On Being Friends With An Extreme Extrovert...

[SiouzQ.]

I finally caught up with an old friend after being a complete hermit all winter and she came over to my house last night because I was too mentally and physically tired to actually go anywhere to meet up with her. She is one of those people who is truly beautiful inside and out, and I think I finally understand the real need that extroverts have to be out and about amongst people, just like the true need of introverts (like me) that are pretty much perfectly happy to tinker away inside our cozy abodes, only going out into the world for work and appointments.

So we ate and drank some wine (I can only manage one small glass because it starts putting me to sleep) and caught up with each other but honestly, after about two hours, I was completely done with socializing! I had been up since 5am and worked and went to the gym, ran some errands as well.

I don't know where I am going with this other than it has been interesting to me to think about these things and get to understand myself better and how I can relate to the world in some way without totally cutting myself off from old friends. This winter has been very quiet, but very creative for me because I havebeen at home quite a bit and not interacting much with the world at large. I wonder what the nicer weather will bring? I'm pretty sure I'll be out and about more, hiking and biking and outdoors stuff like that, but I wonder what I'll do about any sort of social life? I have really cut myself off in a so many ways...I guess when I feel ready I will start making some baby steps and go see some friends play music and go from there.

I know it sounds weird but my first inclination when I saw that my friend had called and texted me about doing something yesterday was to ignore it! Even though I have been wanting to some spend time with her, when push came to shove, it was a real effort to actually answer the phone when she called instead of letting her leave yet another message. I don't feel like I am a very good friend when I do stuff like that...

[redfox]

If she's a good friend, she probably knows you're an introvert, and understands your need for minimal communications.

[onlinemoniker]

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did.

If you don't want to be around people so much, you don't want to be around people so much.

It's your life. You only go around once. Do what you want. If you get lonely being alone, you'll start making contact with others.

[larknm]

Both the above replies are terrific. You explained your predicament really clearly, SiouzQ.

[creaker]

I have an awful problem with inertia - I find myself shying away from things not because I don't like them (almost always once I'm there I have a good time), but because of the transition required (physically and mentally) getting there.

[SiouzQ.]

Exactly, Creaker! I have often said if I could only teleport myself there and make sure there is a comfy couch as well, I'd go to all sorts of places! The thought of cleaning up after work and putting on some decent clothes, getting in the car, finding a parking spot, etc, etc in the winter is just too much work!

[Lainey]

I hear you. I had three back-to-back days last week with after work events - happy ones, with friends - but it was pretty much non-stop 15 hour days so that by the fourth day I was whipped. I've been home all weekend just enjoying the silence and the solitude.

That said, I'll mention something I've stated before and that is that friendships need to be nurtured. It cannot just be at your (generic you) convenience as to exactly when, where and how often you'll meet up. Within reasonableness, of course. But I'm just cautioning that saying No once too often can get you downgraded or even knocked off of the friend list. Only you can decide if it's worth it.

[Tiam]

If she's a good friend, she probably knows you're an introvert, and understands your need for minimal communications.

I don't think real extroverts understand introversion at all. That doesn't mean she isn't ok with it, she might very well be. I find myself sometimes being quite lonely because I do like to be alone and do keep things and people at a distance. But then when I need that companionship it's not there because I've made it that way. It's double edged sword. I need the companionship but need the solitude more.

[redfox]

I don't think real extroverts understand introversion at all.

I don't think either introverts or extroverts understand each other in that core, felt-understanding way. Perhaps you don't have extroverted friends who understand what introverts need. We do exist! Both personality types are quite capable of knowing intellectually what the other needs and thrives on, and respecting both boundaries and expressed needs.

It's up to each of us to state our needs and boundaries clearly and dispassionately so that those who care about us can know what we need, as none of us are mind-readers! I live with with an introvert, and we are both aware of how the other ticks. We each forget from time to time, but we each respect the other's needs, and we both need to remind the other from time to time about what we need in a given moment.

[SteveinMN]

I don't believe this has been posted here before. It probably could use an "extrovert" counterpoint. But I thought it rang fairly true: How To Live With Introverts (http://romanjones.deviantart.com/art/How-to-Live-with-Introverts-291305760)

[Gardenarian]

Thanks for the link Steve! I love my hamster ball :)
Most of my friends are extroverts; I would never make any on my own any other way!
I almost always couch my responses to outings in very limited terms: I have to be home by 8, I need to meet at my house because (whatever), why don't we go for a walk - I only have time for an hour. No one has been offended that I know of, though I recognize that many people see me as kind of uppity. Oh, well.

[redfox]

... No one has been offended that I know of, though I recognize that many people see me as kind of uppity. Oh, well.

Indeed! Their prob, not yours. Speaking as an extrovert, I always appreciate it when the introverts in my life set clear boundaries & expectations. Saves me from having to guess.

[AustinKat]

This (http://stripey-badger.blogspot.com/2012/05/care-and-feeding-of-your-extrovert.html) is an essay a friend of mine wrote about being an extrovert. I've found it quite helpful. She also wrote a sequel (http://stripey-badger.blogspot.com/2013/12/an-extroverts-guide-to-care-and-feeding.html), about how extroverts can deal with the introverts in their lives (as an introvert, I really appreciated this one).

[SteveinMN]

Thanks for posting that, AustinKat. It's nice to see "the other side" represented thoughtfully.

[jp1]

Steve, thanks for that link. It rings very true with my reality. My SO finds it incredibly odd that I will occasionally take a day off and just stay home and 'do nothing'. He's a moderate extrovert so he just doesn't understand how draining work is for me. My current role at work involves giving lots of presentations and lots of meetings with a lot of people. I enjoy it and am good at it, but since taking on this role I find that more than ever I have to guard my energy when I'm not working which means lots of weekends where I only leave the house for solitary activities, not social ones. Thankfully he's fine with going out and doing things with friends while I stay home and read a book or whatever.