Killing Time

[fidgiegirl]

I feel like lately I am just killing time, especially in the evenings but also occasionally during the work day - just waiting for the next thing to happen TO me. I have never been this way in the past, it's very strange. I think it's a combination of the short days (always a hard time of year), the uncertainty of what parenthood will be like so not wanting to try to launch any long term projects/commitments (just an excuse, really - people figure out how to make what they want happen all the time with all kinds of uncertainties), and also a lack of shared (any?) goals in our household. This is an ongoing issue for us. I have some personal goals but DH doesn't share them and thus I don't feel right putting our shared assets (money, energy, etc.) toward reaching them, so I do nothing. Just kind of drifting along. I don't like it, but not really sure what to do about it. Anyway, just kind of putting it out there in hopes that naming it might help me take some action, or perhaps someone has some insights.

[razz]

When I shared my goals, my DH did not share some of them but he had fun helping me achieve my goals and learned a lot of things. We also had fun doing new things together.
Is it that you wish that he would lead and that you are uncomfortable taking the lead? That is a different issue from lack of shared goals. Just a thought!

[catherine]

"K***ing time" is a four letter word to me.

Rather than saying "I am just k***ing time".. say "I am having difficulty deciding how to spend time." Don't say K***ING TIME."

It might be because of your totally understandable anticipation of your baby (!!) but it would be better to just float into a state of acceptance of not doing anything than to think of this period of inactivity as "k***ing time."

Enjoy the downtime and revel in it, because it's going to be hard to come by VERY shortly!!

[mtnlaurel]

Do each and every thing you can think of that you love,love, love.
If it's in your budget - see each & every movie, eat at your favorite places, go sit out for hot tea at your favorite little spots. Or not. Or just enjoy the peace & quiet of your home.

I had been saving up some money for a trip abroad & once I found out I was expecting baby #1, I used all of it on pre-natal massage guilt free. It really helped me with all the changes my body was going through.
I too was most preggers during the dark of winter in a really snowy place -- I couldn't really get out and walk like I wanted to in the evenings, too icy. I felt a little caged.
Swimming was another thing that made me feel really free.

For baby 2 I did pre-natal yoga and loved it.

None of this really addresses the DH part or the shared goals part....
But you are carrying the baby for the 2 of you, so maybe you can see using some shared $ as an investment in a shared goal -- baby!
I really enjoyed spending time with hubby while expecting & we would just goof around like always & he was sweet to cook grilled cheese sandwiches -- especially with baby1 I had the palate of a 4 year old!

[Teacher Terry]

I don't think that there is anything wrong with having individual goals and putting some energy/time/money towards them. You probably have some shared goal-one is probably to be awesome parents! Expecting a baby is a scary time of life and very exciting. Having a child brings you the most joy & sadness you will ever experience in your life. I have 3 adult sons. Enjoy being pregnant and don't put pressure on yourself to achieve>8).

[ToomuchStuff]

So you have no currently shared goals, but do you have or have you been discussing your dream's and hopes? Need to do that first, to figure out what the goals should be.
I read a book called Spark your Dream about the Zapp family. They had shared a dream since childhood, about traveling and they let life get in the way (along with the trappings of it) before starting on what they thought would be a six month adventure. It took them longer then that, and they had a surprise join the trip, along the way. But what I read that stuck with me most, is the hardest part of the whole thing was the first step, and you can't even start, if you don't sit down and figure them out. Parenting brings new fears, but it also brings new hopes, maybe you should start there.

[SteveinMN]

I agree with Teacher Terry. DW just completed a quilt for DD -- her first. She spent money material and the help of an expert quilter who had the machine needed to sew patterns into the quilting. Unknown to me, making a quilt was a bucket-list item for DW -- a goal. I had no problem setting aside part of "our" money to make that possible, even before I knew it was a bucket-list project.

Go for it! Your world is going to change a lot and forever with the arrival of your little one. Discuss with DH what you both really would like to tackle before that happens.

[TMC]

A friend and I recently had this discussion. Why is it that some of us can't enjoy a little down time when so many other people make it a national pasttime.

I know that I am so used to being on the go, and getting things accomplished that I feel a little guilty to be doing "nothing".

Trust me though, you'll be on the go constantly soon enough and that little baby will be in charge of your schedule for a while. Take a deep breath and give yourself permission to enjoy the quiet and relaxation, even if it is out of your character.

Congratulations by the way on the addition to your famiy....you'll never look at anything the same way again. :)

[CathyA]

I used to think all my happiness/fulfillment/etc., had to go through DH. Then I realized that I'M a different person and have my own relationship with my surroundings/area/planet/universe.
It's okay to have goals/hopes/dreams that you don't both have together.

[Gardenarian]

Maybe you are just relaxing?
I have a hard time feeling like it's okay just to loaf around, but it is essential to human health, I think.

edited to add: I just remembered you're pregnant - good grief, go easy on yourself Kelli!

[Yarrow]

Do some things that you would like to do now - because once your baby arrives you will have very little time for yourself for quite awhile.
I wish someone had told me that. ;)

[Teacher Terry]

I agree with yarrow-life is very busy once you have a little one. It is such an awesome time but very busy & tiring.

[Gardenarian]

I can relate to the lack of shared goals. It's a tough one, and I don't have a simple answer. As you know, I bought a cabin on my own - as a financial investment and just as something I'd always dreamed of. It is hard to go for your dreams when you are in a partnership with someone else. (Especially if achieving you goals requires the time/input/agreement of the other person.)

I know my dh has many creative goals that he put aside (as did I) while our dd was younger, and now that we have the time we are both pursuing them. Working on completely different wavelengths in every way while trying to stay in harmony - well, it will be interesting to see what the future holds.

I will say that once your baby arrives you will both be besotted and tired and unable to do anything much aside from parenting. I think this is why some people really like the baby/little kid years. You will both have a prime directive, and in a way that simplifies things.