or a divorce so he won't be raised in this dysfunctional environment. In fact he is buried in gifts and doted on by grandparents, other friends, and his parents, which is part of the problem. They cannot give him a loving, stable set of parents, so they shower him with possessions and give him complete latitude instead. The tantrums are soothed over, usually by giving in.
The child is never alone with us, or else I might be able to find some way to model different behaviors for him. They both clutch at him (figuratively) as though he's some kind of bargaining chip over the other.
It's all a shame. I don't see a serial killer in the future, just an adult that has no idea what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like.
And yes, CathyA, my husband feels the same, but he is much more likely to be swayed by guilt trips (which is how they ended up back at my home last night!! Believe me, that is not something I wanted) Oh well. I will need to step away even if he can't bring himself to. I have no control over this except for control over my own space.
And thanks for the heads-up about my PM box. I didn't know I talked that much :D
I'd argue that he's pretty seriously mistreated. He is in the midst of an emotionally abusive and neglectful home. Your very words reflect this. I would suggest that you take his Mom aside and let her know that you've seen changes in her formerly sweet, curious little boy that warrants some medical attention.
Once he is in school, his acting out will garner attention. It might lay some groundwork for her to take seriously the behavioral problems if she hears it from you. If she isn't open, perhaps the next time the father laments his marriage, you could suggest that if he is feeling that impacted, image what his child is experiencing.
If you plan to cut ties with this family, sharing your concerns in a kind, compassionate manner would be a valuable parting gift.
I agree with redfox and enota. That poor kid is being set up for a lifetime of awful. He's acting like this because he's in the middle of a horrible situation and his parents are too selfish and self-centered to even realize that they're the cause. If you have the stamina/generosity to be involved your concern should be this poor child, not his asshole parents.
Good wisdom there.
I think my husband has more opportunities for that kind of honesty. We'll talk about that together. I know he is willing.
I would actually approach the father, since he seems more open to being honest about what is going on.
I wonder how the child would act when alone, not with the parents. I know that is a huge risk to take, but you might be doing him (and his whole family) a service if you could spend some time with him alone and give him a safe, nurturing environment WITH LIMITS to operate under. I'm thinking something to do with the dogs, since he seems to like them. Definitely need to set limits for all concerned. Maybe if they are willing to go to therapy you could let him hang out with you and the dogs while they are in sessions? Awkward situation, but it would be nice if somebody could find a positive way to intervene. Agree with others that he's probably going to have oodles of problems in school if he doesn't get his behavior in check.
Gardenarian
12-8-13, 2:16pm
Families are so very complicated. I'm sorry you've been put in this position.
I feel impelled to say that not all of the boy's behavior should be attributed to the parents.
My friend's son has autism and this has caused enormous stress on the family. To an outsider it might appear that the dysfunction was coming from the parents, but they were fine until their previously sweet little boy turned into an uncontrollable ball of rage.
I'm not saying this is what is happening with this family, but I would refrain from making assumptions.
Families are so very complicated. I'm sorry you've been put in this position.
I feel impelled to say that not all of the boy's behavior should be attributed to the parents.
My friend's son has autism and this has caused enormous stress on the family. To an outsider it might appear that the dysfunction was coming from the parents, but they were fine until their previously sweet little boy turned into an uncontrollable ball of rage.
I'm not saying this is what is happening with this family, but I would refrain from making assumptions.
Exactly why suggesting a medical investigation of the behavior is the next step. That takes any onus off the parents, while getting them connected to services.
When I visited my brother and his wife in the early 1990's, they were feeding their one son, less than one year old, a bottle of beer a day and laughing about how he strained and grabbed out his hands when he saw the bottle brought into the room. After I got home I sent them a letter that this wasn't good for him. They thanked me. Now this many years later, the parents are still active alcoholics and the boy is a bartender who is beloved by the local alcoholic community for his great margaritas and writes on FB about how many different kinds of them he loves. Alcohol is his life. This is the first of several reasons I don't know this family anymore.
"When I visited my brother and his wife in the early 1990's, they were feeding their one son, less than one year old, a bottle of beer a day"
That child should have been taken into protective custody!
"Some people just shouldn't be parents." Hear hear!!! (Including me by the way, though I was not nearly as bad as the folks described here. And at least I limited my damage to one child by having a tubal ligation.) What a sparsely populated planet this would be if only those truly qualified would bear children. Probably a lot more civil place too. People who couldn't properly maintain a parakeet routinely have multiple children.
As Keanu Reeves character in the movie Parenthood states " You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming a**hole be a father." Or mother for that matter.
Sorry for the harsh diatribe but this is a matter I feel strongly about.
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