Do you prepare for potential minefields with family or just take them if they come?

[RosieTR]

I am trying to decide if I should think about what to say ahead of time in a situation, or just wait and see if it comes up. With my MIL, I know religion is a major minefield between us and thus never bring around the conversation toward anything in that direction. Occasionally she makes comments about doing Bible study or some such, but I gloss that over and move on if anything like that comes up. As far as I know she does not belong to any church, and she knows we don't attend church but maybe not exactly how non-religious we are. Thus far this has not been a problem, and also this is why I don't know if she holds, um, "unscientific views" on evolution and physics. Ordinarily this would get filed in the "don't bring up + steer conversation away" category but DH wants to take her to the science museum on Sunday. This is ostensibly for his brother's birthday but I have never gotten the sense that either the brother nor MIL is terribly interested in the science museum, nor the new special exhibit on the Mayans....which I am particularly interested in since part of my family is from Central America, and it's possible I am a little bit Mayan in ancestry. But that's a side note. What I am anxious about is the prehistoric journey part, which is a large part of the museum and where I could foresee some ugliness if she starts bringing up Biblical stuff. I don't know if I can bite my tongue, especially since she knows that I *work* in science and do know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I'm probably making much ado about nothing but I kind of want to have some ideas of how to diplomatically deal with this if it becomes a problem.

[iris lilies]

I am trying to decide if I should think about what to say ahead of time in a situation, or just wait and see if it comes up.. .

Let her have her opinions, why does it matter? Most people just want someone to blather to.

If you want to have a real conversation but introduce an idea gently, I think it's always useful to point out that many scientists accept both God and the theory of evolution in their lives and do not find them contradictory.

[Yarrow]

Really, it's just her opinion and your opinion, with neither one of you being better or right.....something to keep in mind.

I would just try and enjoy the museum visit, if I were you, and not worry about the rest.....

[catherine]

I agree with what the others have said--in family you have to pick your battles... and a fight over religious beliefs is never going to be won. Chances are you can get through the whole museum and nothing about creationism will come up. If it does, just let it roll over your head and then say, "Oh, look at these cool fossils!"

We all have to bite our tongues at times, and I'm sure others have bitten their tongues many times after things I've said.

[SteveinMN]

Can you avoid some or all of the prehistoric part of the exhibit? If it's not critical to your enjoyment of the exhibit and it's something you feel likely will be a trigger for MiL, skip it?

[razz]

Sorry if it sounds judgemental but I am hearing in your post that you believe that your view is the correct one and hers is wrong and you are asking how to handle the difference in viewpoints. Nothing I have read of your posts leads me to believe that you are inflexible so I am really not judging you in any way just how the original post sounds.

A museum offers an exhibits of a viewpoint of life. That viewpoint is not the ultimate truth. At one point long ago, such as exhibit could have indicated that the earth was flat and people were falling off the edge. North and South America were considered vacant land not that long ago by scientists and the facts being uncovered today indicate a very different view.

Ask them if they want to see the exhibit and take it from there. Lack of interest in this exhibit may trigger problems so avoid that if possible.

Your freedom to think for yourself, religiously or not, is a human right so respect for this right could be the focus of any discussion that may arise. MIL's right to believe as she wishes and yours as well are both important.

[ejchase]

I wasn't always this way but am now a believer in preparing for the absolute worst with family because so many times when I've behaved badly it was because I "thought positively" and then was more vulnerable to getting triggered by insensitive or clueless comments.

Everybody above has made great points, and I would prepare yourself for them to say the kinds of things you are worried they will say and practice just letting it go and biting your tongue.

By the way, this strategy for dealing with life in general is supported by new research. Recent research on positive vs. negative thinking shows that people who think positively about their ability to handle potential obstacles (health issues, family issues) but who think negatively about the likelihood challenges will arise (that is, who assume difficulties will be frequent and daunting at times) do best. People who just think positively can end up getting complacent and thus underprepared, and this has been my experience with many challenges in life. This research is cited in the book Top Dog by Ashley Merryman and Po Bronson. I thought it was really interesting.

[RosieTR]

A museum offers an exhibits of a viewpoint of life. That viewpoint is not the ultimate truth. At one point long ago, such as exhibit could have indicated that the earth was flat and people were falling off the edge. North and South America were considered vacant land not that long ago by scientists and the facts being uncovered today indicate a very different view.
Part of the point of science is that it changes according to new evidence. The museum strives to present the most current viewpoint of science, with the understanding that occasionally things will change. This is sort of a side point; I was more concerned with the deal if someone starts to "push buttons"....ie do you anticipate the possibility or just figure on dealing if it comes up. This could be anything, but in this particular case, I thought this could be a hot-button issue for me. If I were anywhere else, I would bite my tongue as suggested. If someone willingly accepts an invitation to a science museum, then starts going on about how it's bunk then I feel like they deserve to be called out. MIL does not deal well with being called out, even if she brings it on herself, so I was feeling a little anxious that this could happen. If I were at her house or a restaurant with her, I would not call her out: she's entitled to her views and won't change even if I argued with her so it would be lose-lose. But if someone were to invite me to a church and I went for whatever reason (a wedding, funeral or whatever) it would be rude for me to start talking about Biblical inconsistencies, right? Someone would be justified in getting annoyed and telling me to shut it if I displayed that behavior. Now, I am all for debate in the science museum, if someone brings this stuff up-just not OK if they then get offended. Perhaps I was not clear about that in the original post.

In any case, upon reflection I am now thinking that perhaps I should now anticipate problems before they manifest. Overall there are a few different family dynamic things that push my buttons in reference to this particular outing so I think it just sparked some negative anticipation. What was that about the 80% of the things you worry about never happen? If I'm really lucky I can get them to go ahead and just chill solo which would be a blessing ;)

[RosieTR]

Lesson learned: don't anticipate problems! Everything went fine today-no controversy and MIL had a great day. The Mayan exhibit was fascinating, too, and I'm glad I went. Next time I will try much more not to get myself worked up :|(

[razz]

Lesson learned: don't anticipate problems! Everything went fine today-no controversy and MIL had a great day. The Mayan exhibit was fascinating, too, and I'm glad I went. Next time I will try much more not to get myself worked up :|(
Good to hear, er, I mean, read this!

[nswef]

RosieTR- I'm glad it all worked out. Working on not anticipating bad things is something I must do. I know it will all work out...but I sure do not trust that it will and assume if I fret about it that will prevent problems when all it does is ruin several days of mine before the event. I'm working on it with meditation. Getting better. So, good luck to you as well!!!